Saturday, August 02, 2008
So, as I walk down this path of reclaiming my life again, I have been trying to pay attention to what is going around me and my feelings, attitudes, and my reactions to those things. I have read the concept that our true self is often reflected in the things around us. I was in the garden pulling weeds and stood up to take a quick break and watch the sunset. The idea of my surroundings mirror what is going on inside me kept bubbling up in my mind. As I stood there it occurred to me that my garden is very reflective of what I do and how I am currently and how I am changing.
I know I have said that I am competetive....compulsive....a
nd did I mention an over achiever? My garden this year is 100 feet by 150 feet. When my husband and I started tilling that particular section of the meadow to become a garden (yes, it is a new garden patch and we are fighting all the meadow grass and weeds that have been there since the dawn of time). I was the one that wanted the really big garden. I wanted to feed our family for the winter with what we grew. I promised with all the good intentions I could muster that I would be right there in the middle of the weed pulling with every one so that we could have a great garden.
Our older two daughters were there to help. We all pitched in our time and, boy, it was hard work but worth it. Then I started bowing out of the garden chore as I had work to do and there was only so many hours in the day. Then the older girls left home for a couple of months to visit family out of state for the summer and that left hubby, baby, and me to do the gardening.
While I still wanted the garden and had the good intentions of working it, it was becoming too hard, too much work, the weeds kept coming up, and besides I had work to do. But since I had promised my husband I had to find the hours somewhere....so instead I got up early so that I could get my work done in the early hours and then go to my other job during the day and then come home to take care of the ranch and garden with my husband. But I had nothing left to give anyone else come the weekend due to exhaustion. Once again I had started with grand ideas of what I would do and somehow last the motivation/momentum/priority to get it done. There were so many other things that needed my time and attention. What is it that I really treasure ---- what is being reflected-----if others looked in at what I did, what would they say I value versus what I say I value?
Now is the time to strike the balance. I stopped working as much on one of the jobs, I dont get up as early in the morning, and I am trying to be sure that I actually spend time with the people that I truely love and doing the things that bring me joy. Heck, that is part of the reason we moved out here - to get me off the treadmill of the rat race.
As I stood there in the middle of my garden it struck me profoundly just how much I am like this patch of land. I come from stock that would not have been thought of as the best. I struggle to overcome the limitations of the fences around me. The weeding of negative thought patterns and behaviors is not a one time event. Even as I pull the weeds on my right that I have allowed to grow, I can see off to the far left the new ones coming in where I recently cleared the ground. That, I, like my plants, grow so much better when I am not being strangled by the weeds. That some things grow no matter if you planted them or not. And some of the best surprises are the things that grow in the odd spots - like the odd corn stalk that somehow migrated and is growing in the beans. That even within the tall weeds - there is something very wonderful hiding there - I just have to set it free.
Excuse me while I go out and do some weed flinging...both inside and out.