Sunday, August 17, 2008
I feel a little off track. Maybe not in so many calories, or minutes walked, or hours slept-but mentally, I've been feeling misguided, and out of touch with myself.
In a month, I'm starting massage school. A new place, where no one has seen me bulging out of a size twenty. It's a relief, to genuinely start anew. It's difficult being a fat person. Everyone knows you are overweight-so many times, it becomes a guessing game. Am I the largest in the room? Do people think of me as fat?
That mentality has infiltrated my life before. I am very proud of myself for handling being a fat person well, but I am ready to develop my self image as a fit young woman.
I am working on my relationship with food. Firstly, I want to make it a goal, I only eat what I want to eat. If this means chocolate, steak, or mashed potato, so be it. Secondly, I want to feel empowered to eat whatever I want to eat, knowing in my heart, I have the power to stop myself whenever I feel like it.
My food tracking has become compulsive. Can there be too much of a good thing? I feel genuinely distressed when I can't plug it all in. Seeing it on paper gives me the confirmation that I've done well. Part of me feels a little ashamed to be so...detailed about the whole thing, but I also feel it does serve to keep me honest, on track and empowered. I just wish I had a healthier way of doing it.
I've been doing yoga daily. Did you know I studied yoga in Nepal? I did. I woke up at sunrise every morning to salute the sun. Mornings have become ritualistic for me here, and that is very theraputic. Food and rituals are deeply connected with me, and I find it very easy to eat a healthful breakfast because of my routine. Anyway, I do yoga and meditate while my husband showers in the morning, and I feel my attitude about my body changing.
Wish me a better day tomorrow then I had today.