Monday, April 21, 2008
So I'm pulling clothes out of the dryer when the urge to blog hits. I start exploring the thoughts I'm itching to spill when I see a common theme. I RESENT the fact I've been forced to go back to work so soon. I RESENT the fact that I can't hang out with my mom groups. I RESENT the fact that my husband thinks the house should be perfect since I'm 'only working part time.' I RESENT the fact that my husband doesn't clean up after himself, much less help with other things. I RESENT that I'm the only one who cares about being a good example for our daughter... The resentment goes on. My first reaction was "Wow. I have a problem." My second was "Help me, God, get rid of this resentment." I've never been here before. I don't know how to deal. I know Who to go to, but I'm still feeling blindsided.
So...what to do next? First, last and always: keep praying. It's gotten me this far and it will get me through to the end. Second: take small steps. Don't expect the resentment to vanish in the blink of a...um...prayer. Tackle one issue at a time. Do I thank my husband when he does help? Do I nag him otherwise? Am I being a good example and cleaning up after myself (and maybe him, too)? Most importantly, do I need to feel like everything is equal, or do I just need to give because that's what a relationship is about? Third: create small goals. What do I really want? Is that reasonable? How can I make that happen? I don't want to work but I have to. Can I take off a day or two each week? Can I only work half days? Can I work from
home? (Yes, I've answered all these already.) Is there a way to make my working environment more pleasant (for me and my daughter)? What are the advantages of being at work versus working from home? How can I use those better?
Finally, what can I do RIGHT NOW? I can hug and kiss my husband and daughter and tell them how much I love them. The truth is, while resentment is selfish, my resentment stems from a desire to do what's best for my family. As long as they know how much I love them, the other stuff is just fluff.
Edited to add:
Okay...now this is just creepy...I had to verify my email address online today, and the code was "resent"