Pity party, bootstraps, and balloons!

Friday, May 17, 2013

I want a pity party SO bad today! I still have quite a bit of pain in my feet...new shoes or not. I will admit that it has gradually gotten better while at work, I am no longer running to the bathroom just for a chance to get off my feet for a few seconds and then do a few stretches on the bathroom floor...pitiful and kinda gross, but at least the floor in there is clean, its just the thought of it!

Then there are days like today....I am on fire from the middle of my back down to my toes. My skin, muscles, and joints all hurt. I heard my knees creaking when I came up the stairs this morning and that was BEFORE I put my hearing aids in!
I finally gave up and took some pain meds along with some pepto, because the constant pill popping is tearing up my stomach. My insurance kicks in in 1 month but I think that the only thing that is going to help me feel better is going to be losing more weight. When I think about it, it just frustrates me because I lose so slowly, so if that IS the answer, then it is going to be a long time before I am back to being mostly pain free.

*LeSigh*

Anyways, enough with the pity party! Time to pull my butt up by my bootstraps and get my attention on the good part.

I have been weighing myself more often, about every other day, and seem to have bid farewell to the 280's for good! My weight has been ranging between 276 and 279.

My beau and I have also figured out a budget that we can both live with. I took a huge cut in pay (by half) when I changed jobs when we moved and it has been stressing me out to no end. My sister has been doing all the grocery shopping and we got back into the old bad habits, but with the budget we came up with, we can afford to get our usual healthy stuff for breakfast and lunches and compromise on supper by adding salads. Also the nights that I buy/cook supper, I cook healthier (for the most part), and when I do buy the proteins for supper, I stick with turkey items, pork tenderloin instead of chops and cutting back again on the red meat.

I also had a nice surprise yesterday evening after work...when I changed my clothes I put on some shorty-pants (I forget what the style is called, but they only come to between the knee and ankle), I found a pair that were just flat out too big! Too big as in "Do these look like I am wearing a balloon? Because that's what they feel like!"

That's the first article of clothing that I put into the donate pile because of size!

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The Tortoise and the Hare.

Wednesday, May 08, 2013

This has always been one of my favorite fables.
childhoodreading.com/?p=3

I often have to remind myself that being slow is sometimes a good thing. The last time I tried a 'diet' it was expensive, it was frustrating, it was time consuming, and it worked....and from the moment I relaxed and tried to eat a 'normal' diet, I gained all 52 pounds back along with several extras.

With Spark, I have made healthier and much wiser choices. I learned that I don't have to 'diet' and I learned that my body will heal itself with the right tools. Good food, exercise, support, and even a shoulder to cry on once in awhile are the tools that work for me.

I have found that fine line between having a healthy diet and fighting nature's caveman urge to hang on to calories in case of lean times. Not to mention being a female of our species...women are just made to have a bit more body fat than men...due to all that baby making business!

All last summer while I was out walking/jogging and working so hard...I only lost a pound a week. Since December, I have been pretty much unable (for one reason or another) to get out and walk/jog.
I still miss it and look forward to getting back out there, especially with the gorgeous springtime weather we are having but for now, work has been giving me all the exercise that I can handle until I get used to being on my feet for hours at a time.

Before I moved back home to Illinois, I weighed myself daily. Since the move, I have only weighed a few times and I had put on about 7 pounds. During my infrequent weigh-ins, I finally saw the weight come back off.
A week ago, I weighed in at my pre-move weight of 278 and within 5 days, I lost 2 more pounds...the ONLY time I lose more than a pound a week is the first couple weeks of a major change in my diet! I think I got on and off of the scale 12 times and even moved the scale to a different place every time!

Although I get frustrated that I am not losing or losing very slowly, sometimes my brain actually kicks in and I remember that losing (however slowly), or even just maintaining is still an accomplishment!

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The SHOES!!!!!!!

Monday, April 15, 2013

(Yes, my title is a vague I.T. Crowd reference! *giggles*)
Am I going to let my aches and pains continue to get the better of me? Not a chance!

I know I have been scarce (ok, pretty much non existent) lately, and I offer my apologies. Not only to you, but to myself as well.
Since starting my new job in retail, I have given in and let my new pain levels dictate my days. My previous job was nothing but sitting on my butt...for the last few years, and now I am on my feet.
After my first day at my new job, I was back on my pain killers at night. I hate taking them, I hate the drugged up feeling and the hung over feeling that lasts well into the next day.
I finally let my beau talk me into buying new (expensive) shoes. Shopping for clothing of any sort is pretty stressful for me. I have a hard time dealing with it and I get upset and frustrated very easily. Except for socks...I LOVE sock shopping, but, more on that later!

We hit The Walking Company in the mall and I was VERY impressed with the lady that worked there...I was also very disturbed by the scans that she took of my feet. My right arch is pretty flat...if not already fallen.

After some lengthy Q&A about my aches, pains, job, wants, and needs...she brought out around 10 pairs of shoes for me, along with a few different insoles. I had NO idea that the insoles that came in shoes were actually removable! Even in my jogging shoes! She explained that no, it was not 'just the bottom of the shoe', but that on 'good' shoes, they were replaceable.

I (as usual), was trying to talk my body in to the cheaper shoes....I was desperately trying to stick with the 100.00 range, but finally settled on the more expensive pair. When I tried them on, I felt NO pain in my feet, knees, hips, or back! My beau said that phrase has only come out of my mouth once in a blue moon.
The problem is always that EVERY new shoe feels good to me for the first hour or so...the saleslady told me to try them out and if they didn't work out, I could bring them back.

I got a little defensive about my jogging shoes too...she kept telling me that I wouldn't have to resort to wearing them...when in fact, I LOVE them! I just cannot wear them to work because they don't fit the dress code...not to mention that they don't really work for standing vs. jogging.
She was also picking on my socks...I happen to LOVE socks. Nice fluffy cotton socks are my favorites and she had nothing nice to say about cotton! Don't get me wrong, I KNOW that they don't wick away moisture, but my socks are very much a comfort item for me. I get as excited about buying new socks as my sister gets when she goes to buy a new Coach purse! I finally got her off the subject of socks by telling her that I have non-cotton socks at home...which I do...I just don't wear them very often!

I swear, she only had to pull a *little* bit to get my debit card out of my hand. All in all, it came to a little over 150.00. *leSigh*

I wore them to work the next day and after a couple hours...the only thing that really bothered me was my pinkie toes....the bottoms were fantastic but the tops were too rigid and I finally had to put on my old shoes to finish out the night.
We took them back to the store the next day and I finally found a pair that seems to do the trick for me. I got this pair of Dansko Veda's



Because they are awesomely cute and I cannot wear them to work, lol, AND I got close to the same pair in solid black but with no laces, just for work....for only five bucks more! They are perfect because the bottoms are the same as the first ones and the tops are all canvas, so there is room for my pinkie toes too!

Its still more than I like to spend, but I can deal with the fact that I got 2 pairs for the same price as one.
Funny thing is that I didn't mind spending over 100.00 on jogging shoes, but when it came to something that I was going to be wearing for the better part of the day, my fingers seized up on the debit card.

Now that I have had shoes that work FOR ME for a few days now...I am feeling MUCH better and didn't even need a pain pill last night after a full 8 hour shift!

Today's lesson...be good to yourself, no matter what. You're worth it!

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Finding the balance

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

I started out last summer like gangbusters, I worked hard and eventually got my walking/jogging up to a point that I was doing it almost daily, I was feeling better in general and starting to see a few changes in my body. After the first few days of feeling blah, I got my first big burst of energy which evened out after a few days, and I noticed a slow upward level of energy in my day to day activities.

I didn't pay much attention to the fact that after I would zip through as much as I could possibly do during the week, I would spend most of the day on Sundays sitting on the couch. Most of the time I would be sleeping or dozing on and off, only getting up for necessities.

I felt selfish all of the time. All my beau heard for months on end was MY weight, MY diet, MY exercise, MY aches and pains, ALL about walking and jogging ALL of the time, MY worries that I wasn't working hard enough to meet MY goals. I knew what I sounded like but was unable to stop myself. I felt like if I wasn't ALL about ME, then I was going to fail.
My beau is very supportive and constantly reassured me that I was NOT being selfish.

For me, excessive sleeping is a major signal that my depression is not being kept in check. I was so focused on my outside, I wasn't paying enough attention to my inside. I emotionally exhausted myself which made me be harder on myself physically because I was determined to win some imaginary war with myself.

Then right at the beginning of December, I got sick. It went from what I thought was an allergy attack to the flu that went around....then I thought it was the plague for sure...then I was positive I was going to die.
All in all, I was sick for about 4 weeks and another 2 weeks after that I was just drained of energy. I tried to get out and walk a couple of times but had cut the walks short. Then we made the decision to move and I was busy making all the preparations for that.

All in all, I have been off of my gangbuster routine for about 4 months now. Lets see where it has gotten me....(both being on routine and off)

Don't forget to live life. After all, you are doing this so you CAN live life, right?

My body WILL heal itself if I give it the tools to do so. Good food, plenty of water and exercise.

I don't have to burn my candle at both ends to get things done. I will take time to appreciate all that is around me.

Since I started on my new path, I have been one of those who weigh myself daily, in the mornings. I do NOT let it set my mood for the day, and while I may get frustrated that I don't see the nice, big losses that some people do, I have gotten to where I appreciate those 1 pound losses.
It has also taught me that my weight WILL NOT be the same each day, even if my diet and portions are exactly the same. We are just not built like that.
I started at 310 in June 2012, and hit my current low of 278 in December.
Since then, I have watched my weight bounce daily between 278 and 285. DAILY.
The fluctuation doesn't bother me. For right now, that is my range until I start losing again.

I KNOW what I need to do to lose and what I need to do to maintain. Most of my eating habits have held on. I don't consider myself 'On a diet'. This IS my diet, this is what I eat/drink on a daily basis. When I am thirsty, I automatically reach for water but I don't beat myself up for having the occasional second cup of coffee made just how I like it!

I have been able to get out for a walk here and there and my new job requires me to be on my feet for my entire shift. Right now, my feet are not too terribly happy with that fact, but my mind is. I am happier in the fact that I hurt when I get home because I was using my body instead of sitting on my butt for 8-ish hours a day.

It feels good to look down and see that I automatically filled my dinner plate halfway up with salad!

Life is a balancing act, I will give myself time to find the balance and won't fret too much if I stumble. I only fail when I stop getting back up.

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A job! Finally!

Monday, March 18, 2013

My stress has been through the roof since we moved. I LOATHE not working! I am even horrible to be around during the holidays if I get a few extra days off of work...I just don't know what to do with myself. I start losing track of what date/date it is and it just bugs the heck out of me!

My last day at work before we moved was on Feb 26 and we arrived here on the 28th. We relocated to Illinois and I started filling out applications on March 8th. It takes FOREVER to fill out applications! Trolling the internet looking for appropriate positions and then each app takes between 60-90 minutes because you have to do that personality test on every single one of them!

I have put in around 30 applications and only had two interviews, one last week and one today. The one last week said I might get a call for a second interview this week.

After my interview today and after talking things over with my beau, I decided that I would only take this job if nothing else came up this week, they only offered minimum wage and wouldn't even commit to 20 hours per week. A couple hours later, I got a phone call from the place that I interviewed with last week to offer me the position, no second interview or anything! *AND* they offered 32-40 hours a week and me insurance too!

I also get a bonus shopping trip out of the deal....they have a bit of a dress code, nothing major, she said I can wear tennis shoes, but they have to be solid black, brown, or white....my tennies are anything BUT those colors, haha! I will also need some lightweight, long sleeved blouses because I have a tattoo on my arm....and they don't want any visible tats.
I start Wednesday, I'm so excited!

On the health front, not too much happening. I am pretty sure that I have put on a couple of pounds since coming back home, but in all honesty, I expected that to happen. There is just so much food in Chicago that I grew up eating that is in no way available in Louisiana! I think I have done pretty good though. The first Chi hot dog that I had when I got back here...OMG! I took a bite and immediately thought "I could eat 3 of these!" But I ate slow and gave my stomach time to talk to my head and it worked! I was full by the time I was done with one single hot dog and small fries.
We have been out walking a couple of times and my knees have been crazy swollen for a whole week so we haven't been back out yet. I have been getting a bit of unintentional exercise tho...our room is downstairs in the basement so I am up and down a dozen stairs about a dozen times a day! I am hoping it will do wonders for my butt!

Some time this week I plan to get my yoga ball inflated, partly so I can use it and partly because my 4 year old nephew will flip his lid, lol! I am also thinking about getting the DDP Yoga DVD to follow along with...maybe with my first check!
We have money in the bank that we have been living off of, but I will feel SO much better when I have income again!

Now that things are a bit more relaxed that I am not spending all my time online looking for a job, I can spend more time online at Sparkpeople! Yay!

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