Thursday, July 03, 2008
For a long time I've figured that one of my main areas in avoda (service) is in gaining confidence and belief in the abilities G-d has given me. It seems to be a life long goal.
I'd thought I as a little bit farther than I am or maybe I'm regressing a little.
All I know is
My glasses broke a couple of Shabboses ago and I ended up wearing my old glasses from 8 years ago. Actually they come with a lot of good memories. I started being committed to a frum life while wearing these glasses. I spent pleasant happy times in the Seattle Chabad community while wearing these glasses. I then spent 11 wonderful months learning Torah full-time in the holy city of Tsfat at Machon Alte wearing these glasses and then I came to New York, met my husband and got engaged while I wore these glasses.
Still. They're big. It's amazing how my look changes wearing them and unfortunately I don't like what I see, and more importantly, It's amazingly sad how my confidence took a major dive simply because I was wearing these glasses and my sheitel could use some help.
I thought my self confidence was supposed to come from within. I thought that I've traveled very far from my teenage years and yet here I am thinking along similar lines that I would have when I was in high school. I didn't even like high school.
So along with my goals for health I need to work on centering myself on what's ikker (the main thing) and what's tofful (secondary and beyond)
I have to simply accept myself for who I am. Baruch Hashem( Thank G-d), I've managed to lose all my weight I gained in Pesach and beyond. I'm only a few pounds from a healthy BMI and a few pounds from my goal. I'm exercising and feeling good and keeping my temper more.
But I'm still me and that means that I'm not turning into someone who has tiny thighs, tummy and that other t. zone back there. It's not happening. I might be petite but I'm not tiny. So just because I tried on something today at a store that was a size 12 (small size 12!) that was tight around my thighs and looked simply awful on me doesn't mean I'm a failure. It simply means that the cut of the dress looks simply awful on me. Oh and a kick pleat going all the way up to the knee might be tsnius but it also looks horrible on me!
Now I need to actually internalize all this and live it.