4.4.08 - My mom is dying
Friday, April 04, 2008
My mom was rushed to the hospital on Saturday after my dad returned home from Mass and found her slumped over the coffee table. She says she stumbled on her way to the couch after she had gone to the kitchen to get a glass of water, then fell asleep after she couldn't get up. Yea, right.
When they ran some tests, her potassium was low (we later found out she wasn't taking her meds) among other things. As of today, the list grows. While the potassium is under control, they have found clots in her legs and lungs, mild dementia, "slight" pneumonia, and a mass in her tummy the size of Rhode Island involving the liver, pancreas and hepatic vein. They did a CT guided biopsy this morning. Having worked in medicine for over 30 years, some of those with a surgical oncologist, I know what this means. And it ain't good.
For anyone who reads this, you have to understand what we, the family, have dealt with. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to accompany her on doctor's visits during the years, only to be screamed at and called names. And I mean not very nice names - how can you call your daughter a whore who is trying to help you, when that is far from the truth? And I'm talking double digits in years that I've put up with this verbal abuse. I've called the doctor's on numerous occasions asking him to ask her about things, or maybe make a note to look at her differently, only to be screamed at when she got home. Even if I didn't call, which I stopped a few years ago, she would still accuse me of calling if the doctor asked her how something has been. She made life hell for my dad, too. So we stopped, but let her know the offer is there if she wants us to step in.
So why am I posting this? Because besides the family support and having wonderful friends to stop me from beating my self up with the "I could have done mores", I have this site to support me. And keep me on track to stay healthy and not throw it all out the window. I have a ways to go, I know that. But under regular circumstances, and I'm sure many who might see this are nodding their heads, this is when we give up on ourselves, or take the focus off our needs and go for junk because it's more readily available. Junk is the easy way out. I know I have to stay healthy for whatever else is coming down the pike. Since we don't know the primary site of her cancer, I have to wonder what other pro-active measures am I going to have to do? Working in health care I know what I'm up against, and what she is up against, too. The good news is that I'm staying focused on my needs, and watching my dad and sister, too. We have to keep ourselves on top of our game for her sake, especially since we don't know if she'll be coming home and pretty much will need 24/7 care (with the help of hospice). We are looking at options.
I'm a near death experiencer so I have my guides on alert for her. I also know that this is her chosen path, and there is nothing I could have done. I forgive her for not allowing me to help her, and know I was the best daughter I could be. She is telling everyone what wonderful daughters she has and how we have taken care her and my dad. I guess in her mind what we have done is let her be.
So, with all of that, am I going to be perfect? Oh hell no. But with Sparkpeople I know I'll be focused, get up real quick after a stumble, and know I can come here, read the blogs, and be globally connected to everyone who has all kinds of struggles. I know I'm not alone, and you're not either.