My husband's a jerk
Monday, June 30, 2008
I'm not sure what to do. It's 3:00 in the morning and I can't sleep. My husband is such a jerk. I spent sometime with friends today, which I don't get to do very often. When I came home ready to spend the evening with him and my daughter and he was suddenly mad at me. Why? Because I was scrapbooking for too long. He was upset because he felt like I picked them over him. Then he proceeded to yell at me how he is not going to see me the rest of the week and why would I choose to spend 6 hours away from him when we never have that much time together. I mean he was so mad at me.
Mind you I ask him if he was ok with it about a month ago. Then I asked him again a few weeks later. Then I also reminded him the beginning of the week and yesterday. At no point did he say he had a problem with it. He said he didn't know it was going to be 6 hours. The proceeded to throw in my face the fact that he sometimes gives up overtime to spend time with me. I felt so blindsided, he took my perfectly nice fun day and made me feel like I did something horribly wrong. I was in tears for most of the night. He asked me not to do this again on a day he's off. But basically that means I can never go out for the day without the baby because I have no one else but him to watch her. So I can never go to an all day crop, never go shopping with a friend for the day. Never go out to a lunch and a movie with anyone but him. I basically can have no social interaction outside of him. He has no hobbies and his general desire is to sit on the couch and watch TV. So it's not like he ever goes out with the guys and asked me to sit all day. I can't make him understand why I need a day away every now and then. He see's it as we have no time together, why would I take the little time we have and spend it with someone else. How do I make him understand without sounding like I don't want to spend time with him.
Basically, I came home and got ripped a new one and was made to feel horrible because I spent one day away from Truthfully I'm getting so sick of always rushing to get home from work because if I'm late he will wonder why and get upset. The other night I was late talking with someone at work, lost track of time and left late. I had to make up a lie to tell him because I knew if I didn't he would give me a hard time. I find I'm doing that a lot lately and I hate that. I don't want to lie, it's not me. I love him so much and want to make him happy but I'm not liking this controlling part of him. I can't shake the feeling that even though he had plenty of time to tell me how he felt he didn't because wanted to teach me a lesson. Make me feel so bad that I would never want to do it again. Almost like he punished me for doing something when I could have been with him.
Now I feel trapped. I can't do anything when he is off without seeming like I don't want to be with him and I can't find a sitter so I can do these things when he is working. To me it was just one day. One day I took off from the housework, the job, him and the baby. A day I could just sit and do something I enjoy, something just for me.
Don't get me wrong I love spending time with him but he has worked so much for so long I have developed other things in my life that give me joy. Now because he's home when I'm home I'm suppose to give any hobbies and friends I have made up. I feel like he sucked the life out of me because I know I will never have the freedom to do something without him. Not even once in a while.
He doesn't have any hobbies, and works a lot of overtime. He couldn't wait to throw in my face how spending timw with friends scrapbooking doesn't even bring any money into the house at least when he's away it brings in money. (More guilt). He gave me no way out. I couldn't even explain myself. I felt guilty and sad for something I didn't even know was wrong. Now I feel resentful and trapped. I see his point but I don't think it was fair. I don't know why he can't understand it wasn't personal, I just wanted a day away. But if I say that, it hurts his feelings. I couldn't make him see my side so I finally just gave up and agreed not to do it again. Now I'm up at three in the morning depressed and feeling like I have no control over my life. That's I'm dictated to by him. I've become my mother. I do everything to keep him happy, so he won't get mad and so we don't fight. I feel like by losing this battle, I've lost a piece of myself. I see his side but he can't see mine.
There's not point in talking about it with him anymore I just have to accept it I guess. Problem is I feel so resentful towards him for crapping on my nice day and making me upset that I can't stand to look at him. I have no desire to be around him. I wish so badly he has to work overtime now so I don't have to see him. I dread tomorrow night when I have to come home from work and try to pretend I'm ok with everything. If I can't it will just erupt into a fight I can't win. I hurt his feelings if I want to have one day away from him, but I don't want to be around him knowing I have no choice anymore.
Member Comments About This Blog Post
Wow many of you seem to have similar instances with your men that I have. My situation is a bit different though as my jealous husband has been a porn addict (by that I mean masturbating 4 times a day while in his mid 30s). He'd only make love to me about once a month and didn't care if I enjoyed it or not. He only did it to stop me from complaining. He's the primary bread earner and even though I help him with most of his projects he rarely thanks me and mostly complains. I used to think I had it good with a great man and a fun life. I realize now I was disillusioning myself but I am stuck here for reasons I'm not willing to disclose. Point being my husband is a selfish jerk and for the past year I've been trying to figure out how to bring myself back to happiness despite his a$$hole type ways
1630 days ago
Sounds like you are married to someone I used to date..... I hope not.... he was HORRIBLE :-( Hope you have worked it out since then.....
2456 days ago
My ex-husband used to do the same thing to me. I wish I could say it gets better but in my case it didn't. I was miserable for such a long time, that I mistook it as something normal. I've been divorced almost two years now, and am in a healthy relationship for the first time in a very long while.
2628 days ago
Hey! All I can say is that I can comerserate! All men are jerks at some time or another. It's what they do. It's what they are. There is no perfecrt man. I have been married for 10 years to a man that I dearly love. We are older (in our 50's). As I am no spring chicken it is hard for me to "do everything" around the house. To get ready for Xmas, he brought the tree into the house. We live in a three story townhouse. That's all he did. I had to drag all the decorations up from the garage one floor below. I worked for about 12 hours (10 a.m. to 10 p.m.) to decorate the tree and the house (inside and out) for Xmas. I was exhausted. He went golfing all day. We both work full time but all he does is take out the trash and golf. I cook, clean, decorate, grocery shop, laundry, and "service him." What do I get? Well, many nice gifts, nice clothes, a nice house, a man whom I THINK loves me, and hopefully, an early retirement. As much as I do for the home and the family I like to think that the payoff is just as valuable. AND by the way, he yells at me because once in a great while I drop the F bomb. Geez.... No one is perfect, as I am not either. They are jerks. Not us. Anyway, the point is...be happy for what we have I guess. Everything has it's tradeoffs!
2769 days ago
I know this is an older blog, but... I was married for a couple of years & took ONE night to go out with a girlfriend, leaving my husband to watch our daughter. When I got back, he proceded to ask if I'd had a good "f***" WHAT?? I was out with a GIRL, HELLO!! anyway--I struggled through that marriage for several years, and now am separated from him. Your husband wants to control all your time, and isolate you from friends. He wants to be the only one who matters to you. I agree with one person who said he had time to tell you he didn't want you to go, but didn't. He was waiting to blindside you. Either get counseling or go through years of misery with him, or go on & divorce him. Such people don't change on their own. he needs help to get over himself.
2781 days ago
This is an old blog which came up while doing an internet search. This guy has an abusive personality. You should look it up, and see the abusive personality wheel. When you see it, it will be like looking at a picture of your husband. Sorry, probably not what you wanted to hear, but I was married for 12 years to one, so I know all about it...and it will blindside you. Good luck!
2897 days ago
Hi Melissa :o)
I know this is an old blog entry, but I just read it so it's new to me! LOL. I wanted to suggest maybe buying a book called "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. If I understand you correctly, your husband deliberately kept silent about what he preferred so that he could "teach you a lesson" (??) This is most definitely controlling behavior Melissa. If you continue to keep silent, your resentment may overflow into bitterness and hatred. You did not do anything wrong by going out. There would have also been nothing wrong at all with him telling you how *he* feels. He chose not to, and that's not your fault. There are so many dynamics to this situation it would not be possible to address it all in an answer to your blog LOL. In many places there are also classes that go along with this Boundary book. Maybe you can try and find one and attend. It would be life changing!
3282 days ago
I hope you have worked things out. Keeping it locked up inside will not help anything. Eventually you will explode or do something you regret. I have a sister who in her first marriage, kept her feelings bottled up and she ruined her marriage. She kept putting off the fights and hurt feelings and eventually she felt so trapped, she went on a business trip and found someone else who made her feel good and had an affair. She ended up in divorce and became extremely depressed and suicidal. She is better now and remarried with a beautiful daughter. But I can't help but wonder, if she would have learned how to communicate with her first husband, would they still be together today? If you still feel trapped and unable to talk to your husband, mabey it is time to seek professional help and talk to a marriage councilor. I am thinking of you.....
3311 days ago
Well, I hope your feeling better :)
I see were you are coming from, my husband only have off once at week which is saturday so do to that i never make plans to go out on saturdays bec he does gets dissapointed if I do since is our only day off together. So, I try to make plans to go out with friends (which I also dont have many just maybe couple of friends) on Sundays instead. I know that for you this may not work because of your husband schedule and the baby. But maybe if he is working on the other days that you might be off you maybe can have your family to watch the baby for couple hours so you can have some time for yourself.
I hope the situation gets better, and if you can try to talk over with him and explain to him that you also need time off for yourself just like everyone else do, if not the whole maybe then couple hours here and there.
I hope you fell better about it
Take care, Daiane
3311 days ago
From an outside point of view...this isn't healthy or good. You count and so do your feelings. He had plenty of time to say,"no, can you do it some other day?" And he chose not to. He is being super selfish.....I know 'cus my hubby is the same way sometimes. I am a stay at home mom to three kids and I have no friends and no adults to talk to....except when I go scrapbook. So I know how you are feeling. He is not being fair and I am sure that he knows it. Maybe if he got out more and made friends it would be better. Do you go to church? Would he join the Elks or something along those lines?
Do not give up what you like to do. You need some you time and deserve it too. Yes, you love your family but girl time is needed just as much. Guys don't get it at all. Is there a teenage girl in the neighborhood that may baby sit from time to time? Does any of your girlfriends have daughters old enough to baby sit? Just some ideas to help you stay sane. I really wish you the very best and not sure what else to say. If you want to talk more just write to me...I will listen and not judge.
Emotional Eaters Co-Leader
3312 days ago
Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.