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Being stubborn is all I have lately.

Friday, November 23, 2012

When I signed up on SP, I filled out my website registration, closed the page and forgot about it for a month. When I came back, I fiddled around with the meal tracker and also started blogging like mad. After I got over that initial few days of dragging my butt around, I regained my energy level and then got that amazing burst of energy that comes with a nice detoxed body.
I cruised along on this energy for about 4 months and it was amazing!

Then I don't know what happened. Life happened, I suppose. My beau and I have had lots of setbacks financially, and I have had some setbacks physically. I made it through problems with my knee, fell and twisted one ankle, followed by the other ankle about 10 days later...then my nice big fall in the road banging up both knees and peeling the skin off both palms several days after that. There have been days that I have been so stressed that I felt like I was climbing the walls, and my panic attacks are worsening again.

Today, I realized something. I probably will not live to be very old. I have treated my body very poorly throughout my life and I cannot get the stress under control. I hurt. All the time. In doing some checking online and I am pretty sure that one of my falls twisted the cuboid bone in my foot. At the moment I am not able to get to the doctor to have him check it out....so brilliant me decides that while I cannot afford a co pay right now...I will try to manipulate it back into place myself. The result being that now the area surrounding the cuboid bone feels much better, but I put a lot of pressure on my ankle joint...so I am still walking funny. Along with the heel spur on the other foot...well, I have been hurting from my feet clear up to my hips from walking funny.

Both of my ankles are swollen 24/7, sometimes I wrap them, sometimes ice, sometimes heat, always elevated when I am at home. I have tried pushing my way past the pain while walking/jogging, and I have tried not jogging at all. Nothing is working for very long. I am only moving now out of stubbornness and refusing to give up. I have backed my walking/jogging down to 1 mile at a time, but I am going out every day now. Funny thing is that my feet and ankles hurt LESS when I jog, but I am not able to keep up a slow jog for more than a tenth of a mile.
I will be hitting the 100 miles of exercise in a few days, it is my birthday present to myself. Actually, I will hit 100 on the day before my birthday with doing 1 mile per day.

I am VERY bothered and upset lately with not being able to progress past 5k, and now not even being able to do that much. Every day that I have to limp through a mile, or limp to the bathroom from the living room, I feel like my goals are slipping away. I accomplished my 5k goal within the timeframe that I wanted, now I am worried that I will not make my 10k goal by the end of spring 2013 and my HM....I feel like I should just forget that all together.

Soooo....if you have made it reading this far, thats my excuse for being MIA. I just needed a break. I feel like I am slowly failing in all that I had set out to do in this. I am back to those few days in the beginning, congratulating myself for being able to actually make it out of bed and drag myself to work every day. I feel like my diet has gone to hell, I spent a couple of weeks playing with the same 2-3 pounds, but I am pretty sure at this point that I have just put those 3 pounds back on. I am, however, making the effort to get my water intake back up and have been getting my fruit and veggie intake back as well.

I just wanted to check in and let y'all know I am still here and I will continue to cruise on my pigheaded-autopilot for now.

I. Will. Not. Quit.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MOSTMOM1 11/25/2012 10:59PM

    Oh, please be careful and take care of yourself! I hope you can get to a doctor soon and get some help for your injuries. Maybe you could do some chair exercises, to prevent further injuring yourself? Please, be careful. There's only one of you out there.
emoticon emoticon

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UP2ME_CC 11/25/2012 7:34AM

    emoticon

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POSITIVELY_EB 11/24/2012 11:14AM

    I agree with Serene! Do what you can and be kind to yourself! You are NOT failing - it is just setbacks which CAN be over come! Give yourself time and keep making the next right choice!

HUGS!!!

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THE-MORE-GIRL 11/24/2012 12:06AM

    You can do this. Be kind to yourself. You've got a LOT on your plate.

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.DUSTY. 11/23/2012 10:52PM

    I'm so sorry!

If you go to the ER (hospitals that accept payments from government programs. Most all do.) and tell them up front that you can't pay or make payments, by law they have to take you.

You need to get yourself checked out!

As far as all the stress, go to your local Mental Health Clinic. They'll work with you on a sliding scale.

Please don't "wait" for something to happen. Take action. You're worth the effort!
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Comment edited on: 11/23/2012 10:57:46 PM

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YESCURLYCAN 11/23/2012 10:03PM

  That's right; you will not quit! emoticon on having that attitude because there have been far too many people that have fallen off and never return. You acknowleged your setbacks and continue to push anyway. I am sorry that you aren't able to get to a doctor and that you are so full of stress. I pray that there will be brighter days ahead. Take it slow, do what you can do and keep sparking Mobii emoticon emoticon

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JENAE954 11/23/2012 9:18PM

  Sorry you are having such tough times.
Sometimes it is almost impossible to continue with the positive attitude stuff.
There are some days when just slugging thru the day is the only accomplishment.
One thing we can all count on is that change is constant.
Hang in there. Change is a inevitable.

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Haven't fallen off the planet just yet!

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

*Waves* I am still here!
I haven't been doing too much for the last couple of weeks, I needed a little break from everything. I still do, but am managing the best I can with what I have to work with. I haven't been doing much in the way of exercise OR eating, my feet and ankles continue to be a painful problem, I did a 5k walk/jog on Oct 30, and another on Nov 6, and nothing in between or since.
I eliminated about half of my feet pains by loosening my shoelaces a bit...who the hell would have thought tight laces would hurt that bad?!?! Hoping that Santa has a new pair of shoes in his budget for me, I am thinking (hoping) that will help even more with my foot pain.

I slacked off on my eating as well...my mind just needed a break from what feels like endless meal planning, on top of trying to eat perfectly on a very tight budget.
I am thankful that my beau is able to get in to work now....now I am just praying that he get lots of sales done because he works commission only! One thing at a time though. We have been through the rough before and we can handle it again.

With all that has been going on and my focus being mainly on not flipping out, I have actually maintained my weight, pretty much, I have been bouncing 2 pounds back and forth, but its something I can live with for now.
I even got up the nerve to try on some of the other jeans that I have hanging in my closet, and while many of them are comfortable to wear standing up...I would not be able to sit in them for 8 hours at work. My muffin top is just still too much when I sit.
I am so frustrated with only having one pair of jeans that fit and was hoping that with losing 31 pounds, I would be able to get in to something smaller. I was in a size 26, but they were stretchy so I am guessing they are more like a 28, because the 24's are just not going to work if I want to sit.
I also noticed that while I have lost lots of inches, they seem to be coming off from my whole body evenly, which means I still have the shape that I hate...I will be working on my tummy and hips next.

So far, I have dropped 31 pounds, and my cholesterol is just about normal. Oh, and I also dropped 5 points off of my BMI....my next project is working on my tummy and core muscles....I think I slouch when I jog...I usually stop every 3/4 to 1 mile and have to touch my toes and let my back pop, it pops all the way from my tailbone to my shoulderblades!

I will be postponing my official 5k. Kind of a bummer, but there will be others. At least I know that I am ABLE go that far, whether it is with a big group of people or alone. Thinking about beginning my work towards my 10k that I want to be able to complete by springtime.


Peace to you and yours.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

POSITIVELY_EB 11/15/2012 2:40PM

    I sometimes tie my sneakers too tight - and yes! - it hurts like heck!!! Hope Santa brings those new ones for you!

HUGS!!!

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FEMISLIM 11/14/2012 11:06PM

    Lyn, you can do all things through Him. Just be on top of your game!

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NEWKATHYNOW 11/14/2012 10:36PM

    emoticon emoticon

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BUTTERFLY-1976 11/14/2012 1:35PM

    emoticon emoticon

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RICHILA 11/14/2012 12:09PM

    Spark On! We Got This! emoticon

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YESCURLYCAN 11/14/2012 2:05AM

  Sometimes a break is just what we need when there is a lot of stuff going on. Core exercises are great; plank, plank baby! I hope your beau will be able to get a good amount of sales calls and that santa can give you a new pair of shoes. The right pair of shoes is vital, trust me I know. Your time to shine in a 5K will happen and I am glad that you are sparking on! emoticon

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Recouping

Sunday, November 04, 2012

Finally...a break! My car got fixed today. I am so relieved and now recovering from this weekends panic attacks....make that about 6 weeks worth of panic attacks...

I made it to the drug store and got all my scripts and picked up a few things at the grocery store....way better than what we have been eating!

No exercise today, we spent several hours at the mechanic's and I forgot to grab my pears and peanut butter on my way out the door so I didn't have anything to eat until this afternoon, along with being a bit dehydrated from yesterday and this morning along with the panic, I had a killer headache by the time we got home, right along with a ton of muscle pain and the weird pains that I get occasionally that feels like my bones hurt.
I picked up a new filter for my water pitcher and have been trying to drink extra to get re-hydrated and flush out the extra sodium that I have had over the last couple of days.
I love my Zero Water pitcher, but when that filter is full...blech!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KAREN608 11/13/2012 5:40PM

    Isn't water the best!?
Glad things are getting back on track for you!!!

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GETSALONG 11/7/2012 9:41PM

  emoticon beep beep! so glad it's fixed!

(& cathcing up... taking care of yourself, real needs is not selfish, it's essential... no guilt! hugs :)

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POSITIVELY_EB 11/5/2012 8:04PM

    emoticon

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GOULDSGRANITE 11/5/2012 8:40AM

    So happy you got your car fixed. You are doing a good job of getting back on track! Love that Chinese food - hate all that sodium!!! emoticon

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TRAVELIN_FOOL 11/5/2012 6:18AM

    Glad you have your car back! I understand about the bone pain and panic attacks I get both. Have you ever had your thyroid tested? I have hypothyroidism and I get both panic attacks and bone pain when my medicine needs adjusted. Good Luck to you! I hope you have a great week!

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YESCURLYCAN 11/5/2012 2:10AM

  Glad that you have your car back and ugh you are so right a full filter emoticon Keep the spark! emoticon emoticon

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JENAE954 11/4/2012 9:21PM

  emoticon Having the car back in working order is a big relief for you.
Now you can have a stress less week.

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.DUSTY. 11/4/2012 9:03PM

    That's emoticon that you got your car back!

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SHOES17 11/4/2012 8:48PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon Drink up dear friend and wash away all the unhealthy poisons. You can do it keep pushing.







Comment edited on: 11/4/2012 8:48:56 PM

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BECKYSFRIEND 11/4/2012 8:39PM

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DLDROST 11/4/2012 8:36PM

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I can do this?

Saturday, November 03, 2012

Yes, for today, it is a question.

I went ahead and deleted my last blog because it was nothing but venting bordering on whining.
Suffice to say that I HATE being without a vehicle and I LOATHE being stuck! The car did not get fixed today and I sat around all day and waited for the mechanic to call...so I did not go jogging, I did not go for a walk, ate Ramen noodles (1600+ sodium), and have ordered Chinese food to be delivered for dinner.
Tomorrows plan is to wait until 10am to hear from the mechanic and if he blows me off again, I will go buy tools, a jack, and a jack stand and attempt to fix it myself. My son gets off work at 10 and he knows less about fixing cars than I do, but he has muscle that I don't.

Tomorrow is another day, I will either get exercise by working on the car all day, or the mechanic will be doing it and I will be going jogging afterwards. Either way, I will be able to get to the grocery store as well.

I will continue taking care of my beau, some days I have to take a step back and breathe...it is hard to take care of someone who is in a tremendous amount of pain 24/7, sometimes I have to remind myself that it is hard for him as well....not only does he have to live with it, but he ALWAYS goes jogging with me, the only two times he didn't go were because he was at work late. He always goes at my pace...which is nothing for him, he is a tiny bit overweight (although I think he looks perfect), but is one of those naturally fit and muscle-y people.

It is what it is and I can only do what I can do. Surely, tomorrow will be a better day and I can get back on track.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

POSITIVELY_EB 11/5/2012 8:03PM

    emoticon

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MSANITAL 11/4/2012 4:43PM

    Life has side tracks that is for sure your handling yours well
hope you where able to get a walk in
have a good week

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GOULDSGRANITE 11/4/2012 8:23AM

    Hope the car gets fixed today. One day at a time. emoticon emoticon

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UP2ME_CC 11/4/2012 7:17AM

    A perfect pair. A good man for a good woman. emoticon

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YESCURLYCAN 11/4/2012 2:01AM

  This is the right attitude for sure. This day is already done with, and out of your control. Focus on tomorrow and make it a good one. You have got this emoticon

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LADYPIXEL 11/4/2012 12:07AM

    Tomorrow will be a better day. Just keep moving forward and you will continue to improve! :)

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KATETK 11/3/2012 9:19PM

    emoticon emoticon YES! Tomorrow will be a better day.... plus you gain an hour!
Make one or two little goals and stick to them and see where it leads you. I had a better day today, not perfect like I would have liked, but better becasue I made two tiny goals and managed to accomplish three little ones instead of just the two.

Start small and your confidence will grow as you check them off your list. Good luck with the car and the jogging. Hang in there. emoticon

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So...Hello November!

Thursday, November 01, 2012

I am fairly pleased with how October turned out for me weight-wise...I dropped 6 pounds for the month, 4 of that 6 was in the last couple of days...since I just blogged about that particular event, I will just leave it be.

I ended up at 600 minutes of exercise for October, which makes another month with even less minutes, I started out with 767, then 619, and now 600. I am still hoping to move my count in the other direction with the cooler weather being in my favor...I don't sweat much and when I am trying to jog/walk out in the heat, I just broil myself.
I went out a few days ago when it was just 40 degrees out there, I wore a t-shirt instead of my usual tank top and it was WONDERFUL! Now, if my feet and ankles will cooperate!
I am also hoping that as I continue to lose weight, I will have less pain in my ankles and feet. I walked/jogged 5k the day before yesterday and could not have done anything other than come to work and go home yesterday.
I have been rice'ing my feet and that have improved but I still have a LOT of residual pain.

Its weird how my priorities have changed...I am not sure how the effect sits with me just yet...I feel VERY selfish since I started taking care of myself. I talk non stop about MY jogging, about MY 5k's, about MY pounds lost, about MY calories, etc...
In some ways, I worry that its taking over, not only my life, but my personality as well. Maybe not a bad thing, maybe not a good thing. I often wonder just how tired people are of hearing me go on and on about it. I mean, skinny people who were always skinny don't seem to do that.

Why is it that I feel the need to blab on about it? Why does it seem to take up most of my waking moments? I am a pretty organized person...I know exactly where my workout clothes are, I know that they are clean and that I have plenty of exercise socks, I know where my yoga band is that I use for stretching out, but I always feel like I have to find my hour a day to be able to get outdoors. I mean...I have the exact same 24 hours in a day that everyone else has, right?

And speaking of 24 hours...I dream about running as well, it started when I first set my goal of a HM in fall of 2013, and I think its the longest recurring dream I have ever had...its not always exactly the same, but its close. The biggest thing is that I am running and able to run pain free. In my dreams, it feels GOOD, and not just that glorious endorphin high that I look forward to now, lol! It strikes me as odd because when I am actually awake and jogging or walking, my pains are always in my feet and ankles, but in my dream, my focus is on just how good my thigh muscles are feeling to be working. Always, in the past, when my pain followed me into my dreams, I hurt in the same place in my dream.

So now my days are filled with fussing over eating too much, or not enough, meal planning, cooking and fretting over what food to bring to work for lunch, when and how long I am going to work out, getting out there and then fussing over my recovery time and how much pain I will or won't be in the next day, etc...

How the heck do people manage this and still have time for anything else?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

YESCURLYCAN 11/4/2012 2:07AM

  I agree with the other commenters here. This is a new habit that is replacing one that you have had for so many years; it takes time. While this new habit is replacing the old one, you will talk a lot about it, because you are making so many wonderful changes that are new to you. Doesn't everyone do that? A new mom with her new baby or a person with their new gadget and all the cool stuff it does. Mobii you are talking about your new life, and all the things your body can do emoticon and that my friend is emoticon Eventually you will get used to routine and see that you have the time you need. You got this! emoticon

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ESHERRILL3 11/2/2012 9:30AM

    Of course you're going to talk about it. Who doesn't want to share things that happen that are just plain fabulous? Yeah, skinny people don't talk about it all the time....but that's not really a good comparison. It's more like having kids....you know you talk about them all the time. You will run into the "haters"...those people who can't be happy for your success because your success makes their shortcomings more prominent. Just remember you're not doing it for them so their opinion doesn't matter.

It will get easier. We're having to learn what other people already know. Changing for the better takes a lot of deliberateness. Eating without thinking is what got me in this mess in the first place. The more I learn the easier it gets to make good choices and the more I do that the more it becomes a habit. You're in the right place and on the right track. emoticon on the 10%!!!!!!

Happy November!


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FEMISLIM 11/1/2012 7:40PM

    I guess, as with other things, it gets better with experience. I find myself talking about my new lifestyle and proudly so. People look at me as if I was a two-headed dragon or is it with envy? Well, I am proud of me so I talk about me. Keep going on strong!

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POSITIVELY_EB 11/1/2012 5:49PM

    You should find as you progress in your healthy lifestyle that things will become more habit and you won't have to think about them as much. I understand the "constantly thinking about it" feeling though! I STILL do that. Sometimes I think that's why I crash and burn. But I always get back up and move again!

Keep at it and be thankful that you have people to listen!

HUGS!

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