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    QUEENANNE1953   36,757
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Can You Laugh at this?

Monday, April 28, 2008


Disclaimer:
My daughter, ANALYZETHIS, emailed this article to me. We do not know the original source. It was NOT created by us. I simply copied and pasted the email. I had to “edit” a few choice words too. Other members may have seen it before. I thought it was funny. I hope it is not offensive to anyone.
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A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

______________________________
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MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. ?Tough to get out of bed, but found it
was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda
waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring!

Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going
to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

______________________________
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TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

______________________________
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WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the
morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help
me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other sh** too.

______________________________
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THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny b**** to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
______________________________
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FRIDAY:
I hate that b**** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And
if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

______________________________
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SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made
me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

______________________________
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SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter (the little sh**) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like
a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend
over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

-LORI-B 4/30/2009 10:29PM

    LOL .. Im finally finding my way to your blogs. I love your attitude about life and this crazy ride we are all on. Thanks for the laughs, wisdom and caring you share with us everyday. Im thrilled to know you. Thanks for being you.
HUgs, LORI

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CELEST 6/5/2008 5:09PM

    OH MY WORD, I nearly fell off my chair laughing. Someone has an unbelievable sense of humor.
Thanks for sharing with us. I'm definitely sending this on to a few of my like minded friends.
xxx

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LEJEAN 6/5/2008 10:30AM

    Very funny, I think I met Belinda, LOL

Le'Jean

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PHATCHIC411 6/3/2008 12:14PM

    Tee hee this is a funny one emoticon

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SERIALKNITTER 4/29/2008 9:01AM

    This is funny. HAHA. How are you doing?

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