Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Holy hell, it's Wednesday already and I haven't blogged yet this week! One of my goals is to write 3x a week because I think it helps me with some of my emotional anxiety.
Lets see...its been an up and down week, I did pretty good over the weekend and had a pretty good amount of energy until Monday, then forgot to take my pain meds Monday evening and slept horribly. Tuesday was terrible, I forgot how bad that 'start-of-diet' crash is for me! That, combined with being dragon-ass tired and in pain...well, I am sure I was a peach to be around!
I give myself a +1 for not giving in yesterday though. I didn't have energy to get much (anything) done, I didn't even do any housework, but on the way home, I was so hungry and pulled into McD's. I sat in the drivethru for a minute, thankfully there were two cars ahead of me, I was SO planning on a cheeseburger, but I told myself that if I didn't get the greasy burger, that I could pop a sandwich together when I got home and would even allow myself some baked Dorito's.
So I left and had a half sandwich and the baked Doritos and I'm proud of me! I told my beau about it when he got home and he gave me lots of hugs and told me what a good job I did. I love him so much!
Remembered to take my meds last night and woke up early today feeling really good, I even got out of bed early, when usually I would have laid there until I HAD to get up to get ready for work. So, I got up early and showered, get everything ready for work and got here a bit earlier. I could feel my energy level still climbing and am SO glad that today was an easy paperwork day for me because I don't think that I could have stayed at my desk!
My beau works next door and if its raining (I'm in S. Louisiana, so we are getting a lot of storms), or if I am feeling bad, I drive over. Today I walked.
By the time I got back from lunch I had already devised a plan to get some walking time in....since my energy seems to peak at mid-day, when I got back, I set the stopwatch on my phone and made a few loops from my office to the breakroom...its really not that far, but every time I got up, I made a loop. Then I took out the trash from the 2 cans in the breakroom, the front office my office and my washroom...all one bag at a time, LOL
I must have looked like a nut running from one trash can to the dumpster outside and back again! Good thing everyone pretty much stays tucked into their own offices!
Oh, I also walked around the building to put stuff in the mail instead of cutting through the building!
By the time I got all that done, I had walked 15 minutes!
I was really glad to sit down though because I felt like I had a rock in my lower back, but I am proud of myself!
Monday, June 18, 2012
The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, answered
“Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health.
And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”
I heard this several months ago while watching a yoga documentary and it really hit home. Something keeps reminding me of this every so often.
I used to enjoy the small things in life, camping, walking or riding my bike on the miles of trails in the state park near where I grew up, hell, just sitting outside under a tree on a nice day or watching a thunderstorm moving in.
Little by little, I lost all those little enjoyments, there just never seemed to be time because I always think that if I am not out making money, if I am not working my ass off, not being productive or helping someone, then I must not be worth anything.
The worst part is that even though I AM doing all those things, I let my weight, health, and enjoyment sit by the wayside until I am to the place I am in now.
I am overweight, in constant pain, fighting depression, refuse to look at myself in a mirror, cry when I have to go clothes shopping, and try to argue with my self esteem daily.
I had to force myself to leave work today, I was basically done and all the little things that I have to file really could wait until tomorrow. My first thought was "Oh good, I will have time to go home and get in 10 minutes of exercise." Which was quickly followed by "I should stay and get it all done, I should have my desk cleared of everything before I go home, if I stay and work extra today, I can MAYBE come up with a spare 20 minutes tomorrow for exercising....because if I don't get it done today , I will only have worked 8 hours instead of 9 or even more and if I work more, I will make more money....blah blah blah."
Then the Dalai Lama spoke up in my head and I just pulled my crap together and left for the day.
I am happy to say that I made it home, walked for 8 minutes on my glider, rolled around on the yoga ball for 2 minutes, did 1 minute of cat-cows, and 3 serpent pose stretches afterwards.
My legs are kinda jelly but I did it and I'm glad.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Some days I do well just to get out of bed and off to work, but dare I set a long term goal of running?
My first milestone is putting my shoes on without having to use my pantleg to pull my foot up to where I can reach it.
I think I did ok this week with my nutrition, kinda blew it today with eating actual eggs instead of just whites. It wasn't so much the calories as it was the cholesterol. I don't normally eat the yolks since the last diet was on about a year and a half ago. I would occasionally give in and eat a yolk or two because I like them.
Funny thing is that when I was younger, I remember NOT liking them and clearly remember on Easter, mom telling me that if I did not eat the entire egg, then I couldn't have any more Easter eggs.
On the days that I cook for just me and my beau, I still have a hard time cooking just for two, then the tasting while cooking, then the compulsion to 'clean my plate', and finally my weird thing of not liking leftovers (with very few exceptions). Generally leftovers in my fridge never get eaten and eventually thrown away....wasted.
So this week, I have been trying to cook according to how many people are eating, as well as eating healthier. Sometimes its difficult with working full time and then having to deal with supper in the evenings. Sometimes the room mate will cook, but she usually sticks with cheaper cuts of meat and heavy carbs. I did manage to survive my latest guilt attack of us seeing what she made for dinner the other night and deciding to go out for something healthier.
We ended up having some very expensive and VERY awesome tuna at a local hibachi restaurant...the chef put on a good show as well!
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Day 3, no junk eaten this day...kill count still at 0. I am proud of myself.
Its hard with the room mate having junk food around all the time and picking up my son from his job at BK today was almost a nightmare. Just driving past the fast food places felt like a punishment.
I also walked a little on my glider this evening, I was aiming for 10 minutes and came up short when my breathing started acting up again. I am just hoping to improve on the minutes I am able to walk each day and console myself with the fact that 6 minutes is better than no minutes.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Thoughts buzz through my head at the speed of light some days.
I often wonder how I could have let myself come to this point, I'm only 40 after all...then again, I was wondering the same thing a couple years ago too.
I was able to get myself on track and lose 52 pounds and then started having troubles with my gallbladder, I thought it very odd because my diet was healthy. Turns out almost everyone in my family has had their gallbladder taken out!
Since the surgery, there is no way that I can go back to the diet plan that I was on....my poor digestive system can't handle it now
Genetics aren't always so awesome I ended up putting all the weight back on plus a few extra pounds and a couple more health problems to boot.
I try to make healthy (healthier) choices in what I eat, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't work so well.
I realize that I am the type of person who needs a lots of emotional support....and sometimes I just need a swift kick in the behind! My beau is great at the former...not so much at the latter.
But he is all mine and I am all his, and I just love him to pieces!
I am looking forward to both giving and receiving support, and so far I love being able to log my meals without having to carry around a notebook!
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