Tuesday, October 21, 2008
SO i havent been on here blogging or even visiting my teams for a very long time. i feel so gulity about all that. I joined a group and was uber excited to be in a challenge and i flaked on them (sorry)
but im back now. and it will be often.
I wish i could blog about my personal life and even show a picture of me. But im so scared of being noticed by someone. Family.
I had it really rough in my childhood, i thought i hid my feelings well, i thought i was never effected by what happened. Until i had my son. Being a parent changes you overnight! Now i have overwhelming fears and have to protect him as much as possible. this wont make sense im sure. Ive been reading some self help books and im becoming more aware of why i did this and why i do that. i guess i really am messed up!.. but i WILL conquer this!
so i started with a big change.. we picked up and moved.. granted the town is about 20mins away but i have so much weight off my shoulders!! I finally feel at some peace. I got away from my mother who was toxic to me and my family. everything is changing with us. im not stressed anymore which is less fighting with hubby and my son is talking more(hes delayed in speech)
I now see how much control my mother really did have over me. I had fear to even go to a different church. i hate to put blame on her but i finally see what my dad always told me. i cant help but be a little bitter over things in my past. the past ruined me, i could of been a happy person instead i had to fake that. its sad that i never heard i love you from her.. i cant say if i love her but i know i care. She did the best she could, but it wasnt enough. She knew and did nothing to protect me.
one day i will forgive, but not today.