Thursday, September 13, 2012
I really don't know what else to add to this...a picture is worth a thousand...and in this case, most of them would make a sailor blush.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
For a few weeks now, all I have been doing is feeling wet.
I have always been overly sensitive and with that sometimes comes overly emotional.
Since starting on this journey, I have had countless panic attacks.
I have also had countless accomplishments as well.
I expect perfection from no one, including myself, but I do expect myself to strive for perfection.
An unattainable and unrealistic goal, no? The satisfaction (for me) comes in the trying. If I stop trying, stop learning, stop growing....what is the point?
When I began all of this, after the first few days, I felt so good again. I felt the rain, I enjoyed not only the highs, but the lows still brought a level of satisfaction. After so many years alone in my head, in the darkness of depression...I could FEEL again!
I hit a rough spot and was bombarded with one thing after another after another in a relatively short period of time and I lost track of the goodness of feeling things.
In other words, just feeling wet instead of feeling the rain, and I am missing it.
I am NOT going back to being that person who misses out, the martyr.
The other day, I met someone who I considered to have treated me quite rudely. He had his opinion of people in general, everyone is entitled to an opinion. My mistake was in letting his opinion cause me to question myself and my place in the universe.
I have come to realize that his opinion is just that...an opinion. Not gospel, and not how I view myself and not how those who love me see me.
I have bills...who doesn't?
I have a job, far too many do not.
I have enough (good) things to eat...entirely far too many do not.
I am getting healthier.
I do not have a car right now, but I have two working legs to take me where I need to be.
I have 4 great kids and 1 angelic grandbaby.
I have a good man who I am crazy about and who loves me no matter what.
I have a brother and two sisters who mean the world to me.
I have the willpower and the ability to....well, to do whatever I want!
I took this picture several weeks ago. I got up in the morning and when I looked outside, the sky was so high it was dizzying. It was so beautiful and I am thankful that I got to see it.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
I was planning on jogging tonight after work....I was supposed to start week 3 of my c25k...I got a surprise 2.25 mile walk instead.
My car is dead, not good considering that 3 people depend on it for work right now. Hoping it is just the battery. Timothy is walking to buy a new one and replace it right now. I have been so stressed over the last few weeks....I am trying to just remain disgusted instead.
Since I had on my work shoes and warmer clothes that I would have had on, my ankles and feet are killing me and I was wondering what heatstroke feels like towards the end there.
Trying to find the silver lining....
I mapped out my route after I got home and finally cooled down. I walked 2.25 mile in about 50 minutes...I guess thats not bad after about 5 hours of sleep last night (and the night before), working about 9.5 hours today, and having on the wrong shoes/exercise clothes.
I am very thankful that I wore my Sketcher Shape-Ups today though...I was contemplating wearing an off brand pair that I don't wear too often....they have sparkles on them, but are kinda uncomfortable. The Shape Ups need to be replaced, but like I said, it could have been worse.
I had to stop and call my beau...he was almost at the auto parts store and I noticed that the car keys were still here....he just came back and took off again.
Game plan for tomorrow if it doesn't work....I walk to work, my son walks to his work and my beau takes the bus. I can leave early and there shouldn't be too much traffic. Its a bit scary that there is no sidewalk and pretty much no shoulder on the road once I cross the main highway, I could tell the difference in my ankles on the bumpy grass.
At least there was is no excuse NOT to exercise when there isn't a choice, eh?
Monday, September 10, 2012
It has been a rough 3 weeks for me and I apologize for all the pity parties that I have posted on here. I am trying to work through all the other events going on in my life right now.
I am going to make a bigger effort to see the positives that are happening with my life.
My beau is there for me, every minute of every day, he is here and so far, he has not shrunken from the amount of tears on his shoulder....he gets extra brownie points for not running away either!
Even with all the stress and emotional meltdowns, I have not resorted to junk food and I have been active for 6/9 days so far this month. Jogging is getting somewhat physically easier, I am not sure if it will ever be EASY, per se, but I don't have anywhere near the amount of aches and pains that I did several weeks ago.
We finally had a cool front come through and it has me thinking about autumn, which is my absolute favorite time of year. Also, in October, one of my favorite tv shows will be back, I love AMC's 'Walking Dead'
I can't wait until Halloween, even though I have not seen a trick or treater in ages, I still love it.
I am taking my ankle and heel pain in stride and I have a doctor's appointment scheduled in a month and I am planning to ask him for help with my anxiety. Oh, and I decided to stop taking my Lipitor. Part of my decision comes from the fact that my cholesterol levels were just about normal when I had them checked last time and I had been off of it for a month...the other part is that I have less leg pains when I am not on it. I am also on a mission to take as few pills as possible. I am down to taking 1/2 of a pain pill in the morning along with 1 tylenol, and 1 naprosyn. In the evening, I take 1 pain pill.
I went grocery shopping yesterday and bought almost all healthy items, there was so much that I needed to stock up on. My son (who is 21) went with me and seems to be making a bit better choices in regards to eating healthier. He likes the quick and easy things to eat...who doesn't? But he does listen and we do compromise on what he gets. He lives in the next apartment building but eats most of his meals over here with us and is getting used to healthier food.
He asked about getting a pack of Oreos this week and I let him get them and reiterated portion size to him and we work on nutrition labels and what foods go into what categories...protein, carb, etc, and how much of each he should have a day. When he balks about not having a junky food, I tell him that he CAN have it, but he needs to watch the portion size and make it a treat, not a daily indulgence. I don't want to restrict him totally away from treats and such because I don't want him to end up on a binge.
My son and my beau have come to a solution to our room mate issue. As of the first of October, my son will be moving into our spare room and the room mate will be moving into his apartment. Since she has 2 kids on weekends, and a storage locker full of stuff, she needs more room. We will still help her out (a little bit) with rent and such, but only until December, after that, she is on her own...she is our age and should be able to get her act together by then. With my son here, it will help with my anxiety because I can deal better with having one of my children here vs. someone who is not related.
It will also help because I just don't think he is ready to take care of himself. His apartment is a wreck and I usually have to call and make sure he is up and showered for work. I will also be able to help him eat better and since he will be able to save up some money, he can get a membership at the gym with us soon. He likes going to the pool with us, but at $10.00 per session for a non member, it doesn't happen too often with as tight as money is lately. Right now, the pool is closed for resurfacing anyways so that gives him some time.
I have decided to just relax a bit at work, I will do the little bit of paperwork and such that I have been assigned to do and if they want me to do more, they will tell me, if they decide that I am no longer needed, well, there is really nothing that I can do about it and lets face it....I was looking for a job when I got that one. I thought I could get get some extra hours by cleaning up and sweeping and mopping on the weekends, but they hired someone to come in every 2 weeks...although if she thinks that it was bad in the 6 days it was let go from the last time that I did it, she will be in for a surprise with it going for 2 weeks. But thats how often she thinks it needs to be done, and I am taking the hint that they do not want me doing it, so I am not worrying about it any more.
I really appreciate all the feedback on my blogs, comments, and goodies that everyone has sent. They are much appreciated!
Friday, September 07, 2012
Apologies in advance....its another lengthy blog.
Another of THOSE days for me. It started out bad and it was one thing after another after another after....well, you get the idea!
Started off with a panic attack which was either accompanied by, or turned into an asthma episode, which turned into crappy breathing all day because I was upset all day.
A long day at work during which I found out that one of my uncles passed away yesterday/last night. I am still not clear on the details. I know he had cancer but I thought he went into remission awhile back.
He was actually a cousin-in-law of my dad's, but we all referred to him as uncle. He and his wife (dads cousin) always hosted the family reunion when we were growing up. I haven't seen him in ages, not only because that part of the family was extended family who lived in another state, but also because I live across the country now. The last time I saw any of the extended family was at my dad's funeral almost 7 years ago.
Sorry, my concentration has been terrible today....back on track.
His passing brought back so many memories from when I was growing up, going to the family reunion once a year was a HUGE deal for us! An entire weekend of controlled chaos, I would say that between adults and kids, it was probably in the neighborhood of a 100 or so people. Our family is so fun, all the kids bedded down in the basement, we would stay up and tell ghost stories, trying to scare the pants off each other. We would have to go upstairs to use the bathroom and the adults were usually up there doing their thing, everyone laughing and joking and a good bit of singing. We have several excellent singers in the family....I just don't happen to be one of them, lol!
We got goodies that we usually didn't get any other time...my dad was a single parent and while we always had what we needed....wants were another story. At the reunions, there was always pretzels, chips, soda, and dad would even get a pack of the little boxes of cereal for us for breakfast for the weekends....
Off track again.
My uncle Tom is at peace and I hope that peace will find my cousins and all of my family soon.
Things just got better and better at work (yep, that was sarcasm). I had an entire day of....you guessed it....still NOTHING to do at work. The only thing that I have been doing so far with the new company is sorting a bit of paperwork and putting it in folders to be taken to the main office. Myself and the lady at one of the other locations that was bought out went from being admin assistants to having a nice generic label of 'the secretary'. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful to have a job and a paycheck, but I hate going to work (or anywhere for that matter) and not knowing what I am supposed to be doing, not contributing at all. Firstly, because I hate feeling useless....and secondly, because I feel like dead weight to the company, which scares me because dead weight gets the boot rather quickly.
I sat in the dispatch office all day today and read on my nook, played on my phone, and picked up the phone to help the dispatcher out....supposedly. Anyone who calls wants the dispatcher, not me who is unable to answer any of the questions because I do not work directly with the concrete, or the drivers, or the trucks, or the scheduling....I was doing payroll and employee scheduling before! So I answered the phones and turned my head and said 'James, line 1 holding for you...James, line two, etc...'
Everyone there is very laid back, everyone pokes fun at everyone and there is usually a good deal of cussing going on. When the sales manager got back from taking paperwork to the main office, he asked me how many locking cash bags I have on hand, I went to check and on the way back, I saw that my water, phone, and nook were in the main reception area. I asked him why he put my stuff out there and he smarted off to me.
Normally, it wouldn't bother me and I would have come back with a choice word or two for him....not so much today. I walked out and closed the door firmly behind me, grabbed my stuff and went into my office and shoved the door shut. I was even more upset because I over reacted and when he came in a few minutes later asking why I was slamming things around (my door is NEVER closed, but I had enough today), I have no clue what my face looked like because he apologized up one side and down the other and I busted out crying.
I HATE crying at work! He closed my door behind him and asked what was wrong....he always drags it out of me when I am upset. So I let him have it. None of it is work related, but he asked for it.
A lot of the panic is coming from the fact that we are late on our bills this month, which I also blabbed out to him. Then he asked me what the date was and I told him and in between gasping for air, asked if I was getting a raise in a week because it is 1 year since my 'official' hire date with the company that was just bought out.
Real nice. Here I am, not doing a damn thing that is productive, boohoo-ing my personal crap at work, slamming doors, crying like a little girl with a skinned knee....and asking for a raise. I am embarrassed of how I acted and over-reacted and wouldn't be surprised at all if I was shown the other side of the door.
To top it all off...when I get upset, aka crying, I usually don't eat. I ate pretty poorly today, my choices were good, but I am most likely pretty far below my minimum cals.
So, no eating, no exercise, no nothing except for waiting for my pain pill to kick in so I can go sleep and not have to deal with anything else today.
If anyone has read this far, thank you for hanging in there and I apologize for what feels like a pity party, but if I don't get it out, I feel like I will explode.
I promise I will get back to my normal self soon.
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