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Why is this so hard?

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Why is it that I can't get myself to keep going?! I am finding success and seeing results and yet I have stopped working out and starting eating whatever and whenever. What is wrong with me?! I am so close to such a big goal of being under 200 for the first time in 7 or 8 years. There is something inside of me that doesn't want it...that fears it. Why would I be sabotaging myself? Why don't I want to lose this weight? I fear it for some reason...what is it? Being fat is my identity. It is how explain away every failure and ever rejection. It is the thing I beat myself up for the most. Its my excuse to hate myself. Why wouldn't I want to like myself? Why wouldn't I want to lose this weight and gain a whole new life. Do I fear the unknown of it? Who will I be? Where will I fit? What if ... ? I don't even know. I don't enjoy over eating. I end every meal and every day hating the choices I have made. My body deserves better. My husband deserves better. I know that I can do this. I know that my body can do this. I just fear the changes it will bring. I don't know what to say except that I want to get back in this game. I hope I can find my way back soon before I have undone all of my progress and hard work!

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