This is Me!
Saturday, August 02, 2008
I am 40 years old and want to live to another 40 but unfortunately if something does not change (primarily my weight) I don't think that is going to happen. As a teenager, I was very (VERY) thin. After I had my first child the weight started climbing. I never lost the "baby weight" and accepted that I was never going to be a size 3 again. I allowed myself to balloon to a size 18. I got depressed and lost weight, then got pregnant again and the cycle continued, except that the second pregnancy I was already a size 10. After the fourth pregnancy, I was a fat and "happy" size 24. I have yo-yo dieted between a size 12 and 24. I am now at the heaviest that I have ever been and my doctors are wanting me to have gastric bypass (except my cardiologist who will only clear me for gastric banding). My husband is totally against it. He feels that it is not the answer.
I do not necessarily overeat but I eat the wrong things at the wrong times. I have a terrible sweet tooth (not the best thing for a diabetic) and I have insomnia with a tendency to graze after midnight. I haven't had a formal exercise plan for quite a while, but I get lots of exercise lifting lumber and scrap metal and doing other cleaning up around our house.
I have tried nearly every diet out there with only minimal success for short periods of time. I can't take diet pills because of heart problems.
I have a tendency also to ignore my needs for the needs (and wants) of others. I realize that this is one of my issues that needs to be resolved. I need to become more selfish in order to protect and improve my health. For a long time, I have felt that I did not deserve to have my wants and needs met. It was my JOB to tend to everyone else and see that they were happy and content. I have to learn to take time for myself so that I will be around longer to see to the needs of everyone else.
I want to be a stronger, healthier, happier, more content, vibrant, productive, energetic, confident person. I know that as the weight comes off, this person will be able to emerge. I want to be that size 12 that I know is in there somewhere. I can still see her when I look in the mirror. It is only when I look at pictures that I see the fat person I have let her become. I want that person GONE!!!!!!!!!