Tuesday, August 05, 2008
Yes, we all ask this question at one time or another, don't we? Who am I? What am I? My husband said that I must think I am a machine. I must. I am a very high set of expectations, goals, aspirations, MUSTS. I am a spirit not content with mediocracy, although I am there right now. I am a mind that believes in the POTENTIAL of self and others, and that we must aspire to become more than we think possible. I BELIEVE we must do that. But I am here, right now, with gained weight, a depressed attitude, and a lost feeling. I am not living up to my potential. In fact, I am in reverse of my potential. Falling into old habits of mind, body and soul. Down, down, down. I KNOW the way to stop falling--just STOP. But I keep falling, with excuse and excuse after excuse. I am numbed by the nonsense bulls*it I tell myself. I am tired of hearing myself tell lies. JUST MAKE THE DECISION, BRANDY! All the lies go away and then I am left with a cleaner truth--about myself, abou the world, about the potential to be great--for myself. Sure, we often want to be great for others, but I truly believe it is most important to be great ourselves. People leave, people judge, peoplge get jealous....we can't control others. So we must find large amounts of good stuff INSIDE. I am lacking right now. Floating in a weird space, actually. Mentally checked out of my job that requires so much mental commitment. Mentally checked out of working out in a structured way---but it's something I desperately need. Looking in to crossfit. Always looking for new things to try, to do, to get inspired through. Always looking for people to light the way, to inspire me! I once told a co0worker that I needed some inspiration. She laughed and said "YOU need inspiration? You have to be kidding!" YES! I need inspiration too. :) Just because I am a motivator does not mean I can always motivate myself, or that I don't have rought spots. That's why I am on SparkPeople. I have met the people here who motivate me, and inspire me, and encourage me. Here is where I meet people who "get" my struggles. I do not feel alone here.
Right now I am cooking low fat chicken breast, thinking about the contract I am going to make tonight. Is it going to be no sweets, no fast food, no bulls%it for a year? It's going to be something drastic. I do well with drastic. I can CUT things out of my life when it's good for me---people, food, and I am working on jobs. :)
That's it. The chicken is almost done and I am tired. I have a heavy feeling----a feeling of non-freedom that I dislike, that I self-impose.