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Torn

Monday, February 22, 2010

I did the math. If I work out my normal schedule all week AND do yoga, I'll be able to get my 1000 minutes for February.

Except I feel really crummy today. I was starting to feel under the weather last night, woke up last night sneezing and struggling to breathe, and am coughing and stuffed up today.

Bah humbug. I really want to get back on track--I'm even wearing my work out clothes--but I just don't know if it's a good idea since I'm still stuffed up and coughing and generally feeling lousy.

Discretion may be the better part of valor today.

But I'm sooo tired of getting sick all the time.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SAASHA17 2/22/2010 4:05PM

    take rest Zanna..u dont want to aggravate whatever you are coming down with..if u feel better after sometime, u can workout..dont strain urself..

Manasa

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Torn

Monday, February 22, 2010

I did the math. If I work out my normal schedule all week AND do yoga, I'll be able to get my 1000 minutes for February.

Except I feel really crummy today. I was starting to feel under the weather last night, woke up last night sneezing and struggling to breathe, and am coughing and stuffed up today.

Bah humbug. I really want to get back on track--I'm even wearing my work out clothes--but I just don't know if it's a good idea since I'm still stuffed up and coughing and generally feeling lousy.

Discretion may be the better part of valor today.

But I'm sooo tired of getting sick all the time.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KOMAL53 2/23/2010 4:08AM

    Dear Zanna---you young guys are so impatient!!!First get well---the rest can follow in good time!!!Stressing yourself won't get you anywhere---I've learnt this the hard way---trust me stress NEVER works!!!Look at me---that stupid scale keeps showing the same weight no matter what I do--so I've decided to throw it out---but to stay on track by eating right and doing all the right things.Someday the Almighty will bless me----Hope springs eternal in the Human heart!!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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FINDINGMYWAY09 2/22/2010 1:38PM

    maybe take it slow today for your workout just walk.

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Quick Update

Friday, February 19, 2010

Just a quick up date to let everyone know that I'm alive--I just haven't had very reliable computer access. I do have a new computer--it's very shiny and pretty and lighter than my old one yet with a lot more memory etc., so very cool. My old one was pretty dead--definitely a hard drive issue,possibly other issues as well. It may still be possible to salvage the files off the hard drive, I don't know yet, though if I don't get that data soon I'll have to redo at least the work on my diss. Sigh. Unfortunately, my new laptop doesn't have a lot of software on it, including MS office (need that for my diss) and anti-virus (won't get on line without it) so until the software gets installed (which will take awhile) I won't be using it much. Hopefully some of that will get done this weekend, though we're doing birthdays again and my husband (who will be doing the installing) has to work.

This past week and a half has really been a mixed bag for me. I've been really stressed out about the whole computer situation--I find it really stressful to sort through computer options to figure out what will be a good purchase (and am still not 100% confident I chose wisely) plus the whole hard drive issue since I still don't know if the hard drive can be salvaged, or even how much I've lost if it can't be. I have had horrible insomnia (a self sustaining cycle unfortunately once it gets going) and I have discovered that when I'm stressed I may not especially want to eat (food=ick when stressed) but I do tend to drink way too many caffeinated soft drinks (sugar ones too, so BAD), a tendency I restrained but not entirely successfully. And a tendency to crave chocolate, which apparently doesn't fall into the food=ick category, maybe because chocolate makes you feel better (chemically, not just psychologically) or perhaps because I crave sugar when stressed--always have (pixie sticks and Mt. Dew used to help get me through major deadlines). And while I have always read that exercise is supposed to help with stress, it didn't help me at all--way too much time on the elliptical or when doing weights to think of everything that could go wrong/be lost. So I ended up retreating into books and games and watching tv (specifically the olympics. It's very rare for me to watch tv--in the last 11 months, this is the first time I've watched more than a few minutes of television, and I've been watching hours of the olympics). So very atypical of me and not especially healthy.

It's not all bad, though. I did go to the fitness center today and at least haven't lost much, and if I go to yoga tomorrow as planned I'll get my 130 minutes for the week and may still be able to squeak in with 1000 minutes for the month. I drank my water. I ate a fair amount of vegetables and tried to remember to eat regular meals (not always successfully) and they were sometimes even healthy and I restrained from drinking gallons of Mt. Dew and mountains of chocolate, even though I did indulge more than normal and probably went over my calorie counts (I haven't logged food because of the unreliable online access. Technically, I can do it on my phone, but it's a pain).

I feel like I slipped pretty hard off the wagon but I didn't fall off entirely and I'm getting back on.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

4-1HEALTHYCYNDI 2/19/2010 6:44PM

    Hope your hubby both gets your software installed and your files back from the old hard drive. I know how hard it is to concentrate when so stressed. I think you are doing fantastic. You have limited the caffeine intake, which you said yourself is an improvement from the past.

Taking time to watch the Olympics could inspire you once the dust settles and you are up and running on your new computer. I wish you and your hubby joy, peace and the internet!
Cyndi

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PRAIRIECROCUS 2/19/2010 4:06PM

    I'm still really hoping that your husband will be able to retrieve all your diss. material !
That sure would be fantastic.
It would be nice to have this all nicely resolved, so that you can get Sparking again !

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My Personal Nightmare

Thursday, February 11, 2010

And also a heads up.

My laptop died on me today. When I woke up this morning, it was frozen; when I tried to reboot, it failed. Repeatedly. Husband tried to resuscitate it with no luck. It's dead, and it looks like it's a problem with the hard drive.

I'm trying really hard not to panic. This is literally the stuff of nightmares for me--most everything I do is on that thing. I'm really dependent on it and yet am hopeless whenever anything goes seriously wrong. I thought I was fairly obsessive about back ups--the good news is that I did back up pretty much everything not THAT long ago. But I also have been working really hard on my diss, and have many many hours worth of work that I had been about to back up but hadn't yet. Not to mention other stuff I've done, including the pictures for my vision collage that I had found. But the biggest loss--and the thing that's making me sick to my stomach--are the hours and hours of work on my diss from the last week and a half (or more--I can't remember when my last back up was or what I have done since then) that I may have to redo. Not to mention finding money to buy a new laptop, because I have to have a computer and these days a laptop is pretty much essential. The only good news there is that I'm told that they've come down in price. *Hopes*

So prayers, candles, positive vibes, whatever you can send your way that the computer techs can at least salvage my files... would be appreciated.

Anyway, in the meantime, I don't know how much I'll be able to be around until I either get my computer fixed or, more likely, replaced.

Good news is... I'm not a person who eats when stressed. I'm more the kind of person who's stomach twists into this sick little knot and food is the last thing I want. Though today was a terrible food day--because of some screw ups on our end, there's no food for me in the house (well, for once I have fruits and veggies but not things like protein and carbohydrates. Usually the problem is the other way around). I was going to have peanut butter on whole wheat toast--only to find out after I had spread it on the last of the bread that my peanut butter had gone rancid (NASTY). So all I had to eat until dinner was a bit of cheese and some clementines--and then because we were out trying to deal with the computer issue, didn't get food and so ended up with pizza for dinner. And tomorrow I'll have left over pizza because that's about all that's available (did I mentioned that I'm stranded until we can get the van in for a new tire?) other than more cheese and maybe some more clementines, if any are left.

I did go to the gym today--figured I might as well since I wasn't exactly being productive. I didn't stay long though--too stressed out. I thought exercise was supposed to help with stress but it was almost worse for me--it left my mind too much time to think of everything that was stressing me out.. So I did cardio but not strength training. Instead, I called a friend.

Also... good news is that most likely I'll have a new computer, which means a newer, faster computer with a larger hard drive. My laptop was older, the memory was almost full, and it has been glitchy (to be polite) for at least a year. I can't say that I'm sad to have a new spiffy one that doesn't crash every other day. I'm not really looking forward to transferring all my programs, etc., but my biggest worry is that my hard drive isn't salvageable.

I apologize if this is really scatter brained. I'm too tired to be coherent, too stressed out to sleep.

Anyway--wanted to let you know why I wouldn't be around at least a bit, maybe longer. Kudos to everyone racking up fitness minutes, sparks points, meeting healthy lifestyle goals and losing lbs. You guys are all really awesome and I just know you'll be accomplishing lots of wonderful things.

  
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4-1HEALTHYCYNDI 2/11/2010 4:13PM

    I will miss you while you are dealing with these problems. Make the best decision possible each time. If all you have access to is pizza, eat the pizza. Don't starve. Pizza can be a good filling choice.

I hope you can recover the information on your hard drive. I know how tricky that can be, but it is possible depending on what the problem was. My DH can get info off many of them after a crash, but it depends on what caused the problem. So good luck with that.

I must say I love my little netbook. It is light weight, easily portable, connects to the internet and is just the right size. It does not play games, but that's OK by me. I don't play many computer games anyway. The price tag being about 1/2 of a regular laptop doesn't hurt either. LOL!

Be safe, well, happy and make each decision the best one possible.
Cyndi

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RAGGARWALAX 2/11/2010 9:48AM

    OOHHH Zanna - I can just imagine what you are going through and am sending prayers/thoughts/wishes that you are able to salvage the hard drive. Try not to be too upset and just focus on the positives. I am sure that you will not only survive but come out even stronger.

I'm sure you already know this but try to get a second hard drive and set it up so that it will automatically back up your documents on a nightly basis.

Take care!
Reeta

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PRAIRIECROCUS 2/11/2010 3:24AM

    I am really sorry to hear about your laptop ! I am sure that you are in a state
of shock , now that your trusty laptop has died ! But , like KOMAL53 indicated,
this is just a temporary setback.With your new laptop, you will be able to achieve
much more than before . You will be back , performing all your Sparkpeople activities ,
before you know it ! All the very best for your diss !

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KOMAL53 2/11/2010 12:53AM

    Whoa----take a breath Lady!!!Don't panic---deep a deep breath---and sit still and meditate for a while!!!Everything will WORK OUT!!!Stay calm and don't panic---all your Data will be retrieved and you'll be all set.Unknot your stomach and try to relax---God's looking after you Dear---think of the brighter side!!!
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Vision Collages

Monday, February 08, 2010

I should probably post about my progress (mixed) on The Spark 28 day program, since I just started week 2, but I'd rather talk about vision collages, because I've been thinking a lot about them lately.

When I first came to sparks, I did the questionnaire about my motivations but never took the next step to making a vision collage. Part of that is just that I had a lot on my plate and I just didn't prioritize much time and energy into the vision collage, but part of it was just that I was stumped as to how to progress. I didn't know how to translate the words of my motivations into pictures, or even where to find pictures--the magazines and professional journals I get don't lend themselves to collages very well and I didn't have a clue of how to start looking on line--or what to do with those pictures once I had them. 6 year olds are more adept at collages than I am, I'm afraid.

When I read The Spark, I really understood for the first time why collages are valuable tools, and I wanted to make mine. It moved off the back burner it had simmered on for almost a year and, thanks both to the book and to the book related discussion of the vision collages, I was inspired. I was, however, still stumped as to how to actually go about doing this. I did do some online searching, but without a clear keyword to search for, it wasn't very productive.

My motivations, copied from the questionnaire, which I had printed off ages ago:

Look younger
Wear a swimsuit on the beach (though I should note that I do wear swimsuits; I just don't feel especially attractive in them.)
Firm up what I have
Keep my thighs from rubbing (both humiliating and uncomfortable emoticon)
Have someone tell me I'm beautiful
Look better naked!
Have my clothes fit better
Do more active things with my spouse (also with my friends)
live longer
Have more energy
Not feel/get sick all the time
have a more active lifestyle
Feel and be stronger
Be more confident in myself, with better self esteem
Have people ask if I've lost weight (or at least not make comments like "are you pregnant?" or "your face looks fatter.")
Prove to myself I can do it.

From words to pictures:

While I didn't get very many good pictures, I did get a better idea of what kinds of pictures I find motivating. I would love to get my hands on pictures of beautiful, sexy women with great bodies living their lives--whether that be walking a beach, playing a sport, or going out to the theater. I wanted pictures that said "Beautiful" "Sexy" and "Confident" but NOT "I'm about to strip off my clothes and jump you." Maybe it's because it was the internet, but most of the pictures I saw extremely provocative--and I'm not talking porn sites, but fashion photos and the like. Maybe I'm more of a prude than I like to admit--and I do think it's a good and healthy thing to feel comfortable with your own sexuality--but that overt sexuality just isn't me. I want to be able to wear a swimsuit at the beach and be confident and comfortable in my own skin, not pick up guys. I know there are pictures out there of beautiful, sexy, confdent women, but I didn't have much luck finding them.

I found a lot of picture of women involved with athletics of various kinds, and will probably find a lot more with the Olympics coming up. The main elements I was looking for in the sports pictures were "strength" "fun" and "active," and perhaps "speed" and "endurance." I have no interest in running, so I was concentrating team sports like tennis. My biggest draw back here was that may of the best pictures were copyrighted, and I don't want to infringe on that. Outdoor activities such as canoeing or hiking might also be inspirational, though much as I enjoy them I don't get a lot of chances for those kinds of activities (though I do get to shoot target archery--does that count?).

I did, however, find some really good yoga pictures and a couple of pictures of dancers that I really like.

I love to dance. I think that i have the heart of a dancer, though I lack the body and skill of one. I wish I had learned to dance when I was young--pretty much any kind of dancing. As an adult, I have done Renaissance dancing, La Jarana (Yucatecan folk dance), Latin ballroom (mostly Salsa, Merengue, and Mambo), Swing, Belly dancing, and a little bit of Highland Fling. The only dancing I've ever been any good at is the Renaissance dancing, which is a lot like modern country dancing (say, Scottish Country and Square dancing--which makes sense, since it's their ancestor). But the rest--I lacked the coordination and grace. When I can get past feeling like a self conscious goober, I enjoy dancing a lot--but I'm not any good at it.

Have you ever really taken a look at a professional dancer? They have great bodies--almost always slim, even lean, but not skinny--they have muscles. They are powerful and graceful at the same time. Dancing requires being able to isolate muscles--sometimes muscles we don't use much normally--and move them independently--stomach, hips, shoulders, arms, head. When in a standing pose, they aren't just standing--they are standing with power, poise--feet planted, everything--hands, head, spine--deliberate. It requires rhythm and a sense of music, a sense beyond notes and meter--soul. It requires strength, stamina, and flexibility, but it is that something more--that something that makes it art--that inspires me. Dancing is poetry in motion, and it was really hard to find a still picture that captured even a fraction of the beauty and power in that motion.

Awhile ago, I took a quiz about my fitness goals and interests--I think it was one of the sparks quizzes, though I'm not sure--and it suggested that yoga would be a good fit for me because of the way it combines the mind and body. While I don't think that yoga is sufficient for me to meet my cardio or strength goals by itself, it is one of the few exercise forms I enjoy. It really is a kind of physical meditation--which is not to say that it is easy, because it's not. I can feel the burn of the strength training portions, the ache of the stretches, and hot and sweaty from the aerobic flows. But in the end I feel like I have gone through a kind of a soul dialysis, where my soul has been filtered and replaced, refreshed and whole.

The pictures I have of yoga lack to me the beauty of the dancers, but like the dancers show that coordination of strength, flexibility, and stamina. There is both grace and power in a yoga pose--especially one of the more difficult ones, like firefly where the body is balanced and supported only by your arms (way beyond my skill or ability). but even Mountain--standing with your back straight and feet firmly placed--is not a lazy or relaxed posed--it's powerful and focused stillness. Yoga unites the mind and body, tuning the one to the other while moving with a concentrated coordination.

Beyond a handful of inspirational fitness pictures, I found a few pictures that represent other goals in my life--for writing and finishing my degree, for finding time for my hobbies and for soul maintenance--especially reading and crafts--as well as spiritual maintenance, in the form of religious meditation. But I do not know if I should include those with the healthy living pictures, such as they are--would it be counterproductive to clutter up the visual landscape with images of both reading and dancing? Or is it just a natural result of the fact that I have a very full, even hectic life, with many interests and demands on my time, since fitness and healthy eating aren't supposed to be separate elements of my life, apart from the rest, but an integral part of it.

Anyway, it's a work in progress. At this rate, it will take me the whole 4 weeks just to put it together! At the very least I need more of the right kinds of pictures (four or even five good pictures does not really make a collage), more words, and figure out a way to organize the pictures so that I can display them--and then figure out where I can display them.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MYLOVELYCURVES 2/9/2010 1:43PM

    That's great! I also did the questionnaire about what my main motivations are but never ended up finishing the vision collage. And now I really feel like it's time to do that! It's kind of funny that I happened to be thinking about this just today and you had written an entire blog about it! What a coincidence.

I, too, would love to learn to dance properly. Especially belly dancing really interests me! Maybe one day. And I love yoga, too - I should do it more often! I used to do 45 minutes every day but then I stopped for some odd reason.

Good luck with finding the pictures and finishing the collage!

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RAIN454 2/9/2010 12:58PM

    Aww, so proud of you for attempting this...the vision collage is one of the few things that I have left to do but have never even been able to "click" on because it looks so complicated and time-consuming. I know thats not an excuse and like Reeta said, reading your blog is inspiring me to at least look into it :) So thanks!
Btw, ROFL on envisioning you looking up "sexy women" images online...I can only imagine the sites that must have popped up!!
LOVE YOUR GOALS...

P.S. You ARE beautiful!! :) INSIDE AND OUT!!

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HEATHER_TEACHAH 2/9/2010 5:00AM

    I juuuust finished my vision board and I am posting a picture tonight!! I agree that it is hard to find pictures/words that exactly fit your goals, but its worth looking until you find something that makes you think "YES that is it" You have to make something that is worth looking at and being inspired by every single day.

GOOD LUCK. It will be worth all the work in the end, I promise :)

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KOMAL53 2/9/2010 12:24AM

    Your blog brought back so many things----though we're a generation apart and I could well be your mother!!
I too love dancing,am self concious about my body(no swimsuits),still havent made my collage---like you don't know what to do or where to start!!!Being that much younger than me you're way smarter with the use of this Computer business---I'm scared to venture into uncharted territory---terrifying for folks like me!!!
I love the way you put words---would love to see the Collage when you finally put it up!!!
emoticon emoticon

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RAGGARWALAX 2/8/2010 10:29PM

    Zanna - great blog today! I must say that you echoed a lot of my reasons in why I have also not completed a vision collage! There is a part of me that also thinks that doing a vision collage is not for me, in fact it is something that I don't need to do but also because I am too critical of my own efforts and would feel that it just doesn't compare to ones that others have done.

After reading your blog, I will think about it again but probably won't still be able to act on it until work settles down which is at least another month.

Looking forward to seeing yours!
Reeta

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4-1HEALTHYCYNDI 2/8/2010 5:35PM

    Like you I just put together my vision collage. I didn't do it before because... well just because I guess I found it kind of hokey and I didn't have access to the magazines that would have pictures I could cut out.

So onto the interwebs I went. Found some nice active pictures to inspire me. I am still trying to upload a color version to my spark page (can't figure out how to turn the printed color doc into color pdf. LOL! Anyway keep working at it. I am adding the black & white version to my page today.


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