Wednesday, October 22, 2008
I really feel like I am going no where.
I have only lost 7 lbs...and I have been doing this for months. I know that I can't expect the weight to drop fast (it was gained from years of overeating!) but it's frustrating.
I always sabotage my entire day by eating something at the end of the day I don't need. Well not always, but a lot. And then afterward I feel like crap.
I keep pulling my neck somehow - something I have never had a problem with before - and it makes me scared to go to yoga and sometimes it is painful even to move. And I don't want to get out of the habit of exercising. I was just getting used to it!
And my boyfriend is gone for three weeks straight. So that means I'm going to be (nearly) completely alone for three weeks straight, other than some people from class and maybe getting together with a friend or two once or twice. It's good to get some thinking in though... I have no idea what I want from my life. Nothing seems to be constant these days.
I don't expect to know everything or even mostly everything... I just wish I knew something. I wish I was good at something. So far I haven't found anything I am particularly good or talented at and it's very frustrating. I feel like everyone around me has some sort of niche and I don't really belong anywhere -- academically, personally, emotionally...anywhere. It's infuriating, lonely and sad. I just want to be good at one damn thing. Is that too much to ask? This leads to my next complaint (hey! It's a blog! I usually don't complain anywhere else!) about how I have NO CLUE what I want from my future. I'm sick of it. I see people roll their eyes every time I change what I want from my future or what my goal is (although it's not like I am constantly changing degrees or careers - just ultimate outcomes). They must think I am just flimsy or something. Maybe I am.
I am just sad today.