ZMICHE   38,738
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Update for my spark friends

Friday, December 19, 2014

Some of you know that I was recently in the hospital. It has taken me a little bit of time to be able to share this like I wanted to share it on here but I feel like if someone can benefit from it than it is worth it.

I got admitted to the hospital on November 17th. I had gotten home from work and changed clothes to head to my therapy appointment afterwards. DH decided to come with me to pick up his medical records. Well, the first half of this therapy appointment went fairly good but in the second half not so much. I shifted the conversation to something that had been weighing heavily on my mind and it turned out that he took me the wrong way and long story short he brought in a crisis counselor and I was involuntarily transported by ambulance to the hospital. I sat in the ER for a while, DH was with me since he was waiting in the car for me during my appointment. I was involuntarily admitted [but I signed myself in voluntarily to have some control over my rights, either way I wasn't allowed to leave] and I was on the unit until November 25th.

It was a really difficult time for me. To make matters worse my therapist blew my confidentiality while I was in the hospital. My husband didn't know that I was seeing a domestic violence therapist and my therapist come right out with all the information. I know he didn't do it on purpose as DH and I with the social worker at the hospital were on a conference call with him at the time but I am still very hurt by what happened. It was my choice to tell my husband or not and I wasn't ready for that part. The last thing I wanted to do in the hospital was to be explaining myself. I told my therapist that he took away my safe place and made sure to explain to him at the hospital that I wan't okay with it and that I wanted to see a different therapist when I got discharged. I did get a different therapist now which is a great thing. I am still hurt by what happened in the hospital, I know that it will take some time to heal from that experience. There was much more that went on over the course of the week that I was there but this part was one of the major setbacks.

I've had a few rough days and nights in the last three weeks since being discharged. It has been a really hard but I'd like to think that I am trying pretty hard to feel better. Not only do I see a regular therapist, I also see the dv therapist and in the past two weeks have been going to two different dv groups. Same place just different days.

Today I had a really profound day today. Feeling upbeat just at random but it feels so good. The dv therapist has been such an amazing support for me lately. Thursdays are my individual sessions with her and then group a little while afterward. Today was nothing short of amazing. I just felt so much comfort and so much peace for the first time in a long time.

I actually was all emotional on the way home from individual session and group tonight. Well, part of it was the song that came on the radio..... [Girl on Fire- Alicia Keys]

I seriously feel like I'm going through a divine intervention. Like all of this was meant to shift my focus to go down a different path. I have been shaken to the core but yet here I am tonight feeling like I am right where I need to be in this moment. I don't think I've felt this feeling before of being in such a fragile state but yet thanking God in a really strong and prayerful way. Not something that I am used to either right now by any means. It came across so strong it was such a beautiful blessing on my drive home. I was laughing and crying all at the same time.

Really hoping this happy feeling will stick around for a while, I've been working super hard to feel better. I bought myself quite a present recently. It got delivered today- a treadmill! It was a lot for me to spend but I had some good reasons and hoping it can be a positive coping skill in my life for a while. [Going off of the need to physically feel something when I am working through issues I thought it would help versus self injury.] Many times I feel stuck at home [yes, partly dv related] so knowing that I can go out to the garage and workout when I need some me space helps me be in a better place.

This is definitely a really deep post. Clearly I have been through a lot within the last month. But to be where I am at right now is truly nothing short of amazing.

In the hospital I had thoughts of going back to school to get my masters degree. Something I had just sort of written off before now. After the holidays I am going to give some serious consideration to going back to school to be able to help others. I'm still feeling pretty apprehensive and unsure about it but I feel a lot of that has to do with what I'm going through. I'd like to think that with the right people supporting me that I can do it and be able to finally do something I would enjoy in my life.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EJB2801 12/19/2014 10:38PM

    Thank you for this forthright blog! May you feel peaceful about whatever decisions you make.

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CLASSYLADYMAY 12/19/2014 9:56AM

    God bless you !! Hope everything gets better and your in a better place. Will pray that it happens. !! Sending Hugs !!

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AMARILYNH 12/19/2014 7:17AM

    Michelle, I am praying this feeling of peace and happiness will stay with your. I think the treadmill is a great idea - use it to 'take' me time! You DESERVE happiness and peace. Do whatever it takes to get it. Hugs, Marilyn

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PICKIE98 12/19/2014 5:31AM

    I am so glad you found the treadmill.. a sure thing to walk miles and read a book, think, listen to soothing music. As far as the therapist, they should be reported.It is part of their job to be confidential..

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RASPBERRY56 12/19/2014 5:11AM

    Please make a report about your confidentiality breach - there are laws on the books *for a reason* - don't let this go unanswered, please ........ for your own safety and those of others in the future as well!

I wish you all the best!

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KATIAT325 12/19/2014 2:23AM

    Wow, you are amazing! I commend you on your strength, resilience, and positivity. Also, you should really consider reporting your therapist because he potentially put you in a life threatening situation and violated hipaa confidentiality.

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MCFITZ2 12/19/2014 1:34AM

    You have been through a lot. I am glad you are seeing positive movement in so much of your personal journey. emoticon emoticon
So many of our team are facing life challenges. All different kinds. I see so much courage from so many including you. Be blessed with continued healing.

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Super Hero Strength

Monday, November 03, 2014

My recent super hero strength that I didn't know I had until I've had to use it is way more mental than it is physical.

I've talked/blogged a little bit about it already on spark so some of you may know a little bit already.

I've seen quite a few therapists in my lifetime for many different situations. I don't think I'd be the person I am today without their help. Heck, I don't even think I'd be here now if it wasn't for a few of them.

I started seeing my most recent therapist in October of last year, after transitioning from one I had for almost four years (I moved and 3 hours got to be a long commute!). Anyway, seeing him led me to other therapy opportunities at the same place. So at one point I was in three groups and also individual therapy. It was in the groups that I realized I needed more help...that my relationship has many characteristics of an abusive relationship.

It took me a while to accept the idea of domestic violence. Something that no person wants to believe about their relationship. The moment it clicked for me was one night when my husband got angry. He locked me in the bathroom for a bit which shook me up. I remember going in the bedroom trying to get away from him. I locked the door so that I could gather my keys, wallet, and phone before leaving. He was banging on the door to be let in, so when I did open the door I ran for the side door. He came up behind me and had a strong hold on my arms. It left me with bruises that he denied giving me. I struggled to get free and then ran out the door. I sat in my car crying, his mom came after me. I had my seat belt buckled, and was contemplating driving away. She reached in my car and unbuckled it and pulled me out. I felt so violated.

One of those therapists gave me a list of resources for domestic violence centers. So I worked up the courage and called the crisis line one day. The call didn't go through but a couple weeks later I decided to email. I set up an intake appointment back in August. Decided to be put on the individual therapy list. Just got in a couple weeks ago to see one of the dv center's therapists. I'm really thankful but it's been really hard.

Many people don't understand what this feels like. To hold it all together when you feel like falling apart. I honestly have no idea how I make it through work some days. To me that seems like super hero strength.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:


    Good good good for you. I'm not even going to say I am sorry. I'm just proud of you for taking charge of your life. You are not a child to be pushed around. emoticon You are emoticon

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MARYBETH4884 11/4/2014 2:24PM

    emoticon You are in my prayers!!!

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CAT125 11/4/2014 2:41AM


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BETZYGIRL 11/4/2014 12:13AM

    emoticon I continue praying for you. I have been blessed to not have had to undergo dv, but one of my sisters did. Keep on working through with your therapists and remember, we really do think you are a Super Hero and want to be listening ears when you need them. Please let us know how we can be of help to you if we can do more.

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JENNIFERKCM 11/3/2014 11:53PM

    You are a super hero to yourself for recognizing the situation, and seeking the help you need to make your life better. You are worth it! Please continue to come talk with us and share. I always look for your posts to see your updates. I am praying for you, and cheering you on.

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FOREVERDACE 11/3/2014 8:14PM

    Thank you so much for sharing such a personal part of your life. I spent a few years working with dv survivors both as a counselor to groups and then also to individuals and can tell you from that experience that I have such a respect for all that you are going through. I am so happy you are a part of our team. You sure do have some amazing super hero strength. Please let us know if there is anything additional we can do to be supportive. You deserve nothing but happiness.

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AMARILYNH 11/3/2014 7:31PM

    Oh Michelle I'm so very sorry you are going through this trauma! You ARE a superhero, not only for seeking help with a terrible situation but for being strong enough to share it with us here. I'm praying you will get the help you need! Hugs, Marilyn

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UMBILICAL 11/3/2014 7:12PM

  How true

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Clothespin Chart

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

I finally sat down today and worked on the chart I have been wanting to make for myself. I got the basic idea for it from pinterest. Since I have been struggling with the basic things lately I wanted to make this to see if it would help me do better.

It's not perfect by any means but I feel its a good start. I will probably use foam board eventually with the clothespins instead when I find the time to add to it more.

Here are what the pins say in the photo:

15 MIN
15 MIN
15 MIN
15 MIN

2-3 X/WEEK


Here's to hoping that this chart helps me feel a little less like my head is spinning and it helps me be more organized. Many times I forget about certain things until bedtime or even the next morning at times. So maybe with this hung up I will be able to better track how I am doing from day to day.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AMARILYNH 11/1/2014 7:10AM

    What a GREAT idea! I love the visual and hopefully having the chart to look at will free your mind for other things! I HATE to do that - get in bed, turn out the light, then remember something important I've forgotten! It is NOT a recipe for good sleep. Good job!!

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RYDERB 10/31/2014 12:38AM

    Love it! emoticon

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BETZYGIRL 10/29/2014 10:04PM

    This is a really great chart! I like this idea. I think I may need to 'lift' this idea to make one for me. Hope you have had a good day today! emoticon
emoticon Betty

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PATTYKLAVER 10/29/2014 6:30AM

    Great idea!

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MCFITZ2 10/28/2014 10:24PM

    What a practical and visual way to keep organized. emoticon

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VIOLETCREATION 10/28/2014 7:53PM

    I really like this idea. Good luck :)

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UMBILICAL 10/28/2014 7:53PM


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Expectations for BLC 26 etc.

Friday, September 19, 2014

I have many expectations for the next 12 weeks. However I know that if I try to incorporate them all it won't be pretty. Especially considering that I have been struggling lately to just get the basics down.

Three of the bigger things are

1. Exercise
2. Tracking
3. Food planning and prep

I feel like once I can get in a good routine with all of those I will see a major difference in weight loss and overall less of an overwhelmed and tired feeling.

One of the major hurdles for me right now is home life. Things haven't been going that good and my emotions are all over the place. Earlier in the summer I had dealt with a lot of domestic violence issues and even went for an appointment at a DV center. I haven't gone back since that appointment, but it's still an issue that I have to deal with regularly. Lately since DH and I have been living with MIL, BIL and fSIL things have been really crazy. I totally understand the saying 'Never live with your in-laws.' I swear if I have to hear 'This is my house' or any other of her empty threats I'm going to flip my sh!t. Plus the third dog BIL and fSIL got is seriously ridiculous. I'm not a huge dog lover in the first place. They had a dog when I moved in and then I got a tiny dog so we had two. Three is enough to make me go bat sh!t crazy insane. Oh did I mention this dog isn't trained at all? Including potty training. And they all stay in the kitchen where I have to cook. Oh and when they clean up from the dog they leave it on the table in a plastic bag. We don't eat in the kitchen because of the dogs but the smell is so nasty. I don't even want to think about what is getting into the air. Yuck.

I mentioned in my last blog about problems with my therapist. I started seeing him around October of last year. Overall things were going okay. Recently things just sort of blew up. He made a comment about how he can only see that clients that really need his help so instead of scheduling me for a weekly appointment like usual he bumped me to two weeks. I get that he has other clients but that was super tacky. Last session I called him out on it because he asked why I wasn't talking as much. He decided it was okay to compare it to the group session. Saying to me that he made an effort to change topics in the group so that I got a chance to talk and all I said was that I've been working a lot. Why yes, lets sit here and compare apples to oranges. We don't have to share in group if we don't want, you don't think I would have interrupted if I had something good to say? Trying to make me feel bad that I called you out on what you said before are you. Pathetic. I was supposed to see him on Monday but I called at the end of last week and said that I just needed some space. As much as I NEED to be in therapy I felt like I still needed time to process everything. Plus it was my day off and DH and I wanted to go to the apple orchard. I see him again on Monday, I'm not completely sure how to feel about it though. He did leave me a message that he is praying for me as he does for all his clients.

I've been working a lot more lately too. It's good because I have bills to pay and it gets me out of the house. But I am also struggling because I feel like I can never get anything done. My life feels so chaotic! I know there are others that do way more with less time but where I am at right now I am feeling stuck. Plus add in sleeping problems and I'm just a huge mess. I've been going off meds for narcolepsy because my insurance won't cover them. My new sleep doctor isn't so sure that I have narcolepsy anyway but I do for sure have sleep apnea. I haven't been able to wear my sleep machine because my anxiety has been super high lately. I feel like I'm being suffocated more often than not so it freaks me out.

As I stated above, those major things are what I hope to be gaining on in the next 3 months. There are a lot of smaller things too but those are definitely core things. Obviously I would also love to lose weight by the end of the challenge too but I can see that happening with focusing on those other areas more. It's going to be an interesting round with having to get used to a new team. I'm not quite sure how to feel about it but overall having a hard time with all the other upsets in my life. Nothing against the team just something I personally have to deal with on my own. I know I have been fighting off the 'bitter bug' lately so I'm trying not to let him get the best of me and what I can accomplish.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LEANJEAN6 10/7/2014 7:13AM

    Sort it out--and it sounds like you are doing that!--You are doing well!-Lynda

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CAT125 9/21/2014 9:14AM

    Hope you find some peace soon! Come chat with never know.....

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JENROSE1973 9/20/2014 8:56AM


Sorry to hear you are going through so much at once right now Michelle.

You will be in my emoticon !!

BLC will definitely help you. We are here for you! So glad you are a part of Team Violet Virtuoso.

If you ever need to vent or talk please inbox me. We are now family!

We got this challenge my friend. emoticon

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IGNITEME101 9/20/2014 1:43AM

    good to hear from you in a blog again. PS Counselors can be manipulative at times to reach their own ends, usually to benefit their patients.

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Recent thoughts and W30 plans

Friday, September 05, 2014

I've been thinking about this blog post for most of the last couple of months. It has crossed my mind often but I just don't know what to write about lately.

I have been working on ways to get my health back on track, but then again I feel like I haven't been trying very hard. I sit and daydream for what seems like forever and haven't really accomplished much of anything.

A couple of things that have crossed my mind in recent months.

1. I want to do a Whole 30. I tried last year and overall I enjoyed it. It was a fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants type of experience and I only made it to 26ish days but I did see the benefits from it. I have been pondering making Sunday W30D1. I know DH plans to go to the apple orchard together and I have a couple other events coming up but if I decide to cheat for a portioned size treat I will start again at day 1. It seems that when I am eating healthy and slip up it is easier to get back on track than when I am eating like crap all the time.

2. Whole 30 takes a lot of planning ahead to be successful with it. I think part of what is derailing me from beginning it is the exhaustion that I am feeling all the time. Part of it is from weaning off of my medication (sleep doctor prescribed but insurance won't cover it so I decided to go off of it instead) but I just know that the other part of the issue is the crap food I am eating. The one thing going for me is that I no longer belong to the clean plate club. I have been putting my food in the fridge for another meal if I don't feel like eating it all. I haven't been watching portion size much but I don't think that it's way off. Another thing that has stopped me from eating a lot at once is the development of a gagging feeling. Certain foods I just don't have a taste for anymore for whatever odd reason but I do try to take a couple of bites at least. Meat has been a huge aversion for me lately, super weird.

3. I wonder if I would benefit from a routine of some sort. Although this tiredness is really putting the breaks on my productivity. I have a couple of ideas. I tried a spreadsheet layout but that didn't seem to go over very well because I don't always work the same hours. Plus I don't know if I could keep setting a timer for each time period throughout the day from after work to bedtime. A daily log has crossed my mind but I don't really have space for a bunch of paper to pile up so that is iffy. At work the other day I came up with something that I think would be a fairly practical solution. I have to work out the details yet but it's reusable so that is a bonus. Hoping I can get the couple items I need for it and work on it early next week. I have already begun working on the contents of it. I will try to post what it is when I get it finished!

4. I need to work on my organization and time management skills. Granted I have had quite a few chaotic things going on in my life. Therapy helps but then again I've been stuck in a rut with that too. My therapist ruined it for me though when he said that he can only see clients that really need his help. Ah, that was hurtful. So in a nutshell, I feel like I am pretty much left to figure out things on my own even though he knows I've been having a tough time.

5. Someway and somehow I need to pick up the pieces of the tracks and get this derailed train back on on them. I feel at times that I have given up fighting and that's not an attitude that will help me move forward with anything. So I really need to stick to my guns and be a little more selfish to make sure that I am staying focused and keeping my best interest in mind. I sense using a journal (both food and feelings) and making sure that I do a daily evaluation to keep myself in check.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IGNITEME101 9/7/2014 2:24AM

    In the end, the decisions are always our own. emoticon

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MARYBETH4884 9/6/2014 5:31PM

    Glad to see you blogging!!! It is never selfish to focus on your health!! That's what all these plans and thoughts are, Once you get on a roll then you can look around and focus on more. Health and family and then work and others! You have your priorities straight!! emoticon

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SUCCESSN2014 9/5/2014 11:34PM

    Excuse my french: What the h&ll?? Who in their right mind says that to someone that needs help? I mean he's getting paid to do a job. What so because you're not coming into his office a sobbing mess every day, you don't need help? I'm sorry hon. If you can I'd try to find another therapist.

Good luck on the new plan. I hope it works for you.

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MCFITZ2 9/5/2014 8:35PM

    I know that every day you do this 30 day challenge is a day that you succeeded. I feel it is doable for you. emoticon

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