Thursday, May 08, 2014
So a lot have changed for me since my last blog in July, I finished my school term with A's but didn't get into the program I wanted. I was disappointed but life has a funny way of working out, instead of the acceptance letter I was eagerly awaiting in the mail I got a positive result on a test I wasn't even planning on taking - a pregnancy test..
So there I was, staring at the third positive pregnancy test in a row - because ya know it takes that many to know for sure - shocked and a little bit scared, this wasn't my first down this road and I couldn't help but feel a bit apprehensive. I wanted to be excited but my heart wouldn't allow me to think about all the things that could be just yet in fear that it would all end in disappointment and grief again. Pregnancy after a miscarriage is like living through a cold war with your body, your always waiting for the bomb to drop. Every ultrasound is nerve wrecking, every twinge a possible sign of the end.
BUT after 9 months of throwing up, mouth ulcers and a skin infection that put me in the hospital for week I got the most anticipated and best gift ever just two weeks shy of my 28th birthday...
Athena (Thea), was born April 16th, 2014 at 10:45am and weighted in at 7lbs 8 oz of beautiful baby girl. Being a mom is a little like having your heart sudden outside your body, that's the only way i can describe it - it's a feeling of overwhelming happiness mixed with the most scared I have been in my entire life. I want everything for her, I want her to know nothing but love and happiness but I know I can't protect her from the world forever. I know she will know pain because pain is how we learn about ourselves, it's what we do with that pain that defines us. I want her to be kind and generous but not a push over. I want her to be a leader but not a dictator...I want so many things for her and I don't know the first thing about being a mom but I guess we will learn together and in order to make sure i'm still around for all the important things she will need me for I have to get my health on track...
So here I am spark, you and I have both changed in the 9 months and now more than ever I have a reason to stay