Attitude change!

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

I've got a pretty negative attitude when it comes to what I've achieved since July 2006. I'm definitely my worst critic & constantly feel like what I've done is absolutely, 100% not. good. enough. ever. I'm sick of that nasty attitude; it's time to focus on the inner as well as the outside change.

From the physical side, here are my numbers: I've lost 70 lbs. I've gone from a size 18/20 to a 4/6. My cardio fitness level is intermediate/advanced. My agility & balance have improved. Chin-ups (!) are no problem. Push-ups & all of their variations (clap, ball, scorpion, frog, powerovers, etc.) are easy. My cholesterol & blood glucose numbers are optimal. Vitamin & mineral levels all look good as well.

From the emotional / mental side, what do I want? I want to create success, to manifest my physical & professional goals by shattering the mental roadblocks that keep me in a constant state of fear... fear that I'm inadequate, fear that success never lasts, fear that I don't deserve success or good, healthy, positive things in my life.

The top of the mountain is w/in reach. I'm almost freakin' there.

  

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GIRLZ3 4/2/2008 7:30PM

I believe you can do it. You have come this far and lost 70 lbs! WOW that is awesome. You just keep at it and you will be at the top of the world! You can do it! Report Inappropriate Comment

Post-binge reflections

Monday, March 31, 2008

I feel humbled today. Yesterday, for the umpteenth time, I was in a highly triggering environment & binged. I feel sad that food yet again got the best of me. I am near the top of the mountain, looking up towards what I have left to do & feeling overwhelmed. I feel afraid that I don't have the strength & courage to succeed, & self-sabotage by refusing to accept I'm a compulsive overeater.

I want to cancel my RD appt on Wednesday b/c I don't want to admit I'm back into old habits - weighing daily & counting calories. These behaviors may sound harmless for most people, but for me they lead to a downward spiral of unhealthy obsession.

For today, I will trust that the Law of Attraction is unfolding and orchestrating all that needs to happen to bring me my desires...

  

Identifying overeating triggers

Friday, March 28, 2008

Last night I binged on granola. Before I'd even taken a bite, I already knew that if I crossed that line, I wouldn't be able to stop. And y'know what? I ate & ate until I was so painfully full I couldn't sleep. For now, the best thing for me to do is to practice avoidance of trigger foods, behaviors & thoughts until I'm better equipped to handle them.

For foods, granola's surely on the list. Same w/ any kind of baked good that comes out of the vending machines. Will keep adding as I become aware of new items that trigger binges.

For behaviors, a major trigger is having $1's in my wallet & knowing I can buy foods w/o DH knowing. Also, being alone in the house w/ that granola is dangerous. I absolutely can't keep from overeating when I'm eating out w/ my friends J & D. As much as I love them, they're not good for my body!

For thoughts, all-or-nothing / perfectionist thinking is the main culprit. I think I need to eat perfectly or it doesn't count. I need to learn how to extend some compassion to myself & remember I'm human.

I'm glad I chose to write this out before buying something from the vending machine. I no longer want to start a binge! Yipee!

  

Finished "Making the Cut"

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Finished Jillian Michael's "Making the Cut" program yesterday & it's bittersweet. I followed the workouts but didn't eat my BMR most of the time so I saw no results in my appearance. I did however, notice changes in my fitness & strength, so I'm proud of that. Hooray!

I feel a sense of urgency to lose the last 20 for two major reasons: A) I need to sit for my group fitness instructor exam in 1-2 months and B) I want to spend a lot of time in the pool during my Vegas trip at the end of May. Realistically, I know I can lose 10 lbs by Memorial Day, & that will have to be good enough. Losing is a slow game requiring patience, & I'm just going to have to accept that this takes time.

  

Quick love letter to my 8 yr old self

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Here I am, 2 days into restarting my efforts, & I keep having these nagging doubts telling me I can't lose another 20 lbs. I've maintained a 70-lb loss for 6 months, what's another 20 more?! Thousands of people have lost 90+ & they're maintaining. The Activity Stats counter on the main page is proof enough that it's possible to lose lots of weight.

I can do this. I can reach my goal. What's holding me back? Fear? Of what? That my mom was right all those years ago when I was 8 years old, when she put me on my first diet? Is that lesson - that my body was fat & unacceptable - so ingrained that I'll let it keep me from being the most athletic, most lean, most FIT I can possibly be? No freakin' way.

If I could go back to my 8 year old self, this is what I'd say: "You are loved & accepted just the way you are. You are wonderful & your body is an amazing thing. Take care of it. Cherish it. Here, I'll show you how..." Then I'd take her hand & we'd play. There'd be no thoughts of calories or number of exercise minutes. We'd just play & let our bodies become ecstatic w/ the joy of being alive.

This is my mission: To keep guiding my 8 year old self towards self-love & acceptance, until she completely trusts who she is & can go out into the world making no excuses for what she does, thinks, says, or believes.

I can do this.