Saturday, April 21, 2012
Hello all :)
I've decided to keep myself accountable by writing a getting slim diary. I've called it getting slim instead of weight loss, because I'm trying to focus on what I want to be not what I don't want to have.
In the past few weeks, I've been reading a few books that deal with thoughts. The concepts they presented were fascinating for me, because I came to discover how powerful thoughts are in our lives, and how capable our brains are to create or change the world outside of us.
Not only that, it also made me realize why is it so normal and understandable that I have not been able to lose weight all this time.
Simply, I don't THINK I can do it. I can't see it.
When I observed my thoughts during this past week, I realized that food occupies a large chunk of my thinking process. I am constantly thinking of what to eat next, how I shouldn't have ate that, how I'm going to start eating better tomorrow, how fat I look in this skirt, how skinny that person is, or how I should be slim so that I can be successful. 80% of my time was spent in this thinking pattern.
When I examined all these thoughts and connected them with what I had previously read about "thoughts being what you are", it's no wonder I'm fat!
It has grown to become a safe zone for me to think about food and weight. It is safer to think about losing 50 pounds than wondering if I will ever be successful in my major. It is safer to assume that some people mistreat me because I'm fat than because I lack a great personality. It is safer to think of "starting tomorrow" than worrying about something else in the future.
Fat thoughts were a safety net for me, they kept me bubbled in this warm blanket of fat and this fat blanket made me believe and think more fat thoughts.
This week I'm aiming to change that. Every time I catch myself thinking about food or weight or comparing myself to someone else or mind-reading people, or fortune-telling the future, I will stop and say something positive to myself.
I have the cutest smile ever.
I have a wonderful family that adores me.
My hair is so smooth and long.
I am intelligent, smart, and thoughtful.
I make people laugh.
I am kind to others.
I am being healthy.
Next week I'll write down how this affected me.
I'm sure it's going to be an interesting week!
Even though I might find it weird and untrue to tell myself these things, I will continue to do so. Because thoughts determine who I am, and I ain't a fat failure!
Friday, October 21, 2011
My goal for next week is the following:
Follow the minimum of my calorie intake suggested (1250-1300) until Wednesday , and then on Thursday (which is my usual "cheat" day) I won't go above 1800 which is my maximum calorie range.
The past two weeks I've been going much lower than my minimum calorie range during weekdays, and then on Thursday (my weekend) I'd BINGE.
First Thursday it was a 5000 calorie binge, Thursday after that it became 2000. This Thursday I would eat as my nutrition tracker instructs me to!
Wish me luck :D
Sunday, October 16, 2011
hmm.. i'm horrible when it comes to explaining myself, but I'll try.. also -sorry in advance- I talk alot!
You know how it's plain crazy to expect a different/better result doing the same/obviously-not-working things? Well, that's what I've been doing for .. wait for it.. SIX years.
What I've been trying for so long to do is -figure that- lose weight.
Meaning watch my food intake, and my calorie burning.
That hasn't really worked out for me.. I start, i do well, i fall, maybe i get up again maybe i don't, i hate my body, i blame myself, i eat, i start again= Revert back to the same drama = Trying to lose weight.
I don't want to call it "this time" because I don't count all what I've been doing in the past as trials in the first place, but let's just call it that for a second.
This time I don't want to lose weight.. I want to change how I look.
Same thing? Not quite.
What I'm talking about is far more complex than losing weight. I'm talking about CHANGING (Probably that toughest thing a anyone could do). Changing means actually analyzing my life without passing judgement so I can point out what isn't helping me become the person I want - or change the way I look.
To look good, I have to feel great about myself. For so long, feeling great has been my state a few hours I get after eating something, fattening most probably. Food makes me happy! Why would I deny myself something that makes me happy? (That's why the whole calories less/burn more concept wasn't work for me, because it makes some food "bad" when in my mentality it's "good" cuz it makes me feel happy)
See why it's complicated?
Now, it's different.
What I'm trying to do is sloooooowwwwwllllyy and patiently try to change where I derive my happiness from.
Instead of feeling good temporarily after eating a cookie or a slice of pizza then wanting to have more, i want to feel happy doing rewarding things.
My journey now is a quest to discover those "HAPPY REWARDING THINGS".
I can only find out what makes me happy by looking inside me and getting to know myself better. Reading makes me happy. Getting good grades makes me happy. Doing my chores and not procrastinating makes me happy. Laughing with my girls makes me happy. Helping others makes me happy. Talking to my mom makes me happy. Traveling makes me happy. And so much more!
Life is so much beyond food and weight. But we get caught up in these two concepts so deep, that we start looking at everything else through them:
For me, it goes a bit like this for example:
"Going out is a burden not a fun activity because I don't have "anything" to wear (Meaning: I look fat.) unlike my friends, family, etc.. All that is because I'm a fat person with zero willpower and determining failure genes."
Try to get out of your comfort zone much often, that way you'll realize you CAN change the status Quo. You CAN change the way you feel, look, and think about yourself, but it only can happy gradually and slowly.
I think of it as if it's a journey to Disneyland with my best friends.. (think you live faaar)..: I'm going with my best best best friends.. the ones I love the most and Im happy around them. It's a long ride/flight there, but Im having fun along the way! I don't get fed up in the middle of the trip and tell them "guys, this is taking too long, let's go back .. we'll visit it next week, or next month, or next year" .. I don't do that because the trip itself is rewarding!
and I believe "The best is yet to come"..:D
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Four years ago I went on a diet. It was 1100-1200 cals diet depending on how much weight I lost a week. Results like 2 kilos, 3 kilos were normal and expected on the scale. EVERY week.
After 3 months I dropped the diet and stopped everything all together: The eating less, the exercising, the get in shape mentality and gained all the weight back plus much much more.
However, far more worst than the weight, the psychological baggage that I gained from that period is what I regret most.
At that time, what I lived by was the following :
1- More than 1200 calories a day is gluttonous.
2- The scale is supposed to show 1-3 kilos loss a week or else that week is not fruitful.
3- If, god forbid, the scale didn't budge or shows that I only lost a pound (gaining was not optional) then calories are reduced to 900-1000 for the following week.
After those three months were over, despite the weight loss and the positive comments I was hearing from everyone around me, I began to eat again. I just kept eating and eating and feeling those pounds crawling back one by one. For a while I'd feel frustrated and decide to try losing weight again, but the thing is, every time I tried to lose it I immediately expected 1-2 kilos loss a week and nothing less than that would feel like success for me. When it didn't show on the scale, I'd feel frustrated and stop exercising/watching my food intake.
So I kept getting heavier and heavier every month. My tries to lose it always ended the same so it was a difficult cycle of yo-yo dieting.
I couldn't picture myself thin at all. I felt helpless, powerless and weak because I had no control of my life.
Numerous times I would see one of my friends wearing something hot and would tell myself that that's it, I'm starting tomorrow and not stopping until I become thin so I could wear this or that..But of course, it never happened. The cycle just continued like that, which labeled me in my own eyes, as a failure.
I don't have to talk about how being obese affected my life, because I think everyone knows a bit about that.
What I want to write here in this blog is the goals I'm setting for myself today.. 4 years from that. Four years of self-doubting. Four years of struggling with clothes, hearing hurtful comments, watching everyone else losing their weight, hating food but continuously binging and overeating.
I am done with that.
Today I weigh 99 kilos. It is the highest I've ever been, and the highest among anyone in my family, my mother will be very shocked and disappointed if she knew about it.
But it's okay. If this is the number I have to reach in order for me to finally do this right then so be it. I welcome the 99.
I divided the journey to terms. I know people who weigh a lot weight lose a bit more at the beginning so
Thursday 16-6 To Thursday 23-6
Thursday 23-6 To 30-6
Friday 1-7 To Thursday 1-9
Friday 2-9 To Friday 2-12
Friday 2-12 To Friday 2-3
If you have told me weeks ago that I would consent to the idea of losing about 30 kilos in 7 months, I would have said no thank you. If I'm losing weight I'm losing it FAST. (Which of course meant I won't lose it, and those 9 months would pass me by while I'm still fat, maybe fatter.)
So I feel determinately optimistic this time, or optimistically determined. I've been reading everything I can about emotional eating and portion control so I can gradually change my habits one habit at a time. I also know I will face setbacks and obstacles along the way making me feel like giving up.
But that's why I joined Spark People in the first place
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
A list of my favorite songs!
These are the ones that get me so pumped up to jog. When they play, I forget about the treadmill, the gym and the weight.. for minutes :
Breathe - Nickelback
They Don't Care About Us- Michael Jackson
Bang Bang- K'naan ft Adam Levine
The Offspring- You're Gonna Go Far, Kid
Eminem- Rabbit Run & Till I Collapse
Sum 41- Over My Head
Three Days Grace- Riot
Outcast- Hey Ya
3 Doors Down- It's Not My Time
My favorite motivational Songs and the specific phrases that I love in them. They keep me moving when I sometimes have the urge to stop:
B.O.B- Magic .."I've got the magic in me" Yes I DO!
Bon Jovi- It's My Life .. "It's now or never, I ain't gonna live forever"
Coldplay- Vida la Vida.. "People couldn't believe what I've come" -
That's what's going to happen once I shed these pounds!
Fort Minor- Remember the Name.. "This is 10% luck, 20% skill, 15% concentrate and power of will, 5% pleasure, 50% pain and a 100% reasons to remember the name"
Although I think our journey's pleasure is way more than 5% ;)
Yolanda Adams- I believe.. "You can reach your goals, just talk to your soul and say I believe I can! I believe I will! I believe I know all of my dreams are real!"
Shakira ft. Lil Wayne- Give it up to me.. "You can have it all.. Anything you want you can make it yours!"
West Side Story- I feel pretty.. "And I pity, any girl who isn't me tonight!"
Destiny's Child- Survivor .. "I'm not gonna give up, I'm not gonna stop, I'm gonna work harder. I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it!"
Nicki Minaj ft. Rihanna - Fly.. "Cry my eyes out for days upon days, such a heavy burden placed upon me. But when you go hard your nay’s become yay’s"
Airplanes [Eminem part]: "He hoped and he wished it but it didn't fall in his lap so he ain't even here, he pretends that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars" This reminds me that if it's going to happen, I've gotta work hard to make it happen.
Christopher Mae- Ne m'abandonne pas .. "Alors ne m'abandonne pas, non, ne me laisse pas, ma vie se balance et se joue avec toi!" (So don't abandon me, no, don't leave me, my life is balanced and joyful with you! *Roughly*)
Jimmy Cliff- You can get it if you really want.. "You can get it if you really want but you must try try and try try and try, you'll succeed at last.. I know it"
He knows it.. I know it :D
Kevin Rudolph- I made it.. "I used to dream about, the life I'm living now. I know there's no doubt: I made it I made it!"
I always close my eyes and imagine a naturally slimmer healthier version of me. It's refreshing!
Soprano- Hiro.. "Je serais parti voir Martin Luther King Après son discours, lui montrer la photo de Barack Obama. J’aurais été au temple d’Harlem Pousser Malcolm de la scène avant qu’une balle- I would have left to see Martin Luther King after his speech, show him the photo of Barack Obama. I would have been in the temple of Harlem, push Malcolm of the scene before a bullet reaches him " (Malcom X and M.L.K just inspire me)
Natasha Bedingfield- Strip me .. "I'm only one voice in a million but you ain't taking that from me!"
Jessie J- Who you are.. "Dreaming is believing, its okay not be okay. Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart, but this don't mean you're losing everybody's bruising there's nothing wrong with who you are"
This says it all when I'm facing a setback!
Yann Tiersen- Comptine D'un Autre Ete/L'apres-Midi (Music.. beyond inspirational)
That's basically it! What are your favorites? Are any of those your favorite too?
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