Friday, December 19, 2014
Some of you know that I was recently in the hospital. It has taken me a little bit of time to be able to share this like I wanted to share it on here but I feel like if someone can benefit from it than it is worth it.
I got admitted to the hospital on November 17th. I had gotten home from work and changed clothes to head to my therapy appointment afterwards. DH decided to come with me to pick up his medical records. Well, the first half of this therapy appointment went fairly good but in the second half not so much. I shifted the conversation to something that had been weighing heavily on my mind and it turned out that he took me the wrong way and long story short he brought in a crisis counselor and I was involuntarily transported by ambulance to the hospital. I sat in the ER for a while, DH was with me since he was waiting in the car for me during my appointment. I was involuntarily admitted [but I signed myself in voluntarily to have some control over my rights, either way I wasn't allowed to leave] and I was on the unit until November 25th.
It was a really difficult time for me. To make matters worse my therapist blew my confidentiality while I was in the hospital. My husband didn't know that I was seeing a domestic violence therapist and my therapist come right out with all the information. I know he didn't do it on purpose as DH and I with the social worker at the hospital were on a conference call with him at the time but I am still very hurt by what happened. It was my choice to tell my husband or not and I wasn't ready for that part. The last thing I wanted to do in the hospital was to be explaining myself. I told my therapist that he took away my safe place and made sure to explain to him at the hospital that I wan't okay with it and that I wanted to see a different therapist when I got discharged. I did get a different therapist now which is a great thing. I am still hurt by what happened in the hospital, I know that it will take some time to heal from that experience. There was much more that went on over the course of the week that I was there but this part was one of the major setbacks.
I've had a few rough days and nights in the last three weeks since being discharged. It has been a really hard but I'd like to think that I am trying pretty hard to feel better. Not only do I see a regular therapist, I also see the dv therapist and in the past two weeks have been going to two different dv groups. Same place just different days.
Today I had a really profound day today. Feeling upbeat just at random but it feels so good. The dv therapist has been such an amazing support for me lately. Thursdays are my individual sessions with her and then group a little while afterward. Today was nothing short of amazing. I just felt so much comfort and so much peace for the first time in a long time.
I actually was all emotional on the way home from individual session and group tonight. Well, part of it was the song that came on the radio..... [Girl on Fire- Alicia Keys]
I seriously feel like I'm going through a divine intervention. Like all of this was meant to shift my focus to go down a different path. I have been shaken to the core but yet here I am tonight feeling like I am right where I need to be in this moment. I don't think I've felt this feeling before of being in such a fragile state but yet thanking God in a really strong and prayerful way. Not something that I am used to either right now by any means. It came across so strong it was such a beautiful blessing on my drive home. I was laughing and crying all at the same time.
Really hoping this happy feeling will stick around for a while, I've been working super hard to feel better. I bought myself quite a present recently. It got delivered today- a treadmill! It was a lot for me to spend but I had some good reasons and hoping it can be a positive coping skill in my life for a while. [Going off of the need to physically feel something when I am working through issues I thought it would help versus self injury.] Many times I feel stuck at home [yes, partly dv related] so knowing that I can go out to the garage and workout when I need some me space helps me be in a better place.
This is definitely a really deep post. Clearly I have been through a lot within the last month. But to be where I am at right now is truly nothing short of amazing.
In the hospital I had thoughts of going back to school to get my masters degree. Something I had just sort of written off before now. After the holidays I am going to give some serious consideration to going back to school to be able to help others. I'm still feeling pretty apprehensive and unsure about it but I feel a lot of that has to do with what I'm going through. I'd like to think that with the right people supporting me that I can do it and be able to finally do something I would enjoy in my life.
Monday, November 03, 2014
My recent super hero strength that I didn't know I had until I've had to use it is way more mental than it is physical.
I've talked/blogged a little bit about it already on spark so some of you may know a little bit already.
I've seen quite a few therapists in my lifetime for many different situations. I don't think I'd be the person I am today without their help. Heck, I don't even think I'd be here now if it wasn't for a few of them.
I started seeing my most recent therapist in October of last year, after transitioning from one I had for almost four years (I moved and 3 hours got to be a long commute!). Anyway, seeing him led me to other therapy opportunities at the same place. So at one point I was in three groups and also individual therapy. It was in the groups that I realized I needed more help...that my relationship has many characteristics of an abusive relationship.
It took me a while to accept the idea of domestic violence. Something that no person wants to believe about their relationship. The moment it clicked for me was one night when my husband got angry. He locked me in the bathroom for a bit which shook me up. I remember going in the bedroom trying to get away from him. I locked the door so that I could gather my keys, wallet, and phone before leaving. He was banging on the door to be let in, so when I did open the door I ran for the side door. He came up behind me and had a strong hold on my arms. It left me with bruises that he denied giving me. I struggled to get free and then ran out the door. I sat in my car crying, his mom came after me. I had my seat belt buckled, and was contemplating driving away. She reached in my car and unbuckled it and pulled me out. I felt so violated.
One of those therapists gave me a list of resources for domestic violence centers. So I worked up the courage and called the crisis line one day. The call didn't go through but a couple weeks later I decided to email. I set up an intake appointment back in August. Decided to be put on the individual therapy list. Just got in a couple weeks ago to see one of the dv center's therapists. I'm really thankful but it's been really hard.
Many people don't understand what this feels like. To hold it all together when you feel like falling apart. I honestly have no idea how I make it through work some days. To me that seems like super hero strength.
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