I’ve reached the point where I want to target and tone some areas~mainly my butt, gut, and thighs. A friend mentioned the Butt Blaster Video, led by Coach Nicole. With the buttocks being the largest muscle in the body, I’m all for anything that will assist in its reduction! Supposedly, doing this 5 minute routine for 6 weeks will magically make 3 inches vanish from my gluteus maximus. Wow! How awesome if my gluteus maximus could look more like a gluteus minimus!!
My printer spews out the 2-page printable Butt-Blasting Workout and I study it. This doesn’t look like a horrific way to bequeath 5 minutes out of my day, especially if I will get the touted “end” results. I eagerly cue up the video and scrutinize it. Coach Nicole’s voice is soothing, yet encouraging and energetic, never letting on to any labored breathing or hurting. I giggle aloud, as Coach Nicole explains the lateral leg raises, as being similar to a dog peeing on a fire hydrant. “Piece of cake!” I think to myself. I confer with my online buddies who had also decided to start butt-blasting. They speak of grueling pain…but a good pain…Hmmm. Good pain? Isn’t that one of those oxymorons?? I chicken out the first day and pledge to check with my moronic comrades tomorrow.
The next day arrives. I have saved the video to “My Favorites.” The printout lies beside my computer. All is ready~for when I am ready. Many plausible hindrances crop up, so my 5 minute Butt-Blasting session is put on the back burner…
• Just drank water; better get that out, before trying the video.
• Feeling a little gaseous; better get that out, before trying the video.
• Feeling a little clogged; better get that out, before trying the video.
• Might strain something; better get my Granny Dancing done, before trying the video.
• Heater is running; better let it shut down, so I don’t get too hot, before trying the video.
• Breaking news regarding presidential campaign; better watch that, before trying the video.
• Cat looks so cute, sleeping on exercise mat; better let him nap longer, before trying the video.
Finally, the time seems convenient. I position my mat on the floor. I place the printout on the floor at the head of my mat. I place the computer at the edge of the tabletop, so I can view the video and exercise along with Coach Nicole. Since James is out of town, on a business trip, I start thinking about what could happen while I’m home alone. What if the butt-blasting has adverse effects? After a little deliberation, I leave a comment online for my friends. “I'm getting up my nerve to try this butt blasting thingie! I've got the video cued and the printout handy. Remember, I'm home alone, so if you don't hear from me for a little while, maybe send the paramedics to my house, as I'm most likely stuck on the floor and unable to get up!!!”
Alright, bases are all covered. I launch the video and assume the all-fours pose on the floor. I execute the straight-leg hip extension reps with ease, and silently chide my moronic companions for feeling any pain. Make it through the hold, then the pulses. Okay, the pulses hurt a little bit. Next, Coach Nicole and I roll into the bent-leg hip extensions. Once again, not overly rough on the ol’ body. Make it through the hold, and then do the pulses. Okay, the pulses are a wee bit of a killer. It’s now time for the lateral leg raises. We start off, and I chuckle again at Coach Nicole comparing the move to a dog peeing on a fire hydrant. She’s a hoot! Coach Nicole is still composed and perky, reminding me to suck in my gut and breathe in and out, as we go through the moves. I miraculously make it through the lateral leg raises (for the FIRST leg), wince, doing the hold, and barely survive the pulsing kicks (which she tells you to accelerate at the end). “And now quickly move to the other leg,” she coaches. I’m thinking that I endured the first leg, so the second should be similar~unpleasant, but achievable. Nope. I initiate the lateral leg raises. My buns are burning/throbbing. My arms are trembling/wobbling. I’m laughing/crying. I barely survive the punishing raises, make a feeble stab at the hold, and give what I can (which ain’t much at this point) to the pulsing kicks. I wasn’t able to finish. I curse my moronic friends for telling me about this miserable video. I collapse into the child’s pose stretch, under the so-called coach’s guidance. I make a labored attempt at the upward dog stretch. Then, I do my own stretch~fetal position, bawling feverishly, “I want my Mommy!!”
Once composed, I figure I better get back online and let my friends (who are surely concerned for my well-being) know that I am okay and that there’s no need to send out a rescue unit. Wouldn’t you know that they’ve managed to have a “cute” bantering of conversation during my brief absence. (Oh, yeah! Heed this warning, also! False advertising! The Butt-Blaster video is NOT 5 minutes! It’s actually 6 minutes AND 30 seconds!!)
Here are highlights of the conversation…
Me: “I'm getting up my nerve to try this butt blasting thingie! I've got the video cued and the printout handy. Remember, I'm home alone, so if you don't hear from me for a little while, maybe send the paramedics to my house, as I'm most likely stuck on the floor and unable to get up!!!”
Angie: “IMAGINE THIS PICTURE:
Gorgeous, hunky MN paramedic..rushing to Deb's assistance...she's stuck-
He rushes in, sweat running down his muscled chest (think heart rate monitor guy from goodie choices!)...
Only to find Deb stuck on all fours, doing the "peeing on the fire hydrant" exercise! Is she wearing her two lil’ pony tails...sure, why not! Wouldn't we love to hear the stories back at the firehouse those boys would be telling!!! How would they get you to the ER, stuck like that?
Be careful, you OLD woman!”
Syl: “Angie I'm getting stuck by/passing imagining the hunky paramedic.”
Dana: “Maybe Debbie should put her laptop on the floor.”
Mary: “Just having technical difficulties... can't get past Deb on the floor with the muscled EMT.”
(…Can’t you just feel the love oozing from my “friends”?!!)
Next day, hubby has returned home. We get all caught up in each other’s lives, including me telling him about my butt-blasting endeavor. I tell him that I need to take my derrière measurements, so that I can gauge the progress over the next 6 weeks. Later, I am standing at the sink, when James comes up behind me. He has a carpenter’s tape measure and is measuring from the floor, UP to my cheek bottoms! How in tarnations do men think?! Did he really assume that I wanted a recorded assessment of before and after sagging and droopage??!! I make mental note to increase the weights for my upper body strengthening. Once I get brawny enough to open my own pickle jars, he’s outta here!!
Day 3 of butt-blasting…Coach Nicole is a mean, terrible person! She really needs to get a sense of humor! Butt-blasting isn’t getting any easier. I feel the pain. I’m still unable to execute all the moves from start to finish. Add insult to injury…My cat came over to me, as I was on the floor, working on the lateral leg raises. (Yeah, yeah, the one simulating the peeing dog, real funny, I know!). She lovingly nudged my chin. Although I was grimacing and groaning, she brought me a little peace and soothing comfort. My own little cheerleader! Split second later, she’s turned away from me, her tail lifted and she’s pointing her cute, little gluteus maximus right in my face! And great, she’s holding the pose!!
Mental Note: Hubby gets the cat when he moves out!