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Wednesday, February 13, 2008

I have been away from here for over a year. I didn't realize it had been so long. I have had several very difficult life changes in this last year. Changes that have left me bereft and wanting more than life has been offering me of late. I am pissed at the universe and am absolutely sure that I want better things... can't take more pain.

I am in a relationship now... with my wife Genevieve. The relationship began strong but over the last year has shown itself to probably not be what I want. I love Gen, but she is a compulsive gambler... and no one can really be in a relationship while devoting all their time to an addiction. I also finally let go in the custody fight I have been suffering with for nearly 8 years... and have almost no contact with my sons. They are my life and my joy... and it kills me not to raise them. But the price of their lives is too much to pay for me. And one by one they have each become suicidal from this struggle they have with their father. So I let go. I hope in giving up the struggle, I have saved their lives. My mom died of cancer in October. She was 57 and I moved her in with me during her last months. I have had a really difficult year. I am lost and struggling to even want to live.

But I had a dream last night. In this dream was my best friend Lou... and I kissed him. I realized upon waking, that I have some hope and some dreams still alive within me. I also realized that I need to work on myself and finding me again. And someday... I may even approach Lou and possibly ask him out on a date lol! But I wanna be good with myself first. I need to be ok with me before I try to do anything else ya know?

So what I want is to stop screwing myself over. What I want is to give myself what I need and desperately want.

And I want to do this today.

I am just glad I have this to come back to. And I actually weigh a bit less than I did a year ago. Not much less.... but it is heartening to know that I can lose some weight.

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