Sunday, September 16, 2012
Exercising should not be this difficult! I fell again tonight. In traffic no less, almost won the Darwin Award.
We decided to walk to the corner and get an ice cream....they were closed, so we walked a few blocks over to the smoothie place...they were closed too.
In crossing the main road to McD's, the light changed and Timothy had a hold of my hand while we were hurrying across, I couldn't keep up and lost my balance ended up flat on my stomach in the middle of the road with cars coming.
All I could see was headlights out of the corner of my eye and I knew my back or legs were going to get hit and I covered my head. Timothy got in between me and the car and half helped me up and half pulled me out of the way.
I got to the curb and started shaking and the third car in line stopped and asked if I was ok. I told them I was and Timothy noticed me bleeding from both of my hands. I lost skin on both palms right above the wrist, banged a rib, put a knot and yet another bruise on my left knee along with taking off one more layer of skin there. (I lost a layer the other day when I fell and twisted my ankle)
I am down 25 pounds now and my balance seems to be getting worse and worse. The only thing I can think of to do about it is to keep getting back up and keep going and hope my balance works itself out.
For too long, I have let my life and events drag me along the wrong path. At 310 pounds, I was having a hard time with everything. Moving around, shopping for more than 30 minutes, forget the mall, getting dressed was even a chore. Since I started eating better and began the c25k. I can walk 5k in an hour and am actually able to jog for very short intervals....Jogging! ME!?
I feel good when I eat good things.
I feel good when I jog.
I feel good when I walk.
I feel good when I do strength training.
***I*** am going to be the boss of me! I am going to tell my body what to eat and what it is going to do!
It may keep pushing me down...literally...but I make it get back up and continue doing what ***I*** say!
If I fail to get back up, then I have failed myself, and THAT is something that I refuse to do!
Thursday, September 13, 2012
I really don't know what else to add to this...a picture is worth a thousand...and in this case, most of them would make a sailor blush.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
For a few weeks now, all I have been doing is feeling wet.
I have always been overly sensitive and with that sometimes comes overly emotional.
Since starting on this journey, I have had countless panic attacks.
I have also had countless accomplishments as well.
I expect perfection from no one, including myself, but I do expect myself to strive for perfection.
An unattainable and unrealistic goal, no? The satisfaction (for me) comes in the trying. If I stop trying, stop learning, stop growing....what is the point?
When I began all of this, after the first few days, I felt so good again. I felt the rain, I enjoyed not only the highs, but the lows still brought a level of satisfaction. After so many years alone in my head, in the darkness of depression...I could FEEL again!
I hit a rough spot and was bombarded with one thing after another after another in a relatively short period of time and I lost track of the goodness of feeling things.
In other words, just feeling wet instead of feeling the rain, and I am missing it.
I am NOT going back to being that person who misses out, the martyr.
The other day, I met someone who I considered to have treated me quite rudely. He had his opinion of people in general, everyone is entitled to an opinion. My mistake was in letting his opinion cause me to question myself and my place in the universe.
I have come to realize that his opinion is just that...an opinion. Not gospel, and not how I view myself and not how those who love me see me.
I have bills...who doesn't?
I have a job, far too many do not.
I have enough (good) things to eat...entirely far too many do not.
I am getting healthier.
I do not have a car right now, but I have two working legs to take me where I need to be.
I have 4 great kids and 1 angelic grandbaby.
I have a good man who I am crazy about and who loves me no matter what.
I have a brother and two sisters who mean the world to me.
I have the willpower and the ability to....well, to do whatever I want!
I took this picture several weeks ago. I got up in the morning and when I looked outside, the sky was so high it was dizzying. It was so beautiful and I am thankful that I got to see it.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
I was planning on jogging tonight after work....I was supposed to start week 3 of my c25k...I got a surprise 2.25 mile walk instead.
My car is dead, not good considering that 3 people depend on it for work right now. Hoping it is just the battery. Timothy is walking to buy a new one and replace it right now. I have been so stressed over the last few weeks....I am trying to just remain disgusted instead.
Since I had on my work shoes and warmer clothes that I would have had on, my ankles and feet are killing me and I was wondering what heatstroke feels like towards the end there.
Trying to find the silver lining....
I mapped out my route after I got home and finally cooled down. I walked 2.25 mile in about 50 minutes...I guess thats not bad after about 5 hours of sleep last night (and the night before), working about 9.5 hours today, and having on the wrong shoes/exercise clothes.
I am very thankful that I wore my Sketcher Shape-Ups today though...I was contemplating wearing an off brand pair that I don't wear too often....they have sparkles on them, but are kinda uncomfortable. The Shape Ups need to be replaced, but like I said, it could have been worse.
I had to stop and call my beau...he was almost at the auto parts store and I noticed that the car keys were still here....he just came back and took off again.
Game plan for tomorrow if it doesn't work....I walk to work, my son walks to his work and my beau takes the bus. I can leave early and there shouldn't be too much traffic. Its a bit scary that there is no sidewalk and pretty much no shoulder on the road once I cross the main highway, I could tell the difference in my ankles on the bumpy grass.
At least there was is no excuse NOT to exercise when there isn't a choice, eh?
Monday, September 10, 2012
It has been a rough 3 weeks for me and I apologize for all the pity parties that I have posted on here. I am trying to work through all the other events going on in my life right now.
I am going to make a bigger effort to see the positives that are happening with my life.
My beau is there for me, every minute of every day, he is here and so far, he has not shrunken from the amount of tears on his shoulder....he gets extra brownie points for not running away either!
Even with all the stress and emotional meltdowns, I have not resorted to junk food and I have been active for 6/9 days so far this month. Jogging is getting somewhat physically easier, I am not sure if it will ever be EASY, per se, but I don't have anywhere near the amount of aches and pains that I did several weeks ago.
We finally had a cool front come through and it has me thinking about autumn, which is my absolute favorite time of year. Also, in October, one of my favorite tv shows will be back, I love AMC's 'Walking Dead'
I can't wait until Halloween, even though I have not seen a trick or treater in ages, I still love it.
I am taking my ankle and heel pain in stride and I have a doctor's appointment scheduled in a month and I am planning to ask him for help with my anxiety. Oh, and I decided to stop taking my Lipitor. Part of my decision comes from the fact that my cholesterol levels were just about normal when I had them checked last time and I had been off of it for a month...the other part is that I have less leg pains when I am not on it. I am also on a mission to take as few pills as possible. I am down to taking 1/2 of a pain pill in the morning along with 1 tylenol, and 1 naprosyn. In the evening, I take 1 pain pill.
I went grocery shopping yesterday and bought almost all healthy items, there was so much that I needed to stock up on. My son (who is 21) went with me and seems to be making a bit better choices in regards to eating healthier. He likes the quick and easy things to eat...who doesn't? But he does listen and we do compromise on what he gets. He lives in the next apartment building but eats most of his meals over here with us and is getting used to healthier food.
He asked about getting a pack of Oreos this week and I let him get them and reiterated portion size to him and we work on nutrition labels and what foods go into what categories...protein, carb, etc, and how much of each he should have a day. When he balks about not having a junky food, I tell him that he CAN have it, but he needs to watch the portion size and make it a treat, not a daily indulgence. I don't want to restrict him totally away from treats and such because I don't want him to end up on a binge.
My son and my beau have come to a solution to our room mate issue. As of the first of October, my son will be moving into our spare room and the room mate will be moving into his apartment. Since she has 2 kids on weekends, and a storage locker full of stuff, she needs more room. We will still help her out (a little bit) with rent and such, but only until December, after that, she is on her own...she is our age and should be able to get her act together by then. With my son here, it will help with my anxiety because I can deal better with having one of my children here vs. someone who is not related.
It will also help because I just don't think he is ready to take care of himself. His apartment is a wreck and I usually have to call and make sure he is up and showered for work. I will also be able to help him eat better and since he will be able to save up some money, he can get a membership at the gym with us soon. He likes going to the pool with us, but at $10.00 per session for a non member, it doesn't happen too often with as tight as money is lately. Right now, the pool is closed for resurfacing anyways so that gives him some time.
I have decided to just relax a bit at work, I will do the little bit of paperwork and such that I have been assigned to do and if they want me to do more, they will tell me, if they decide that I am no longer needed, well, there is really nothing that I can do about it and lets face it....I was looking for a job when I got that one. I thought I could get get some extra hours by cleaning up and sweeping and mopping on the weekends, but they hired someone to come in every 2 weeks...although if she thinks that it was bad in the 6 days it was let go from the last time that I did it, she will be in for a surprise with it going for 2 weeks. But thats how often she thinks it needs to be done, and I am taking the hint that they do not want me doing it, so I am not worrying about it any more.
I really appreciate all the feedback on my blogs, comments, and goodies that everyone has sent. They are much appreciated!
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