Aaah yes, it is true... I AM feeling just a little down today. This morning was weigh in - and I am just a LITTLE down from last week... I went down about 1.4 pounds and .5 inch off my hips, and .5 inch off my waist. Not at all bad, but I was really hoping for better numbers. Just as I was preparing to dive down into that downward spiral of self pity and comparison, my husband pointed out the obvious..."So, it was a successful week - the numbers didn't say the same thing... and they didn't say more... so it is still working and you are doing great!" sigh... I know he is right! and I also know that in all honesty - I missed one workout this week and also found myself eating under my range... money is a bit tight and I just didn't have the grocery money (especially after he went shopping on his own to 'help me out'!?) so I skipped a trip to the grocery store and just tried to eat healthy with what we had on hand... which, as it turns out, left little for me to actually eat. So I know for certain NOW that I will not be skipping my weekly trip to the grocery store again! I am all about eating within my numbers - I completely get the importance of it and know how my body works... so I knew better... and in the long run, it very well could have been better to actually eat a few bad choices and at least make it within my ranges rather than fall short for several days in a row!? Life and learn, right?! I tell myself these things and it is like preaching to the choir!?!!

The other thing that had been sort of attacking my mind this past week was that annoying spirit of comparison! Man, can that be discouraging and self-defeating!!? So - I have decided not to entertain those thoughts anymore! I let it sort of knock me off track for a few days - and for the first time I felt like maybe giving up was an option. The funny thing is just when I had that thought - I also made the connection that this is about the same time in the past when I would throw in the towel and give up! Yep... I started making changes on January 1... and so about 2-3 months into it... I would normally be tapering off?! I know... shocking... I am not ALWAYS positive... but honestly - I really usually am - so to fight against this mindset was exhausting - which is sort of the point, because when we are exhausted, we are not really up for the fight?! Ya know?!

Anyway - that realization that once again I was approaching the wall that would normally cause me to back off and turn around... it really actually ticked me off! I am so done with this endless cycle of self-defeat and LFT (lack of follow through)! Breakthrough... this is my year and I am not giving in and I am not giving up... I will win... and I will find freedom!

I explained to my wonderful supportive husband that I will indeed be grocery shopping and while I appreciated him wanting to help me out - I need to do it myself, or at least have a bigger budget so I can go get whatever I need to stay on track, even after he has done some shopping! He is awesome and he gets paid once a week, and often times he stops by the store on payday on the way home from work... nice?! Well - it USED to be nice... and he DID do better in that he didn't buy a LOT of junk... but he didn't buy any fruits or veggies either... and - well, come to think of it - I don't think he bought meat... so I don't really know WHAT he bought?! Anyway - he is aware NOW that I need more money budgeted into our Grocery outing and I will need to go myself with a meal plan/recipes in hand so I can have a plan for the whole week! I know that in the past few weeks - that has made a huge difference! When I can preplan dinners and buy healthy choices for breakfast and lunch I am able to stay on track without a lot of hurdles to climb over!

OH... not only did I lose that first 10#s last week.... I also came face to face with one of my irrational fears... the unsolicited and unexpected compliment!?(Gasp!? Oh the horror!?) LOL! I know I know... I am weird... I have heard it all before?! About a week ago, a friend whom I do not see very regularly mentioned that I was looking really good and she had the AUDACITY to ask if I had been losing weight?! (Can you even believe it?!) I reluctantly fessed up to it, saying, "I have lost a little, but you really can't tell!" LOL!? See? I know this made no sense - because, after all, she really COULD tell and that is why she said something... but it made ME feel better?! Of course, she couldn't just agree with that and let it go... but went on to say, "OH no - I can tell!" Gee.... thanks?! In the past I would have immediately - simultaneously - wanted to yank on my clothes to stretch them out a bit, hide somewhere, and run for a bag of Oreo's! Why, you may ask?! I can't really know... I suppose because I like to think that I am invisible and there is some sort of false sense of safety in that delusion?! This time, however, I am happy to say that I straightened up, put my shoulders back, looked her in the eye and simply said, "Thank you! I guess it is working then!" ...Oreo's didn't even come to mind! THEN... days later, a gal at church said, "I don't know what you are doing - but you look so much younger lately!!! I want to do whatever you are doing?!" I just laughed and said thanks but I honestly couldn't think of what I had been doing... "Well," I thought, "I did just get my eyebrows waxed... and I straightened my hair today... ?!!?" Then it hit me... LOL! I am ten pounds lighter and my clothes are fitting differently and I have more energy thanks to the workouts and better sleep... it all adds up! Yay! Once again, Oreo's were no where in my thinking! Even thinking of them now... I feel no temptation!? (Of course - maybe if I SMELLED them....?!) We won't test that theory - but just rejoice in the knowledge that the mere thought of them no longer causes my mouth to water and my knees to go weak!

So - even though I am a bit disappointed in the SLOWER Tracker... it IS still moving and it is NOT all about the numbers! I found myself comparing either sizes in clothing, or the pounds lost, without even really being aware of it at first! I think, especially as women, we have such a strong tendency to compare ourselves to one another...whether it is in measuring success on the job, or that dress size, or the magic number on the scale, or outward appearance, or status, or, or, or... The Bible tells us NOT to do this... this, I believe, is such a huge tool that is used to break us and cause us to give up and eventually fail... I know I fell into that trap last week a bit... so - how do we overcome this?! How do we STOP ourselves from doing this - when for so many of us it has become a normal part of our thinking?! I think we need to surround ourselves with positive reinforcements! I think we need to really THINK about what we are thinking about... that is the first step! I am a firm believer in the power of positive thinking and I am determined this week to really put a watch over my thought life and gather up the negative self talk and comparing and when I find myself veering over to the dark side, I am going to purposely think positive and refocus on the positive things in my life and the positive changes that I am making...

Oh and as a side note... already - this is Bunko night again for me! Pray for me to really have a great time and to NOT be tempted to black out and misbehave! LOL! Please God... let there not be any Oreo's there?! LOL!?

Oh - another side note... are any of you on Facebook!? OK - that just totally freaked me out... I had a friend sign up and so, (yes, I know!?) even though I have like 50 blogs and a MySpace... I signed up to talk with her and all of a sudden it was a flash from the past with a ton of old high school people on my site?! Not only was it a shock to see all the people, but to see that we are coming up on our (crap!?) 20th Reunion?! Talk about some serious motivation!?!?!! LOL! (Not that I really plan on going... but still!?)

Sorry - not a lot of wit or humor this time around... I was almost ready to name my scale - and this morning... well - he let me down... Newman... until he can be a bit NICER... that is what we are calling him! And yes... we are saying it slow and drawn out with a lot of disgust and contempt! Next week we'll be on better terms! I am determined to make it so! Then we'll have to all think of a better name...

Spark on, People!!!
~Karrilee~