Friday, March 28, 2008
this is part of the HP Challenge this week, and I never really realized it until recently what my trigger was.
When I'm angry, I feel like cleaning (I don't get angry very often..haha), when I'm sad, I just feel like moping or shopping or something, but I realized that recently when I've been turning to the food it's been when I feel guilty or ashamed of myself.
The weekend before last we went to my in-laws and I realized at some point that I think I was supposed to teach in church that Sunday. That guilt was tearing me up inside even though I couldn't do ANYTHING about it at that point, I couldn't let it go, and I ate a ton of stuff I really shouldn't have and I wasn't even hungry really. Then this past weekend on Saturday night we stayed up ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL night watching 30Rock on DVD (SO FUN), but I knew I was sabotaging myself for church in the morning. We slept in, didn't go, and I ate most of my calories in CANDY that day. I tracked and didn't go over -- because I was adamant with myself about that point -- but I didn't even TRY for eating healthy.
When I'm ashamed of my actions, do I feel like I don't deserve to eat healthy? I wonder what the specific deep down gut reaction is that causes me to turn to the food when I feel that guilt.
I really don't know, but the more I think about it the more accurate that seems to be. And it seems to be the catalyst for those occasions where I've gone a little bit too far in my eating, and continue to keep going in a binge-type way-- it's because I started feeling the guilt for how I'm behaving and I'm trying to stuff it away by continuing the action. If I can ignore the initial guilt, maybe it will stop bothering me?
I dunno. But I'm glad I've taken the time to think about this and learn something new about myself so I can take a more rational reaction to my emotions next time.
P.S. -- I'm also supposed to think about a reward for the next 6 weeks. I know what I want. Just gotta convince the DH. Ok so let's see -- The idea is for me to reach my goal of 175 in the next 6 week's -- theoretically that's about 1lb a week. When I reach my goal I want that HRM of my dreams! :D