My Rambling Blog

Sunday, August 24, 2008

This past week was pretty uneventful as far as my "New Way of Life" is concerned. I don't have any huge news to blog about. I had a great blog entry going last Sunday evening about that past week, but the lights went out for a few secs and I lost it. When they came back on, I was so aggravated that I just said forget it.

School started back on Monday. Boy was it quite the roller coaster!! I am teaching kindergarten AND 1st grades this year. But they each have their own self-contained classrooms, so my assistant and I are playing mad-dash all day. I'm back and forth so much that I feel as if I will pass myself! At least maybe I'm getting in some kinda work-out with it though. The only problem is that I am so tired and my feet are hurting so bad that by the time I get home, I don't feel like doing the 10,000-step walk I had been doing 3-5 times a week. I need to get some better shoes for one thing. I've been just wearing my various flip-flops. But the outside sides of my ankles (esp my left one) are swelling and KILLING me, so I think I need something a little more supportive. I wear capris though and hate to wear tennis shoes with them. Don't know if some good sandals will cut it. (If anyone has any input on possible causes of my pain and ways to solve it, please let me know! I'm not so sure it's just my weight. I think it may be arthritis. I have it bad in some of my fingers already, and in my knees, so why not my ankles too?)

As for my eating, I am still doing good. Every day is not perfect, but my absolute worst eating day now is still FAR better than my best days used to be. I don't do junk food, other than pretzels and occasionally some Pringles. I sometimes eat a little more than I would like to at supper, but it's usually cuz I have been too long since eating and have let myself get ravenous. Still, I am eating about half what I used to for supper. My water consumption is inconsistent to say the least. It's an all-or-nothing kinda thing. If I get started on it, I drink the full amount I should. But some days I just don't get it started to begin with. Gotta work on it cuz I def want to eat more when I don't have my water. Also gotta break out my exercise DVDs and find some stuff to do if I can't walk. And, like now, Fay is settled over us and we are expecting rain until Wednesday, so I gotta find smething to do indoors.

I am practicing lots of the "tricks" to cut back my food consumption. I have always used the biggest plate I could find. I've been using my smallest ones now. And I used to pile the food on. Now I dole myself small portions, half or less of what I used to fix. And when I am done, and find myself wanting more, I get up and go potty, or just fumble around in the kitchen for a bit to see if the desire to have more passes and it almost always does. I also used to hang around the table, just sitting there after everyone else had gone. When my hubby would head out for his After-Dinner Smoke, I would have some more After-Dinner Dinner!! I would eat. And eat. And...u get it. Now, I am the first one done. And he and the kids have been clearing the table, so I'm not tempted to finish stuff off then either. If I pull out all my little tricks, and I STILL find myself unsatisfied, I have a hand full of pretzels or some baby carrots. And I don't have anything at all after supper except water and carrots or pretzels if absolutely neccessary.

I have also passed another little hurdle. I love, adore, and crave Chinese food. My favorite is Moo Goo Gai Pan. And we actually have a small local Chinese take-out place. I love their Moo Goo combo, which is a container of Moo Goo and pork fried rice, and an egg roll on the side. Their egg rolls are AWFUL, so I don't eat that. I used to sit and scarf the whole meal down at once. Well, now when I get it, I get a plate and rake out half of the Moo Goo and rice onto the plate to eat then and put the other half in the fridge for a second meal later. And the thing that AMAZES me is that I am FULL after I eat half!! I look at it now and wonder how I was ever able to eat to eat the whole thing before and not be just miserably sick. Sometimes I was sick afterward though.

Thankfully, I have only had that miserably full feeling once in the past few weeks. One of the things I love about my new life, is that I don't wake up every morning feeling hung-over. That is exactly how I used to feel most mornings. I would awaken feeling (still) overly full, blah, yucky, fat, headachy, breathless, gassy, etc. And of course, I'd vow, promise, and swear that it was the LAST time I would EVER do that to myself again. Then my day would start, and inevitably, it would end with me going to bed making the same kind of promises that I woke up making. What a nasty, nasty cycle!! Waking with disappointment, guilt, anger, and dread. Eating through your day obliviously. Going to bed with the same disappointment, guilt, anger, and dread that you woke with. Yecchh! THAT IS N-O WAY TO LIVE.

Now, I have more energy. I have less pains. My stomach doesn't stay upset. I don't feel breathless all the time. My mood is better. I feel tremendous pride in myself, pride that I am DOING IT!! And pride in how I look...even though there are no real noticeable differences yet after just 10 lbs., I still FEEL like I look better. Used to, I would go out most of the time with my head hung in shame...feeling as if everyone in the world could see what a nasty, gorging pig I was. Now, even though most people have no idea that I have changed and am changing, I just feel so much better about myself when I am out. It's weird and hard to explain.

I ramble on like this in all of my postings and blogs for 2 reasons. First of all, it is so very therapeutic for me. Secondly, it is my sincerest hope that...somebody on one of their darkest days, or somebody who needs to embark on this kinda journey but just doesn't think they can do is my hope that these people might find some kind of inspiration/hope in my writings.

I cannot say this enough...IF I CAN DO IT, ANYBODY CAN. If you are there, I HAVE BEEN THERE TOO. If you are going through it, I HAVE GONE THROUGH IT TOO. If you are struggling, I HAVE STRUGGLED TOO. If you have felt depressed and hopeless, I HAVE FELT DEPRESSED AND HOPELESS TOO. If you feel totally powerless over food, I HAVE FELT TOTALLY POWERLESS OVER FOOD TOO. If you want to just give up and decide to stay fat forever, I HAVE GIVEN UP MANY TIMES AND DECIDED TO STAY FAT TOO. I have told myself and friends so many times..."Well, I'm not trying to land a man, I have a man and he loves me no matter what, so what's the point in losing weight? I'm still mobile, so why bother??" I am probably the only fool on the planet who has always looked at anorexics with pure JEALOUSY. I actually TRIED to become bulimic, but thankfully I was just never able to make myself throw-up no matter how hard I tried. (Please don't chastise me and fuss about these kinds of thoughts...I truly DO realize that anorexia and bulimia are TERRIBLE diseases and I am NOT trying to make light of them. I am just being honest about my own twisted thought patterns.) I have been a sick, sick girl. I know that I truly do have a problem with food, the same way an alcoholic has a problem with alcohol. (Imagine them HAVING to still drink alcohol several times a day though, but in moderation!!) This is and always will be a journey for me. And it will be always be a minute-to-minute struggle to remain gorge-free. At this moment I am winning the battle. So I just revel in this moment without looking back at the moment before or looking ahead to the moment yet to come. If for no other moment in time, for right now...I am okay.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    One more thing. You are not the only one on the planet that was jealouss of people that were anorexic. I too tried the bulimic thing but couldn't make myself throw up either. So we have that in common!

    3464 days ago
    Do you wear your pedometer all day while at school? You may be getting your 10,000 steps in just by running after the kids all day!!!

    You said you try not to eat after dinner. But I make sure that I still have several hundred calories left over for snacks after my meals and then I will mix up a bowl of dried fruit or make some fruit salad and eat that in the late evening as a snack. I know some people say that you will gain weight if you eat late in the evenings, but if you are staying within your calorie ranges that Spark gives you then you don't. It doesn't matter what time you have your calories. But depending on what you eat, it may not digest as well which can cause heartburn. But since I'm a night time snacker, I have my snacks around 9pm. And that holds me over so that I'm not starving come the next morning.

    But you are doing great so keep it up!

    Debbie emoticon
    3464 days ago
    Very well written. And I will say it again: We have alot in common in the way we think and feel about this whole process. I am so glad you are OK for this moment. I pray that it will continue for you until you reach your goals. Please continue to ramble whenever you feel the need (hee, hee)

    emoticon emoticon

    3466 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/26/2008 6:48:47 AM
    Wow, What a story!!! Sounds like you have really made some great progress so far. Keep up the FANTASTIC work. You're doing great.


    Hugs, Alice
    3467 days ago
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