Sunday, June 01, 2008
I do a terrible job of being present while I'm eating. In some ways, I think I do a terrible job of being present period.
Although I'm from a long line of alcoholics and drug addicts - I do neither of those things. No, my drug of choice is food. Has been since I was about 10 years old -- just as long as I've had weight and self esteem issues. Any correlation?
I seem to be at my most disconnected when I'm eating. I often eat far beyond fullness and then feel really crummy both physically for being too full and emotionally for having over done it yet again.
This happened again tonight and I'm just kicking myself! We've been trying to be better about eating meals at the table and talking to each other without computers or TV going, etc.
Tonight we let Owen (3 1/2) watch "Madagascar" so we ate Thai take-out in the living room. Since I wasn't really interested in the movie, I was poking around online too. (Only now does it occur to me that that was all the no-nos: not at table, TV on, computer on.) I ended up eating 1.5 egg rolls and a regular dinner size plate with 1/2 Chicken Panang Curry & White Rice and 1/2 Chicken Pad Thai. I was stuffed and immediately felt terrible. Terrible for overdoing it so much and feeling bloated and blecky and out of control.
I want desperately to change this pattern. I do mean to. But time and again I fall down and end up in this place of scolding myself for being unable to stick to any of the changes I want to make - even the simple ones like paying attention when eating.
I got interrupted while writing this post and have lost my train of thought. More later...