Tuesday, June 01, 2010
No really, trust me. I've lost a lot of it and it's really not that hard.
You follow a set of parameters, and the math and science speaks for itself. Eat less, move more - weight leaves. Fixing these underlying issues that cause us to gain extra weight is WAY WAY harder.
I'm still not tracking at the moment because I want to learn what I do when I'm not bound by a set of numbers telling me what to do. It's very difficult for me to do this... *sigh* Very frustrating. There have been very good days on this tactic - showing me I know how to treat myself well and am capable of doing it! And then there are some bad days.
I'm trying to figure out what is eating me right now. Today I started to get ready for my run and I thought about all the STUFF that was cluttering around the house -- I would go run and come back and all that stuff would still be sitting there... so I thought to myself, maybe I've been eating worse at home this weekend because of all the clutter putting a background of stress and burden on me and wouldn't I feel great if I got that all taken care of? SO! I did it. I opted not to run (I figure this can be a little cut back week on my running or something so I don't injure myself and get overtrained 3 days off in a row is kind of a lot to me but this was worth it) and I got that all cleaned up.
It feels nice in the house but... there's more to do. I need to clean the bathroom. I need to take care of the bedroom.
There's something else I thought of that might be bothering me as well. So - my sweet and wonderful DH has been feeling "fat" lately himself - he's been gaining weight working on his dissertation and whatnot and he feels very self-conscious about it. I know he feels worried sometimes that I'm going to leave him or something. The thought came into my head that maybe I'm sabotaging myself so that he will not feel bad and that won't be anything that ever comes between us. Now that is stupid. Rationally speaking -- how could hurting myself be productive and positive to our relationship? It's not like I'm actually sacrificing something to his benefit... But I seriously wonder -- I'm doing most of my overeating when he is asleep and I'm by myself so I wonder if that separation is triggering those fears of being alone.......... *SIGH*
STUPID EMOTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And FOOD! Why do we do this to ourselves? I'm a smart woman who knows how to take good care of herself physically, but I don't know that I really understand how to care for these things. At least not yet.
All I know is that I have a plan of action:
1. Talk to DH about my theory re: self-sabotage.
2. Do ST tonight at home so that I don't feel like I didn't do anything physical today.
3. Finish my mission to get the house in order (items other than a to be completed over time - ok actually tomorrow I want b and c to happen as well)--
a. Clean the bathroom tomorrow morning.
b. Pack away cold-weather/toowarm clothing
c. Create a space for sweaty workout clothes to air out - specifically!
d. Pack the kitchen items that will not be used before we leave.
e. Pack other items that will go into storage while we're w/ the in-laws
4. GO RUN TOMORROW!
5. Make a grocery list tonight/tomorrow to be completed shopping on Thursday. Goal - use up pantry items as much as possible between now and when we leave.
I got problems, people! But I think that just makes me human, not a freak. It's hard to deal with. I have been tempted to just simply go back to tracking everything and following the numbers because I know that "works". Well - it DOES work. To lose weight. But I'm afraid that inclination is just another way of running from the hard work it's taking to figure these things out and that it will be much more beneficial to me in the long run to confront them even if it's causing my weight to fluctuate.
I did have some positive actions this weekend.
Saturday I ate too much between when I woke up (very late at like 12:45pm or so) and when I went running later. I stopped eating at around 3pm, so I was eating for around 2 hrs at least. Too much food. I did a 6.5 mile run - cut it short from 7 because of very threatening sounding thunder and the party! - and toward the end I started feeling REALLY sick to my stomach. I was bummed! The host of this party had prepared some of his awesome BBQ, etc. Well -- rather than adding more misery to my miserable self by eating more and more and feeling sicker at the party because I "didn't want to miss out" - I made myself a take home plate to sample the best looking items and just drank a LOT of water.
Later that night I was able to enjoy the food in the comfort of my own home and without feeling sick. So two thumbs up for that! I was proud of listening to my body and finding a way to be flexible.
Yesterday I also ate too much earlier in the day before my DH woke up but then when we went out he wanted to go get some pizza at this place and I was just like *BLURGH* well. We went anyway. I had a bit of the crust and one bite of the pizza because I wanted to taste it and a bite of the tiramisu. Honestly the pizza was NOT good other than the crust (to me). I was very proud of again not just eating to be a part of the group and ordering so I wouldn't MISS anything. I know that is ridiculous and I didn't act on it.
SO! :D One thing kind of conquered this weekend! I also was able to realize that sitting around at home eating and watching TV all day (yep, I was being mindless) made me have a horrible mental image of myself and that when we got out of the house both Sunday evening when I went to my friend's party and Monday evening when we went out to the pizza place (and Target) I was able to see myself in a mirror and in the glass front of the restaurant and realize I was not some huge fat miserable slob - although I was treating myself that way and feeling that way. I was sooooooo stuck inside my HEAD that I was out of touch with reality.
This new thing I'm trying is definitely not going to be a short term weight loss solution but I'm going to stick with it for a while longer. I'm still weighing myself so I do have a number to help keep things overall under control - I'm not trying to gain weight or anything... :P Of course it's gone up after the poor eating days but less than I imagined and I know after a few days of eating better and in reasonable portions it will likely fluctuate back down again. If not I will have to put my experiments on hold for a while so I don't let things get totally out of control to a place that it's harder for me to recover from physically. Does that sound reasonable?
Thursday, May 27, 2010
So - this morning I had what is likely to be my last row with the Black Warrior Rowing Club. :( I am confident I will be able to join another rowing club someday in the future, but not sure when that day will be and we are almost certainly not returning HERE so that's that! Maybe I can row on a visit sometime or something!
The girl who is currently the amazing scheduling coordinator is also leaving - either about the same time or shortly after I am. The club is going to take a hard hit this summer! I really hope it survives - at the same time I'm glad I don't have to help it work through that and that I don't have to depend on this particular local rowing club for my future rowing possibilities. I love the people and the rowing, but the organization is hard to keep moving in a positive direction as I've experienced on the Board. Maybe true for other organizations as well -- I don't think I'll be volunteering to do much more than be a very active and supportive participant in something like this for a LONG TIME. :) hehe.
This morning's row was REALLY GOOD. It was tough -- but good. We had a very brief warmup - only did pick and reverse pick drills. Then it was on to rotating through 6's, then rotating between 8's and 6's. Then we spun the boat and rowed all 8's the entire way back, doing pressure pieces (intervals) on the way. I have all these great new rowing blisters that will not be hardened into useful rowing calluses anymore. I also got a new rowing wound -- when getting out of the boat one of the exposed bolts on the outside of the shell that hold the oar riggers on the boat dug into and scraped along my arm. YEAH. I was pretty much trapped against it until I could get up. So I have a nice... cm long? ... gouge in my arm that has a bruise under/around it. FABULOUS! haha.
I also had only about 4 hrs of sleep last night (not surprising) and my quads were definitely sore from yesterday's hilly arboretum adventure! I started running and then decided to take a different turn after covering 3/4 of a mile of my usual route -- I found aNOTHER great new place to run (as long as it's not too sunny/hot cause there's NO shade) along the river on the road that leads to the dam and a landing dock. Totally flat and great view! :) Not even any camber to the road and zero traffic. So... wonderful. :) Unfortunately it's about 1.83 miles out and back added to the trail I was originally started on, so I came short of my 4 miles goal today (totalled 3.33 when I mapped it). I knew I hadn't gone 4 miles - given how I was feeling and the duration - but considering how I felt when I got back to my car I was happy with my run and called it a day.
TRYING SO HARD NOT TO BE INJURED!!!!! I went home and entered my workout, took a shower, ate and then did some foam rolling while watching Bones. And then back to bed to try to get some sleep before time to get ready for work.
I have a BIG weekend coming up! :) Friday night is a concert of a local band my DH and I LOVE (Baak Gwai), Saturday night is the rowing club's send off party for our assistant coach AND ME which is SO NICE! He's graduated w/ his Master's in Engineering but actually got a job as a Rowing Coach in... New Hampshire? Someplace in that general area of the country. haha. So I'm very excited for him. So since we're both leaving they kinda combined it -- I guess no one knew about Scheduling Girl leaving when they planned the party yet... although I think she plans to row and schedule until she leaves so maybe they'll do something separately for her. Then SUNDAY night a good friend of ours (LAFTERSFREE *AHEM*) is putting together a little going away party for us as well! :)
And to top it all off - I get Monday off from work! We haven't been closed on Memorial Day like... since I started working here 4 years ago. So that is nice. Next week will be a short and sweet 3 day workweek for me. Sister's coming next weekend to visit! :D
Anyway -- about my heart being uplifted. I've felt very positive lately about my healthy actions and all. BTW the scale was back down this morning. haha. But that's not really it -- I really love the mindset I'm getting into about everything and I hope it is not just a transient thing. I hope if my mind lets any negativity seep in I'm able to recognize it, acknowledge it, and debunk it and kick it OUT.
I'm probably going to change my little SparkStatus soon -- it's been reading Women Food and God for ages now. But really, that book helped flip some important switches in my brain I think. She gets a little loopy on the God part in my opinion -- as someone who is religious in a Christian faith, reading her talking about how God is inside us or any of her other little statements about what she thinks God is (which totally doesn't jive with my faith) I have to kinda roll my eyes a bit, but really when I think about the principles of what she was saying - how we can connect to God through loving ourselves or whatever the heck... it really makes sense. I believe that we are children of God and that we have a divine nature in our being. Our bodies have been called temples. By treating ourselves well, we are treating our temples well and opening ourselves to spiritual growth and realizing our divine nature. It's really beautiful!
Yes - I do get a little eye-rolly at the kind of open ended generic spiritualism the way it's talked about in that book - but that's really the only part I wasn't into. There's a great section in there called "It's not about the weight, but it IS about the weight, too." Or something like that. Basically covering the fact that while the deep down issues we are correcting in trying to turn to a healthy relationship with food and our bodies is NOT about losing weight. BUT - if we continue to gain weight and degrade our physical health, we will not be able to live to enjoy a healthy relationship with our bodies. We become trapped in the excess weight. But losing weight is simply focusing on a symptom and not the source.
ANYWAY! Enough of that. I will try not to ramble about that book too much more because I swear, I'm not getting paid to advertise it. ;) HAHAHA!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Makes me wish I had taken this advice looonnngg before I have only like a month left to enjoy it.
Hit up the local University's Arboretum today - and it was AWESOME. Tons of paved paths criss crossing all over that place. Pretty plantlife, water... lots of people with there big sweet doggies. :) haha. Ok not LOTS of people, but seriously the only people I saw there had dogs. Oh except one man who was running into the entrance as I was leaving -- he was clearly a Runner. Yes, Runner with a capital R! little split shorts and singlet, he was serious. And not a young man either! I wanted to be like WOOHOO GO RUNNER DUDE! But if it were me running I'd feel very awkward about that... are they mocking me? haha. So I always hold those things in.
I ran about 54 min, which would be a really slow 4 miles for me so I just tracked it as 4 miles to be on the conservative side. My HR average was 152!!!!!!!!!! ONE FIFTY TWO, people! :D hahahaha. My last run I think my average was in the 150's as well. I'm starting to get excited about actually improving in that area. WOOT. I'm 100% positive the cooler temperatures and the shade from trees at times contributed to that today, but I've been noticing a downward trend in the HR numbers recently anyway so that is very cool.
I then went grocery shopping, got gas, came home -- unloaded and put everything away. Ate. Watched a couple episodes of Bones on Netflix Instant (love that). Showered and then was slipping into bed to try to get a powernap when I started thinking about the lovely greek yogurt w/ chocolate on the bottom I got to try and HOLY CRAP I DON'T REMEMBER PUTTING THAT IN THE FRIDGE!
I went down to the car and there was a bag hiddin under the massive block of toilet paper I had also purchased today and left in the car since I couldn't carry it up AND all the groceries. :P Well -- everything was still nice and cool to the touch so I'm calling it ok. I ate one of the yogurts and it was fine so... *shrug* just glad I didn't forget it COMPLETELY.
But of course now with more time passed and that jolt I definitely am not getting a nap and while I feel ok right NOW I'm hoping not to crash and burn too horribly later. At least I shouldn't have any problems getting to bed early enough to wake up for rowing tomorrow not totally exhausted.
In other news the scale jumped up dramatically this morning, but that was somewhat expected as I had little sleep and when I don't sleep enough that is what happens. :P So no worries - I am liking getting back into daily weighing because it really helps me to be comfortable and know where those fluctuations come from and know if it's a serious trend one way or the other or just a blip. I know it is negative for some people, but I always liked it and I'm glad I'm reinstating it! :)
So! Here's to a great rest of the day - I hope. :P I counted the days left of work and I have like 15/16 actual work days left. I might use some more time off even... haha. WOOT.
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