Sunday, December 01, 2013
Well November was a bit of a bust. I succumbed to candy on Halloween night, didn’t even try to regain any control because my birthday was on the 8th and it seemed that set the tone for the whole month. I am full of excuses as I even had a Dairy Queen cone for celebration after my doctor’s appointment on the 20th where I was allowed to going partial weight bearing.
I hate that I go back to my usual tendencies when given the opportunity. One that is hard to beat is that since I am here and the food is here, we might as well get together because the likelihood of me seeing you again is slim to none. Second on the hit list is getting rid of all temptation by eating it because after all it will just make things easier in the future. Another good one is a variation on the first two and what I like to call last supper. This consists of the idea that since I will be ‘good’ starting tomorrow I might as well get it out of my system now. This last one is more of a delay tactic as I like to wait for landmark dates to start eating clean again. This date could be a Monday, first of the month or really any day after a period of time when I will want to be eating with abandon.
Anyway, today being December 1st is one of those days where one feels they can start again. I am not even going to wait for my scale which I have not purchased yet to signal the start of my new found resolve. That could have been another excuse but I feel bad enough for losing a lot of good ground in this battle so I will weigh myself when I manage to get to a store. While the next month is considered dangerous territory by most, it doesn’t have to be for me since I don’t anticipate a lot of Xmas parties. I really only have to worry about one day but given there will be dangerous food (or reasonable facsimiles) those might be famous last words.
Here’s to all of you for whom backsliding is a reality. We never set out to go against plan and maybe that is part of the problem. One needs to prepare for these setbacks both mentally and physically. I, myself, think I need to concentrate on what Dr. Oz calls a U-turn in the road. Even if I do make a mistake I need to correct my behaviour that day and not go down some tragic path for the next week, month….do I hear longer? I read a blog the other day whereby the person concentrated on her belly fat every time she wanted to stray from plan. It helps to have a focal point that one immediately goes to reminding them of where they want to be instead of the loose guidelines of just wanting to lose weight.
What keeps you on plan?
Thursday, November 07, 2013
I am excited that my horoscope for November has a total solar eclipse which marks a new beginning for Scorpios. For anyone that knows me well it is no surprise because I like nothing better than a great make- over or transformation. I don’t think I have ever missed one episode of What NOT to wear in its’ entire 10 year history. Anyway, I think birthdays are an excellent time to re-examine your look and decide whether something could be improved by going on a diet, changing your hairstyle or buying some new clothes. Better yet, it is a good time to look inside and see what is not working because this is where the tools for true change lie.
Over the past 30 years I have made numerous attempts to change the exterior without doing the necessary work on the inside to get the job done. Don’t get me wrong I have read numerous self-help books and as anyone who has read my blogs will testify I have tried to employ the law of attraction and be positive. I am here to say now that sometimes you can do everything just right, and things still don't work out. You plan carefully, put your intentions out to the Universe, cross all your t's and dot all your i's, and still, life has a funny way of derailing the best laid plans at times.
It's pretty easy to feel frustrated, impatient, angry and disappointed with yourself. Because you are not achieving what you originally set out for, one has a tendency to become even harder on themselves. Where did we get the idea that self-loathing and berating yourself is the path to perfection? Constantly judging yourself can trigger unhealthy feelings and emotions starting a downward spiral that will only take you further from the joy and abundance you want in your life. Instead I have learned and started to practice letting go of my desire to control the situation and just focus on me. It is easier said than done.
If I have made mistakes then what I need to do is learn my lesson and move on without condemnation. What do they say? Condemn the sin and not the sinner. Gradually, I am learning to forgive myself. I forgive myself for allowing a life of morbid obesity. I forgive myself for limiting my potential. I forgive myself for robbing the younger me of a richer more full life. It’s been difficult because I have a tendency to cling to the past and wallow in my regrets. But I have learned that by clinging to the past, you cannot move forward. I always thought I needed to be reminded of what I had done so I wouldn’t repeat my mistakes but that just kept me in a cycle of negativity.
If what you are doing is not working then doing it harder is not going to produce any new results. Isn’t that the definition of insanity? Trying something new after all these years, I am choosing to live in the present and my primary goal is to look after number one, me. I have to keep reminding myself that my self-worth has to come from within and not from what I perceive that others think of me. I need to step out of my way and instead of suffering endlessly choose to leave my mistakes behind and move on with my life. We place a deadline on when we want something but when it is not met this prompts us to struggle with the flow of life. I need to have faith, trust the process and be open to what the Universe has to offer. Instead of allowing my feelings regarding the past to keep getting in the way and thus maintaining the status quo I need to realize everything happens for a reason but I can move on and realize my potential, it’s not too late….even at 39!
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
I have tried to remain positive over the last two months but it’s getting more and more difficult. The frustration I feel not being able to walk is growing every day as I am held captive in the second story of my house. Sometimes I go to that place where I wonder what I would do if there was a fire and would a firefighter be able to save me and then judge me because he couldn’t lift me. Add to that the expectation of friends and family thinking I should be better by now and you have some frayed nerves. Irrational thoughts, cabin fever and patience is being tested on a few fronts as I hate being dependent on someone for the most basic of needs.
"Know that everything is in perfect order whether you understand it or not."
For anyone just tuning in I had a Heel Bone Osteotomy and Posterior Tibia Tendon Transfer with Gastrocnemius Recession (commonly known as Flatfoot reconstruction). While many a tri-athlete has had the same surgery, there is an assumption there that my problem is solely because of my bone crushing weight. Letting this non weight bearing status make me house bound is also attributed to my size. Sure I am morbidly obese but I don’t know of too many people who find it easy to manage on one foot so staying in is just easiest. My aids are helpful but still present a number of logistical problems. Like do you think twice about where you will sit because I do and that includes a toilet as it’s difficult to get up on the power of just one leg and the strength of one’s arms pushing off arm rests. Now factor in the fact that I am 5’11” and that makes it more difficult because all chairs are proportionately lower for my height so is there any wonder one has a meltdown when someone asks the question: When are you getting off your arse?
Well, today was my check- up which is a couple days short of the 8 week mark since surgery and I was hoping to be able to start to put at least partial weight (PWB) on my foot. As it turns out I am not entirely healed so I will not be able to leave non weight bearing status. The expectation that I would be a little more independent was dashed and now I am looking at another 3 weeks of not being able to go anywhere or do anything. This includes a scheduled job interview, my birthday and an appointment with my ophthalmologist. I know I am losing my cool, all because of expectations. When we expect something it sets us up for a big disappointment when things do not go as planned….but that’s another blog.
Now to top it all off as my sister was about to load my knee caddy into the trunk when she went to get her keys off the front seat. The caddy rolled backwards only to be driven over by a passing delivery truck. He kept driving and all I saw was my caddy spit out the back with a cracked wheel and the rubber torn off. I managed to get it back on but I am not sure how well it will hold up with a cracked wheel. I attempted to contact the manager of the trucking company but have not heard back from him. I guess leaving it on an incline was not ideal as it probably rolled right in front of the driver without him even seeing it. I feel terrible for blaming my sister because I believe while she may be family there is no law saying she has to put up with an ungrateful, complaining and whining baby.
Not being sure now when this will be over or when I go PWB, I know I still will be reliant on others as it is merely a step in my recovery. Searching for answers, I have poured over message boards where people who have had similar surgeries relay their particular ordeal. I thought I was doing better than most but it bugs me that people in my life who know nothing about what I have gone through are passing judgement on my progress. Hopefully after the 11 week checkup I will be able to push forward with some physical therapy and get on with the business of living my life. I know that I will have to push it but I have good pain tolerance and I anticipate the process taking some time. As one patient put it you go from feeling like you are stepping on broken glass to having to learn to walk again without a limp.
On the plus side, I have worked hard to restrict my calories and not gain weight from sitting around 24/7 for two months. I think I have succeeded and while disappointed with today’s news I will continue to watch what I eat and hopefully make more progress on the weight loss front. It gets more and more difficult as one gets more bored because the temptation to munch is that much greater or is that just me? Now that the rant is over I must admit another good thing is that despite my bad news I have the complete support of my once grumpy surgeon (he was actually sweet today WTF?). He thinks my foot looks great (he would it’s his work) and that I am completely within the realm of a normal recovery.
“You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.”
Get An Email Alert Each Time _BABE_ Posts