Monday, June 30, 2008
I'm not sure what to do. It's 3:00 in the morning and I can't sleep. My husband is such a jerk. I spent sometime with friends today, which I don't get to do very often. When I came home ready to spend the evening with him and my daughter and he was suddenly mad at me. Why? Because I was scrapbooking for too long. He was upset because he felt like I picked them over him. Then he proceeded to yell at me how he is not going to see me the rest of the week and why would I choose to spend 6 hours away from him when we never have that much time together. I mean he was so mad at me.
Mind you I ask him if he was ok with it about a month ago. Then I asked him again a few weeks later. Then I also reminded him the beginning of the week and yesterday. At no point did he say he had a problem with it. He said he didn't know it was going to be 6 hours. The proceeded to throw in my face the fact that he sometimes gives up overtime to spend time with me. I felt so blindsided, he took my perfectly nice fun day and made me feel like I did something horribly wrong. I was in tears for most of the night. He asked me not to do this again on a day he's off. But basically that means I can never go out for the day without the baby because I have no one else but him to watch her. So I can never go to an all day crop, never go shopping with a friend for the day. Never go out to a lunch and a movie with anyone but him. I basically can have no social interaction outside of him. He has no hobbies and his general desire is to sit on the couch and watch TV. So it's not like he ever goes out with the guys and asked me to sit all day. I can't make him understand why I need a day away every now and then. He see's it as we have no time together, why would I take the little time we have and spend it with someone else. How do I make him understand without sounding like I don't want to spend time with him.
Basically, I came home and got ripped a new one and was made to feel horrible because I spent one day away from Truthfully I'm getting so sick of always rushing to get home from work because if I'm late he will wonder why and get upset. The other night I was late talking with someone at work, lost track of time and left late. I had to make up a lie to tell him because I knew if I didn't he would give me a hard time. I find I'm doing that a lot lately and I hate that. I don't want to lie, it's not me. I love him so much and want to make him happy but I'm not liking this controlling part of him. I can't shake the feeling that even though he had plenty of time to tell me how he felt he didn't because wanted to teach me a lesson. Make me feel so bad that I would never want to do it again. Almost like he punished me for doing something when I could have been with him.
Now I feel trapped. I can't do anything when he is off without seeming like I don't want to be with him and I can't find a sitter so I can do these things when he is working. To me it was just one day. One day I took off from the housework, the job, him and the baby. A day I could just sit and do something I enjoy, something just for me.
Don't get me wrong I love spending time with him but he has worked so much for so long I have developed other things in my life that give me joy. Now because he's home when I'm home I'm suppose to give any hobbies and friends I have made up. I feel like he sucked the life out of me because I know I will never have the freedom to do something without him. Not even once in a while.
He doesn't have any hobbies, and works a lot of overtime. He couldn't wait to throw in my face how spending timw with friends scrapbooking doesn't even bring any money into the house at least when he's away it brings in money. (More guilt). He gave me no way out. I couldn't even explain myself. I felt guilty and sad for something I didn't even know was wrong. Now I feel resentful and trapped. I see his point but I don't think it was fair. I don't know why he can't understand it wasn't personal, I just wanted a day away. But if I say that, it hurts his feelings. I couldn't make him see my side so I finally just gave up and agreed not to do it again. Now I'm up at three in the morning depressed and feeling like I have no control over my life. That's I'm dictated to by him. I've become my mother. I do everything to keep him happy, so he won't get mad and so we don't fight. I feel like by losing this battle, I've lost a piece of myself. I see his side but he can't see mine.
There's not point in talking about it with him anymore I just have to accept it I guess. Problem is I feel so resentful towards him for crapping on my nice day and making me upset that I can't stand to look at him. I have no desire to be around him. I wish so badly he has to work overtime now so I don't have to see him. I dread tomorrow night when I have to come home from work and try to pretend I'm ok with everything. If I can't it will just erupt into a fight I can't win. I hurt his feelings if I want to have one day away from him, but I don't want to be around him knowing I have no choice anymore.