_COSMOPAULATAN_   19,564
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_COSMOPAULATAN_'s Recent Blog Entries

Approaching the Finish Line

Sunday, November 16, 2014

I've been in school for the last 98 weeks. I have 4 weeks until I finish my last class and graduate with my Masters in Organizational Leadership. What an unbelievable journey it has been. Let's recap.

emoticon I've been able to maintain a 4.0 GPA while working full time. Miracle.

emoticon I've lost, and maintained the loss of, 20 pounds since July 2014.

emoticon Due to ongoing therapy over the past two years, I've been declared in partial remission with my eating disorder. Yay!

emoticon I sold my townhome and bought the cutest house on the planet last year.

emoticon I came into a totally unexpected inheritance. This amount was just enough to allow me to pay off all of my student loans so I can graduate debt free. Thank you Grandma E.

emoticon I met someone. I am happy and content and completely sure of this connection.

emoticon I am looking forward to having more time so I can cultivate the life I want to be living, at a slower, more appreciative pace.

I am so blessed. 2015 is mine.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

-CORAL- 11/20/2014 2:46PM

    What a fantastic blog to read. You've had an amazing year! Wishing you all the best and continued happiness. Congrats on all you've accomplished!

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CAROKNITS 11/19/2014 9:34PM

    wow ... The journey to the Masters degree is almost done. Perseverance for the win!

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MPLSKEN 11/18/2014 12:18AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KRISKECK 11/17/2014 3:24PM

    Paula, I am so happy for you. Just. So. Happy. You deserve all of this and more. Wonderful.

Kristin

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TAYGRL 11/17/2014 12:10PM

    Best blog I've read in a while!

emoticon

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BRAINYBLONDE5 11/17/2014 11:46AM

  eeeeek so incredible!!!

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4EVERADONEGIRL 11/17/2014 11:32AM

    So glad to see all you have been able to accomplish and that you are ready to tackle 2015! AWESOME!!!

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SHEILA1505 11/17/2014 2:53AM

    So glad to see you content - and on your way to a fantastic 2015.
Congrats on all the achievements

What a huge relief to be free of Student Loans now

Hugs
xx

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PJH2028 11/16/2014 3:08PM

    I am dancing a happy dance of kudos and hoorays
You Are All the Things You Are

beautiful

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JEREMY723 11/16/2014 1:05PM

    Congrats and enjoy!

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BRIAEL 11/16/2014 12:10PM

    So thrilled for you, Paula. Congratulations on all of those achievements, you've really worked hard and now it's time to enjoy the fruits of your labor. :)

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MINDY_SUE 11/16/2014 11:24AM

  Many congrats on the 4.0 - way to go!

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MT-MOONCHASER 11/16/2014 11:24AM

    What a marvelous year you've had with all its disappointments AND triumphs and all the stuff in between.

I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling so good about yourself.

What a Christmas present you are giving yourself!!

I wish you continued success and happiness.

Have a great week!!

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AJB121299 11/16/2014 11:22AM

    congrats

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Vacation Is Good (A Picture Blog)

Thursday, September 25, 2014

This blog is coming off of 15 hours of sleep, a healthy breakfast and coffee... in my pajamas... at noon. Someone is on vacation.

I've been playing for the last two weeks, out to Seattle on business and up to Lake Superior for my real vacation. It's been great. Even though I have had to be disciplined with school still (3 classes left!), I have really worked on relaxing. That has involved drinking way too much, eating well, and waking up to things that look like this:



In Seattle, not only did I get to see my best friend from high school, but I got to go to the Space Needle and eat a lot of tasty seafood.





On Lake Superior? Well, I bought a timeshare that has this view...



Yeah, welcome back Paula. I decided that not only was this going to be a good investment (because I get 6 full weeks a year on the lake) but because if I can't go, the resort works on renting it out for me. I am so excited to come to MY cabin next year :) Woot!

Things in general are looking up. I have started to accept things where they are, which has proven a beautiful thing. I am where I am. I joined my beloved fitness studio that does Nia and Pilates and Zumba and Yoga etc. Excited to get started in October when I return.

Feeling very thankful. And happy. And at peace.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

4EVERADONEGIRL 10/7/2014 6:05PM

    Hope you enjoyed the rest of your vacation and that October is off to a great start!

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PJH2028 10/4/2014 11:01AM

    Oh sweet friend… Yay!


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ALOFA0509 10/2/2014 11:41AM

    Yeah baby!!!! Seattle is God's country- You look happy and very much at peace. Namaste sista emoticon

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SHEILA1505 9/30/2014 8:10AM

    So good to see that you are in a good place
Hugs
xxx

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BRAINYBLONDE5 9/26/2014 1:50PM

  awesome pictures!!!!!!!

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SARAWALKS 9/26/2014 8:25AM

    Wonderful to hear from you and know that things are going well!

FANTASTIC that you have a place on a lake! emoticon

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MT-MOONCHASER 9/25/2014 6:15PM

    That last paragraph is beautiful!!

I so am glad that you have found these things, especially the peace.

emoticon

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DOTTY7267 9/25/2014 2:05PM

    Beautiful views. . . . .enjoy!

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25% to Goal

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Well, it's been 3.5 months since June 1. Slow but steady has been the mantra, and apparently that has paid off in spades for me. I am proud to say that with much less chaos, crazy, and effort, I've managed to steadily lose 19.6 pounds which puts me officially over the 25% mark.



It feels different this time, different than ever before. I'm not obsessing over calories, or nutrition, or exercise. In fact, I'm not even tracking. I'm not obsessively thinking about food as I used to. I'm in this zen space of being me, which has been a completely different experience.

Yes, it's a slower pace. And yes, I've had my moments of feeling disappointed. However, I know that even if I went overboard with my choices, it wouldn't derail me the next day.. in fact, I've been much more mindful about things in general, and I do believe this has made the biggest difference.

If I am hungry, I eat.
If I am thirsty, I drink.
If I want chocolate or chips, I have them.

I have no "off limit" foods this time. I have no rules and regulations of what I can and can not do. I haven't even added exercise in to the mix as of yet, and I have still had success with this moderate approach.

I'm feeling very thankful and optimistic about the future.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

4EVERADONEGIRL 10/7/2014 6:04PM

    Way to go!!! Keep at it, lady!

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PJH2028 9/15/2014 10:20AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
Hooray! I've been attuned to your shifts and energies…. and have felt the FLOW you're in. So glad to hear your voice. Love you every day. P

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CAROKNITS 9/15/2014 7:18AM

    Well done! One day at a time with grace.

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SHEILA1505 9/15/2014 3:14AM

    Well done
Hugs

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MPLSKEN 9/14/2014 10:48PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MT-MOONCHASER 9/14/2014 1:41PM

    I love this new calmer, laid back attitude you have toward yourself. Keep it up!!

emoticon

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RICKHANN 9/14/2014 1:35PM

    Good job, it's easier when you make it fun.

Keep it up.

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KJBLACK1 9/14/2014 1:33PM

    Congratulations!

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ARNETTELEE 9/14/2014 1:24PM

  That's great!

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My Own Little Miracle

Monday, September 01, 2014

Since June 1, 2014, I've lost 17.2 pounds. As of today, I saw a new "decade" on the scale that I haven't seen since last October.

Yes, it's slow. However, I'm not doing ANYTHING this time outside of being mindful.

I'm not meticulously tracking my food.

I'm not working out 1 or 2 hours/day 5 or 6 days/week.

I'm not counting my calories.

I'm not starving.

I'm not restricting.

I'm not binging.

I have experienced hunger and fullness.

It's kind of like its own little miracle really. It's really put me on pause to question everything friends, relatives, and the media have been spoon feeding me for years.

Maybe this element of kindness, of just accepting I can't do much given everything that I am doing, has been the missing link all of these years.

I've never been kind to myself through this process of trying to become healthier. I've been harsh to the point of being militant. I've counted the calories in my gum. I punished myself at the gym with extra time if I ate or drank something that I felt I shouldn't have. I silently judged myself 24 hours a day, and told myself a plethora of lies including "If only you were at X weight, then you would be good enough and worthy of love".

You know what the best part about this time around has been? I don't think about food. The obsessive thoughts have all but disappeared. Because I'm not limiting myself to "good foods", I have the freedom to indulge in the taste of something if I want. Like peppermint bon bon ice cream. I actually can have a container sit in my freezer and not feel a compulsion to eat it, unless I am getting a craving for it. Or the mini bags of chips I have had sitting in my cupboard. I eat a bag when I am wanting it, maybe even two bags, but then I'm over it.

I've been trying to focus on more well rounded meals, though a go-to is still ramen noodles for this graduate student. Hey, I still have to eat! But I've been buying cut fruit and eating that as a snack, and have incorporated a ready-to-heat breakfast sandwich in the morning... every morning...to get me off on the right foot. It's made a difference.

One thing I noticed is that I have been having food go to waste. I explored this, and realized I am still buying in the quantity I did before... for the girl who would eat that quantity... and so I have had to alter my shopping habits t buy less more frequently. It's still a work in progress.

Overall, I'm quite happy with things. I'm elated beyond measure that I have spent the last two days writing the draft for my thesis and it is nearly complete. That 30 page project has been hanging over my head for quite some time, but now I can put that anxiousness behind me and focus on the future of: Edits, 3 more classes in the next 6 months, and then graduation! Done and done!

I look forward to see what September will bring into my life. I hired someone to help me last week, and they start at the end of this week. That will relieve a lot of my burdens at work. I am flying to Portland in a couple weeks as I have been asked to present on our hiring, retention and talent development practices! And then, right after I get back, I go on a week long vacation to Lake Superior before school starts again in October.

The end, my friends, is in sight. Amen.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SAPHRAEL 9/7/2014 10:01AM

    I've had to adjust my grocery trips too. I took advantage of the farmer's market this summer for the fresh stuff. It was awesome. Good luck with your presentation. I'm involved in a strategic workforce planning initiative where I work. I've been to Grand Marais, Michigan, which is on Lake Superior. It was a delightful, sleepy little town. Enjoy the vacation!

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CAROKNITS 9/2/2014 7:55AM

    How wonderful! Your post reminds me of a nice, warm fuzzy robe with a cuppa hot tea on a wintry morning. A delightful, calm moment in the midst of an otherwise busy day.

May you get lots of good feedback on your draft, never lose anything due to a computer glitch or outage, and have the edits just fly from your brain to the screen!

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SHEILA1505 9/2/2014 3:00AM

    Well done!
At last, you have an Assistant ... yay!
Thesis - great

Big hugs

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LDY_ALI_79 9/1/2014 3:27PM

    Oh I so needed to read/hear something like this. Congrats on all your little miracles! I love your comment about things being slow & you're not doing anything but being mindful. Isn't it always great to be grateful for the little things!?!



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The Fear of Hunger

Tuesday, August 05, 2014

So, today I realized that I am afraid of feeling hungry. I have never really thought about/acknowledged this piece of my personality before, but it came to light today as I was discussing why I didn't want to start exercising again. Inevitably, I will feel more hungry and I don't want to feel that way.

This was a WOW, stop-me-in-my-tracks moment. It's true, I am afraid of feeling hungry (especially since I have had 2 decent months of fairly contained hunger... I just don't want to deal with it anymore).

This was a point of challenge from my therapist. She said that hunger isn't what needs to be feared, because it's just information from our bodies; in fact (lo and behold) it's NORMAL to feel hungry, especially after working out. She said it is the eating disorder that is making me fearful of what has been the RESULT of feeling hungry, being completely out of control with my food in the past.

Ok, so I am letting that settle in for a moment. I googled the opposite of fear and came up with the following: peace, faith and safety. Ok... so let's break those down. Do I feel peaceful with my food? During the last couple months, sure more than before, but I never feel completely at peace with my food choices so that doesn't work. Faith? Well, I'm working on that in a different aspect but I don't have faith in myself enough to believe that I really do have this conquered (I've been down this road a million times, I'm done being persuaded). So there goes that.

Now I am left with safety. Safety in my food choices, safety in knowing that X won't cause me to gain weight in the long run. Safety in knowing that intentional movement is a way to be kinder to myself. Safety in knowing that losing 5 pounds a month, and having it feel like it was not a ton of work and being able to maintain the loss is psychologically less damaging than losing 5 pounds in a week and swinging back up the next because I ate less than I normally do and am now compensating.

So for me, the opposite of fear is safety. I can work on building safe habits that will help ensure I don't swing. It won't be glamorous, as I was reminded of today, but it will be sustainable. And I will have to work on it being enough because what has worked before hasn't been able to be sustained.

I want different for myself. I feel like I am on the right path and making good progress in many areas of my life. I am thankful for being able to recognize the Fear so I can challenge and reframe the unconscious messaging I've been telling myself forever.

And I am thankful for you, SparkFriends. Your encouragement means more to me than you will ever know. I long for the day that I have more spare time to respond and interact with you, but until I am done with grad school, I am working on coming here and writing down my thoughts as being enough. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BOOKLADY36S 8/27/2014 12:25PM

    Excellent blog!

It was like I was reading about myself! I've always had a fear of food, and I've struggled with morbid obesity and binge eating all my life.

emoticon emoticon

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KRISKECK 8/18/2014 11:37AM

    You are so smart - it makes total sense that the opposite of fear is safety.

I am just so impressed with the way you're approaching all of these issues this time around. With LovingKindness and Wisdom.

Cheers to you
Kristin

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SHEILA1505 8/6/2014 3:02AM

    Be Safe!
Big hugs and xxxx

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MT-MOONCHASER 8/5/2014 10:39PM

    Isn't it exciting to discover something about yourself that may seem obvious in retrospect? Hooray for you therapist for pointing you in the direction of this breakthrough.

Keep up the good work.

emoticon

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PJH2028 8/5/2014 8:24PM

    Love your love of you
and emoticon s
xxxop

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EMMACORY 8/5/2014 6:48PM

    This was a very reflective and honest blog. When we can name where we are on the journey we have a better chance of making successful changes for the future. Good for you! emoticon

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