5,500-6,999 SparkPoints 6,438

Where did MoJo go?

Saturday, September 13, 2008

This morning, when I checked my email, I found that yesterday two different Spark friends visited my page to ask why I was AWOL and whether I was okay. If I'd checked my email last night, I wonder if I'd be writing a different blog this morning, but their genuine concern is giving me the courage to write the blog I have to write today.

Last night, after almost two months of sticking to an eating and exercise program that has brought me weight loss, toning, and enormous relief, I took a detour that returned me to familiar and frightening territory.

Yesterday had been a good day. In fact, in so many respects it had been an exceptional day. It started with a gathering of very good friends, moved on to me signing a new and exciting contract for work I love to do, and ended with a well-received performance of the show I’m currently doing. But after the show I came home and instead of going to bed, I turned on the television and stayed up most of the night watching bad movies and eating two days worth of calories.


There are lots of reasons. None are excuses, but all are pieces of the puzzle that I want to understand so I might be able to better protect myself in the future.

- Not enough sleep for almost a week.
- Long drives to and from a stressful visit with my increasingly confused mother.
- This new contract comes right when I thought I would be taking a break.
- This new contract means my plans to visit my friend with cancer and my sons at their schools have to be put on hold.
- I didn’t get any exercise yesterday.

And, perhaps most important of all…
Over the past week, I've fallen almost completely out of touch with my Spark community.

I’ve been logging my food and exercise every day but since last Sunday, I’ve barely posted, emailed, read, or commented on a single blog. I have been busy but the truth is, I forgot that connecting with all of you is a gift to myself. I allowed it to become more of a chore.

And so, last night, when the “f**k-its” crept back in, it was like a staph infection finding an open wound. I was too detached and too tired to stop and say no. The binge was large and varied and deeply UNSATISFYING. All I've ended up with is stomach ache, a sugar hang-over, and most importantly - a big, old dose of humility that has landed me on my ass.

So, now what do I do? The one thing I will NOT do is beat myself up about this. If I do that, I will only make this rut deeper, as I have so many times in the past. Instead, I will just climb back out and after I finish writing this blog, I will:

1) Brush my teeth.

2) Eat breakfast. That’s hard for me to do after a binge like last night but I have to create some semblance of healthy routine and skipping meals won’t cut it.

3) Go for a walk – at least to the end of the block and back. It’s not my usual five miles but I need something to get my blood moving. It takes about 10 minutes to get to the end of the block so even if I just do that and turn around I will have walked 20 minutes. A Spark friend shared that trick with us.

5) Take a shower, wash my hair, and brush my teeth again.

6) Log my food and exercise. Send a few Spark messages.

7) Take a nap before tonight show.

8) Take another quick shower to wake up.

9) Eat dinner and go do the show.

10) Come home, log on to say hello and good night to all of you, and go to bed.

If I am really living this one day at a time then yesterday is over and today has just begun.
Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    The fact that it took me FIVE days to read and comment on your blog post speaks volumes about how I'm doing on SP also. This entry really spoke to me because I'm basically in the same boat. I've been binging for the past week and have gained back a few pounds. It didn't help that I fell behind on SP, so I'd log my food about a day late. So far I've kept up with my exercise regimen, but I can never burn enough calories from binging on junk food and larger meal portions.

    Considering my current predicament, I'm sorry that I have no words of wisdom or useful tips to share with you. What I can offer is understanding because I'm in the same situation. I am glad that I have begun to get back on track, and I'm feeling better already. Thank you for your honesty because it is so hard to admit it when we are off track.

    I am inspired by your positive attitude, and I am right alongside you as we resume our healthier living! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3351 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/18/2008 3:34:08 PM
    Jo, I'm so sorry it took me so long to get here! You needed support, and I was AWOL too.

    You lived the day, and as you indicate, it's done. Move on. Do something today that is good for you.

    I joined SP over a year ago. I lost 19 pounds and then gained 7 or so back. All I need to lose is 26 more pounds, and I could have easily done that by now if I had focused. But I didn't. So, I re-committed and am on my way back on the path. So are you.

    We can do this together. We can ONLY do this together.

    SP can sometimes be overwhelming. Make sure to do what it right for you like tracking food and fitness. Post some when you can. Blog as you need to. It WILL work!

    3353 days ago
    Thank you so much for the comment on my blog entry. Thanks for being so strong and supportive. It's all about picking yourself up, brushing yourself off and keeping it all going. Just think how far you've come!
    3354 days ago
  • CAL2806
    Mojo, Honey I think that if we all are 100% honest, we will find that we all have similar times.....Big Ole Granny Cal Hugs are headed your way and you are so not beat yourself up.....just get up to the new day and get yourself going strong again....
    3355 days ago
  • CINCIN65
    I came to your page to find out what happened to you and I got the answer before I could ask it. I'm glad to know I'm not the only human that does this.
    I'm still battling the same 5 pounds, up and down, since i joined in April. I was about to let the f@*#it's happen too. But reading your post made me feel better.
    Lets get the mojo going again and see what happens.
    Hope to see you posting again.
    3355 days ago
    Well not only am I glad to hear from you I am glad you wrote it out so you can look at it all on paper to help you walk out and away from it. How enlightening to read and look at it from afar. So many things.... mom, job, stress etc and trying to fix/touch all of them with one seems so bizarre when your not the one doing it. So Mo thanks for writing it all out for us to also learn from it with you. We all do it but it was refreshing to ear you say that it was UNfullfilling or in other words it didn't work. I hope you find direct ways to deal with each thing in its own unique way and soon walk out of the storm into the sunshine. K
    3356 days ago
    Welcome back, MO...It's so great to have a community like this to come to when we fall and and wind up bleeding a bit. Thanks for the honesty. emoticon And congrats on the new contract...will be praying for you for strength to prioritize and focus and achieve what needs to get done without being siphoned off by distractions and the "Urgency of the Generally Insignificant." (Wayne Watson song)
    3356 days ago
    today has just begun ... that sounds so good. like "the rest of your life has just begun".
    you are doing good not beating yourself up. getting to the core of what is making us binge is the key to a solution - if you succeed in noticing those factors before you fall into mindless eating mode you will be able to prevent this permanently.
    glad to see you back on track today - take this one day after the other. you have already started a new streak today.
    3356 days ago
    I've been thinking about you and wondering why you haven't been posting. I should have sent you a note, but I am dealling with my own bit of "denial" here.

    I'm glad you're back. Your blog brought out some good points about why I am not doing too well right now. I have to add "dealing with an allergy related cold that won't quit" to the list.

    I decided this morning, before reading your blog, that I have to get back on track. I have not gained any weight, but I will if things don't change.

    I am encouraged by your words. I don't have to feel bad that I feel bad. Just pick myself up and keep going. I will get well. My Mom will get well, though not as quickly. Eating well and exercising will only help.

    Thanks for finally checking in. We need you!

    3356 days ago
  • H-2-OH
    I had a feeling something was up. Isn't it funny how it's easier to practice new habits when you're surrounded by other people doing the same? And then when you're back out on your own it can get overwhelming SO easily. No wonder you felt the way you did. You have a lot going on.
    {{{{{{{{{{{{{big hug!}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

    3356 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.