Saturday, July 19, 2008
This is not the first time I have been down this road. I have lost the weight before, true, not quite this much, but I know I can do it. I have talked about it, theorized about it, researched about it, cried about it, but have done nothing about it. It seems so hard to believe that the scale has gone up this much. I don't see just how fat I am when I look in the mirror. But when I see myself in pictures, the few that I allow, I am disgusted with the image. I have spent years hiding behind the lens and deferring to being the one taking the pictures as the reason I am not in any. While that is a true statement about a love of photography, it does not change the fact that I will not willingly allow my picture to be taken. Why immortalize just how far I have let things go. I can blame any number of situations, people, emotions, etc. But when push comes to shove, I have not done what I know needs to be done. I am not watching my portions. I am not getting out and exercising. I am not taking care of me and instead am allowing myself to be the martyr to the needs of the family, of the ranch, of anyone but me. So, a new journey begins. This is not for anyone but me. No short cuts. No trick. No gimmicks. Just me, the early morning quiet, and getting up to do something. I am worth 30 minutes to myself. I am worth paying myself more than lip service. I look in the mirror and no longer see me...but rather the reflection of my mother. I do not want to live the next 20 years as she has - I will no longer allow myself to wallow in the muck of obesity. I will take the first step today.