Saturday, August 16, 2014
So I thought about how yesterday I not only had two forms of exercise and felt invigorated, but also used my pumping time productively enough to blog. And blogging allows me a place to decompress, but also remain accountable to some degree.
And, yes, I'm pumping now.
Today I pushed myself out of bed for a 7 am swim and later took Emilia for a two mile stroll around the neighborhood. And I tired now? Absolutely, but my quality of self and day felt so much better having completed these two tasks. And while I'm not tracking food just yet I think it improved what I ate just because of time. There was less mindless snacking and more focus on protein - though I am, admittedly, a bit hungry now (breastfeeding does a number on my stomach).
Today moved in a positive direction. Tomorrow will too.
Friday, August 15, 2014
My, how time flies!
I resolved over a month ago that I'd get my rear in gear and yet here I am.
There are so many things I'd like to blog about and so this may seem disjointed and half-a$$ed, but I assure you that is not my intent - though two months of sleep deprivation and almost a full year without caffeine might do terrible things to my stream-of-consciousness as well as any type of fluid writing.
Let me start off with the positive: I am beginning to incorporate exercise back into my life as my much longer than expected recovery is on an upswing. Emilia and I take our walks almost daily and they always exceed a mile. I was also cleared to enter the pool again (FINALLY), and while I only made it there once this week, it was a good 2200 yds in 40 minutes (20 mins faster than when I was pregnant.) and it felt GOOD. I also hopped on the elliptical today for 25 minutes and felt more energetic afterwards than during.
The moving feels good.
I only wish it was easier to consistently do. My husband works fairly long hours, which leaves me with our two month old almost all the time. And I realize that being the one on maternity leave, I should be bearing the brunt. In fact, he has never had to get up for a middle of the night feeding. But being with Emilia all day - who NEVER naps btw - really limits the "me" time of yore. I can't just head to the Y or hop on the elliptical. I CAN go for walks with her, which I do, but I miss the intensity (and length) of my previous workouts.
Is it insane that I think returning to work might help this? She'll be in daycare until I pick her up, which I can do after going to the gym. If I want to. Because, you see, I can barely deal with the idea of dropping her off in the first place, let alone leaving her there an extra hour so I can workout. And once I'm working, bottles will be more of a norm and sleeping will be an equal opportunity experience in our house. But I'll be working, and well, if you've read older blogs of mine, that isn't a stress-free environment.
Though I'm really working to make it so much less of a priority because Emilia has filled the slot and she is SO worth it.
In continuing the cliche, I swore I wouldn't be one of those new moms who loses her place with SP and regresses, but here I am trying to justify today's two mile walk as reasonable reciprocity for my failed recording of food and very cheesy lunch. I know I'm not eating well, but I'm failing to do anything about it. Now granted Emilia makes preparing meals more challenging, but when I do have the chance, I'm CHOOSING to make the wrong types of meals. And it would help if I eliminated the very bad choices from the house, but in my careless third trimester I made those foods allowable again; so I need to ween my husband off those meals before stripping the fridge of some of his go-to dinner options.
And yet there I go again - another excuse.
I've started planning my work day meals/schedule so I'm never under prepared - after all, we all know not having food (or the right food) makes the choices later that much harder and often worse. But planning isn't doing and that's what I need to prioritize.
So while I might not be on the forums anymore and my blogs may be few and far between, I'm trying. And I will try harder to DO not excuse.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
First off - I never returned to finish yesterday's blog. I had a feeling that was going to happen only because as much as I love my daughter, once she's up, she's up.
My mother came to visit today, which has been much less stressful than in years past. Her first granddaughter is clearly responsible for her much less nagging, critical, complaining presence to which I am very thankful. It's actually been a bit of a relief because there's some human contact and an opportunity to pass Emilia off when it's time for burping or when I'd like to use the bathroom. I even had a chance to run to the pharmacy.
We got to talking about how my husband is handling the new addition - and he is doing terrifically - to our family. When I mentioned that he's still playing video games my mother asked why; when I mentioned it was to decompress, she seemed bothered. I didn't understand why until she asked me what I do to decompress. I told her I'm good and can handle it, but she didn't accept that as an answer.
She pointed out that my methods for decompression have been on hold for four weeks and will be for at least another two. My six week postpartum visit will hopefully render approval for all activities, but I am especially hopeful that swimming will be okay and my stitches/tears will all be in healthy order. So I mentioned the walks I take with Emilia each morning, but she still found that unacceptable and blurted out, "food."
I wasn't receptive to her comment until I realized a few minutes later that is so true. I can hide behind being a fairly overwhelmed first time mom, but the truth is I do eventually get around to eating during the day - I'm certainly not starving - and it's not the healthiest or sound options. I "squeeze" in snacks throughout the day, but instead of measuring that snack, which would take an additional minute at most, I'm sitting down with a package that may or may not be consumed over a series of hours. And while I do need to rush a hot lunch to enjoy it while it's still hot, there are ample cold, healthy lunch choices I could be making that I can put down and come back to.
The truth is, I'm making poor choices and it isn't because I'm a new mom or too busy, but because I'm falling back to my emotional eating as a means to decompress what feels like a major life overhaul.
It's time to make more conscious decisions.
Wednesday, July 09, 2014
Okay. So it's been a month since having Emilia.
As you can see I am all over the place emotionally, mentally, physically, and nutritionally. This newborn, first time mom thing is A LOT more everything than I ever gave it credit for. I love her, but she controls my every movement. I know it's part because I let her and part because I'm one of those paranoid first time moms. That being said I need to evaluate my perspective on me - and a little her.
(I'd like to preface this with the fact that I am borderline ashamed to admit my defeat after such a successful run with SP last time. And especially embarrassed if any of my former BLC mates see this. I hope I'm not a discouraging example of weight loss - gain here.)
I began on Spark last time at 225 lbs and whittled my way to 138 lbs.
At the end of my pregnancy, I was a whopping 218 lbs, which has now moved its way down to 193 lbs. This is not an awful start, but it is a little given my very poor eating habits as of late.
So I decided to take my measurements for the first time since last October - and Oh. My. God. - I've essential put on 9 inches on almost every part of my body. I expected my hips to be wider (and they certainly are), but my waist and thighs I was hoping could be salvaged a little.
No such luck.
I really want to exercise, but before the doctor clears me, I really should be using this time to get my nutrition back under wraps. This is a heck of a lot harder than I thought it would be. I'm not making excuses, but I no longer come first. I can't just swing into the farmer's market or Trader Joe's when the mood (or empty fridge) strikes. Those trips have to be thoroughly planned now between the diaper bag and breastfeeding and when she may or may not be airing her own grievances. Again, I'm not making excuses - or even complaining - I'm just trying to sort through this new life of mine (and hers).
In fact I have stopped typing three times already - twice to breastfeed and once to soothe. I'm actually typing one handed at this point...
I'll come back and continue this later - provided Emilia allows.
Monday, June 30, 2014
Before finding SP, I typically found comfort and expression in food. Not in a "foodie" enthusiast way - like a no one is watching, shovel food down your throat, and find some momentary relief in whatever emotion "plagues" you kind of way. And it didn't matter what emotion it was - upset, excited, bored, overwhelmed - you name it, I felt it and consequently ate it.
All the way to 225 lbs.
Then I started with SP and began to process that trigger through moderation, tracking, and blogs until I invested in exercise. I was reluctant at first, but quickly found that I just felt better after a good workout. I placed less stress on my job, on my own expectations, and even restraints in my life. No matter how negative or tired I felt upon my arrival at the gym, I always felt refreshed post workout.
And that evolved. First I found the elliptical rewarding; then strength training made me feel powerful; this escalated (literally) to the stair climber. These activities opened the door to hot yoga and TRX - two of the biggest confidence boosters as well as emotional cleansers I have ever experienced. And i think that's saying a lot given my competitive swimming background.
So here I am: 3 weeks postpartum.
3 weeks postpartum means no exercising. It means having very little sleep. It means learning to appreciate a very different - very mushy - body. It means slowing down to allow your body time to heal. And it means I have the most delightful, beautiful little girl to care for.
I never thought it possible to love and feel protective over something so quickly, but every time I look at her sound asleep or try to soothe her toughest cries, I can't help but feel so happy and proud. This comes with a very contradictory feeling that i hope doesn't come off too awful.
I am so frustrated with me.
My eating sucks and I know it, yet choose to do nothing about it. I'm exhausted, but don't nap when I can. And every time I look outside and see the sun shining, I want to run outside and disappear in the glow for just a little while. Don't get me wrong; we go for walks everyday and sit outside when the humidity isn't too bad.
And most importantly, I'm losing the ability to process my emotions in a healthy manner again. I'm not a talker (contrary to my very lengthy blogs); I've always found an alternative way to process emotions. Exercise does that for me. Especially swimming, where I can go underwater and just move. Sweat always feels better. And that sense of power and independence I get from working out just feels awesome.
Without these things, I feel much less awesome. And the food I'm eating is indicative of that. I'm so stuck in a rut of eat, sleep, breastfeed, repeat, that I don't really know how to function anymore. The very fact that I'm getting a blog done is amazing right now - and concerning because she has been sleeping WAY too long to guarantee any descent sense of sleep tonight.
There's obviously much more specific details - none of which have to do with my daughter - that perhaps I will blog vent if I can't sort out personally soon. But I need to figure out a way to handle this new life as an actual life, which I'm clearly not doing right now. I know it's a process and it will certainly get easier and always be rewarding, but right now, my boobs are engorged, my stomach is upset, my head is all over the place, and I feel like a mess.
Trying for some deep breathes - really deep breathes.
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