Monday, February 11, 2008
Last night I was soaking in a nice warm bath with a candle thinking about why I needed so many layers of fat. And then I remembered how hard I had to fight to keep any part of myself when I was growing up. The thing is, I had a pretty good childhood. And yet, here I am - someone who got to be over 300 pounds. I started out as a heavy child and just kept getting bigger.
There was so much pressure on me to go down the traditional route of being a "good" Mormon girl - get married, have kids, don't ask too many questions, do everything I'm "supposed" to do. At the same time, the golden age of feminism (early 70's) was telling young women that we could have it all, do it all, be it all.
I don't remember anyone in my life really asking me what I wanted. I did learn that I wasn't supposed to "stick out." I think my fat became my way of saying no since I didn't feel like I could say no any other way.
The good thing is that it did work to a large extent. I was certainly not attractive to any "good" Mormon boys. I mean, not only was I 200 pounds in college, but I was also smart. A very dangerous combination to many people. It was also easier to know that people weren't rejecting ME, they were rejecting my fat.
Last night I acknowledged my inner Michelin mama of layers of fat and thanked her for protecting me. I really needed a way to set boundaries physically since I hadn't learned any other way to set my boundaries. That way I could keep the facade of trying to do the right things while knowing that it wasn't possible because of my layers of fat.
I let her know that I am ready to try this on my own now and thanked her for her many years of service. As I sat there in the tub, I actually felt like a grown-up for a few moments. This morning she was still there saying she doesn't think I'm ready yet. So, I still need to work on setting my own boundaries and proving to myself that I am ready to let this armor go.