In a Deep Dark Hole
Friday, March 21, 2008
I have really been in a funk the last couple of days. Still managing to function, but I seem to be just going through the motions. Especially today, the weight of the whole world seemed to be on my shoulders. Everyone wanted something from me, and I just wanted to run away and hide. I even told me daughter that I feel totally alone in so many aspects of my life. All I could do was cry. I haven't cried that much in a long, long time.
The doctor put me on a new medication, clonazepam (Klonopin) that I started taking 4 days ago. I hope it starts working soon, but I know I need to give it time to get into my system. I had been on the generic version of Celexa, but it was giving me the shakes.
I don't think it's the medication making me feel this way, even though it has a sedative effect. There is simply a lot going on in my life that I am feeling overwhelmed. There is a lot of pressure at work, and family issues at home and with the extended family. I am so used to being able to help so many people that I am having trouble taking care of me.
My SparkPeople diet plan is going great! In fact, it is one area of my life that I actually feel like I have some control over. Finding the time (and energy) to get in exercise is another story!
I work two jobs. My full-tim position as a computer programmer can be very demanding an lately has been full of pressure. Part-time, I work as a clerk at a major department store. That job can certainly feel thank-less a lot of the time. But, working with the people there and with the customers (even as much as I complain about them) helps take my mind off of other areas of my life. It's almost like therapy.
Speaking of therapy, I have started seeing a counselor. I have only been to one session so far, but I know she can help me. She has before.
Maybe actually getting the words down here will actually help me by using it as an outlet as well. I hope I don't bore anyone with my rambling. Maybe someone will read it that is going through the same type of issues and know they are not the only one. At the same time, I am not looking for sympathy, but maybe someone who has been through this will offer ideas of what they did to help themselves through it.
I am going to persevere and get through this. I am worth it. And it will get easier.