Friday, March 28, 2008
i weighed in at 107.8 pounds this morning. i ate too little yesterday and i don't doubt that some of the loss was water weight... see?? this is so illogical and frustrating. i'm scared of eating too much and scared of how much i'll weight, so i eat too little and then the next day i hate myself for doing so beause i feel like the scale is lying. vicious circle.
anyway today, i'm doing ok. at the moment it's 478 calories, 87 carbs, 9 fat, 15 protein and 8 (!!) fibre. i still have dinner to go, and i've been eating little today so i can enjoy my dinner out with my boyfriend without freaking out. it's a japanese grillhouse so it should be healthy, if there is anything fried (set menus mostly) i'll give it to him. i want to be able to enjoy the dinner ad not worry about how many calories i'm consuming, but at the same time be very aware of my stomach and stop when i'm no longer hungry. having only had less than 500 calories so far, even if i eat 800 more at dinner the total is not a disaster! and i've done my usual exercise today too.
on the weekend i suspect my calories will be higher, as i'll be eating meals with my dad, as well as my best friend coming to stay tomorrow. one of the things i really want to achieve is, even when dieting, it doesn't affect my social life or how i feel in those situations, involving food. so what if a friend is over for dinner? doesn't mean your day or weekend is screwed, exercise good portion control and enjoy the food. you can even stick with your exercise, take your stepper into another room so she can stay in bed in the morning while you go and work out, you can still do your strength training no problem. it's adapting to situations like these that makes it a lifestyle, not a short term dieting phase.
what is a bit difficult is, as andie says, it's so hard to take the reactions from people when they know you're dieting - "why are you dieting??? you don't need to lose weight!" blabla, and i feel like a shallow nobody. even my best friend, i suspect she'll roll her eyes and say, "not again" because i was her roommate at boarding school for 4 years and we've stayed close ever since and she knows how much i obsess about my weight,. but not really to the extent that she really wants to support me to get a figure i want so i don't go crazy anymore, i think she just thinks it's a teenagery thing i haven't grown out of. in any case, i WILL NOT give up my exercise/food restrictions just because she will be here.