Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Does anyone else ever wonder if they should not have married their spouse? That signs were there when they were dating, but thought they would change? Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but sometimes I wonder if we would be happier with someone else. I know my husband loves me, but most of the time he doesn't like me. For the last month or two we have been fighting more than getting along. His biggest complaint about me is that I am overweight(he pointed out that I am 100 lbs overweight), he doesn't like my hair style(he even said I don't brush it, which completely not true), and I don't wear makeup. He wants my hair long and straight. My hair is thick and has a little natural wave. My hair will never come out like he wants. Hairdressers have even told him with my face shape and hair texture, it won't work. I don't wear makeup because I just don't have time. I get up at 5:30am and don't get to sleep until 11:00 PM or midnight. I work 40 hours a week. Our some is adopted from foster care and is almost 16. He is verbally aggressive to me when I pick him up from school until he goes to bed. My son refuses to do anything I tell him to do. My husband works until 7pm. Then we eat supper and he goes to the bedroom and either watches stupid videos on You Tube, or chats in a Spanish chat rooms or watches TV. My son and I watch TV in the living room. By the time I go bed he is already asleep. He takes our 2 dogs out in the morning and takes Charlie to school. I go to work pick up Charlie from school and then clean(if I have energy), work out, take the dogs out 2 or 3 times, fix supper, clean up, all the time dealing with a disrespectful teen. Then around 10:30pm I take the dogs out again and try to get some sleep. But usually I am too stressed to sleep all night and I have hot flashes. Then I get up because one of the dogs wants to go outside at 2 or 3a.m. After that I'm awake so I lay on the couch until I either fall asleep or my alarm goes off. Not all nights are like this, but several. I am exhausted. My cardiologist told me last year that I need less stress, that's a joke. I have talked to my hubby about all of this and he always says "well what about what I want, you don't do the things I ask you to do". He never takes responsibility for his behaviors. I told him maybe he could help out more and he says what for, you don't do anything for me. His 46th birthday is next week and he acts like a 5 year old. He wants all this stuff for his birthday. When he doesn't get what he wants he pouts. Last week I told him we didn't have enough money for him to get his haircut and he wouldn't talk to me for 2 and 1/2 days. He won't go to our son's conferences at school because he just doesn't want to go. It's all about my husband. He says I'm not feminine, well he's not exactly macho man. He wants me to be a traditional wife like Mrs. Cleaver, but he doesn't even check the oil on my car. He won't fix the closet door when I've asked him several times.
He blames all of my health problems on my weight. Well I was born with a heart condition and was skinny until I got to age 30. I had thyroid cancer, which has nothing to do with weight but is from radiation from an ammunition plant where I grew up. Being overweight didn't cause the depression I am treated for. I guess when I can't sleep tonight I'll get up and clean. And I'll set my alarm for 5a.m. so I have time to put on my makeup(which I don't really understand why that's important because by the time he sees me for the day it's almost 8 at night, so whatever I did in the morning would be gone).
Well the dogs need to go out and the dishwasher is done, so I'd better get my fat, lazy butt up from the computer. Sorry for venting!