Tuesday, April 01, 2008
I've got a pretty negative attitude when it comes to what I've achieved since July 2006. I'm definitely my worst critic & constantly feel like what I've done is absolutely, 100% not. good. enough. ever. I'm sick of that nasty attitude; it's time to focus on the inner as well as the outside change.
From the physical side, here are my numbers: I've lost 70 lbs. I've gone from a size 18/20 to a 4/6. My cardio fitness level is intermediate/advanced. My agility & balance have improved. Chin-ups (!) are no problem. Push-ups & all of their variations (clap, ball, scorpion, frog, powerovers, etc.) are easy. My cholesterol & blood glucose numbers are optimal. Vitamin & mineral levels all look good as well.
From the emotional / mental side, what do I want? I want to create success, to manifest my physical & professional goals by shattering the mental roadblocks that keep me in a constant state of fear... fear that I'm inadequate, fear that success never lasts, fear that I don't deserve success or good, healthy, positive things in my life.
The top of the mountain is w/in reach. I'm almost freakin' there.
Monday, March 31, 2008
I feel humbled today. Yesterday, for the umpteenth time, I was in a highly triggering environment & binged. I feel sad that food yet again got the best of me. I am near the top of the mountain, looking up towards what I have left to do & feeling overwhelmed. I feel afraid that I don't have the strength & courage to succeed, & self-sabotage by refusing to accept I'm a compulsive overeater.
I want to cancel my RD appt on Wednesday b/c I don't want to admit I'm back into old habits - weighing daily & counting calories. These behaviors may sound harmless for most people, but for me they lead to a downward spiral of unhealthy obsession.
For today, I will trust that the Law of Attraction is unfolding and orchestrating all that needs to happen to bring me my desires...
Friday, March 28, 2008
Last night I binged on granola. Before I'd even taken a bite, I already knew that if I crossed that line, I wouldn't be able to stop. And y'know what? I ate & ate until I was so painfully full I couldn't sleep. For now, the best thing for me to do is to practice avoidance of trigger foods, behaviors & thoughts until I'm better equipped to handle them.
For foods, granola's surely on the list. Same w/ any kind of baked good that comes out of the vending machines. Will keep adding as I become aware of new items that trigger binges.
For behaviors, a major trigger is having $1's in my wallet & knowing I can buy foods w/o DH knowing. Also, being alone in the house w/ that granola is dangerous. I absolutely can't keep from overeating when I'm eating out w/ my friends J & D. As much as I love them, they're not good for my body!
For thoughts, all-or-nothing / perfectionist thinking is the main culprit. I think I need to eat perfectly or it doesn't count. I need to learn how to extend some compassion to myself & remember I'm human.
I'm glad I chose to write this out before buying something from the vending machine. I no longer want to start a binge! Yipee!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Finished Jillian Michael's "Making the Cut" program yesterday & it's bittersweet. I followed the workouts but didn't eat my BMR most of the time so I saw no results in my appearance. I did however, notice changes in my fitness & strength, so I'm proud of that. Hooray!
I feel a sense of urgency to lose the last 20 for two major reasons: A) I need to sit for my group fitness instructor exam in 1-2 months and B) I want to spend a lot of time in the pool during my Vegas trip at the end of May. Realistically, I know I can lose 10 lbs by Memorial Day, & that will have to be good enough. Losing is a slow game requiring patience, & I'm just going to have to accept that this takes time.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Here I am, 2 days into restarting my efforts, & I keep having these nagging doubts telling me I can't lose another 20 lbs. I've maintained a 70-lb loss for 6 months, what's another 20 more?! Thousands of people have lost 90+ & they're maintaining. The Activity Stats counter on the main page is proof enough that it's possible to lose lots of weight.
I can do this. I can reach my goal. What's holding me back? Fear? Of what? That my mom was right all those years ago when I was 8 years old, when she put me on my first diet? Is that lesson - that my body was fat & unacceptable - so ingrained that I'll let it keep me from being the most athletic, most lean, most FIT I can possibly be? No freakin' way.
If I could go back to my 8 year old self, this is what I'd say: "You are loved & accepted just the way you are. You are wonderful & your body is an amazing thing. Take care of it. Cherish it. Here, I'll show you how..." Then I'd take her hand & we'd play. There'd be no thoughts of calories or number of exercise minutes. We'd just play & let our bodies become ecstatic w/ the joy of being alive.
This is my mission: To keep guiding my 8 year old self towards self-love & acceptance, until she completely trusts who she is & can go out into the world making no excuses for what she does, thinks, says, or believes.
I can do this.
Get An Email Alert Each Time ZMONEY Posts