Saturday, September 06, 2014
So there I am, sitting at a wedding, waiting for it to start, when it dawned on me: I am, again and forever, the fattest person here. We get to the reception, and my husband didn't want to be the first in line for the dinner. So we were the second couple instead. And we sit down and all the people are filing into the hall and it hits me again: I am the fattest person here.
All these country people eating platefuls of food, going back for seconds, effortlessly thin. And here I am, carefully eating one small serving of the potatoes, baked beans, green beans, briscuit. No cake, no punch, no seconds. Effortlessly NOT thin.
After 4 1/2 weeks of counting calories (staying below 1500) and NOT weighing because the scale always discourages me, I actually was letting myself get excited. I'm not dieting. I'm making changes to my life. I'm 53 years old for heaven's sakes. No more wasting time for me! And then here I am now, all feeling sorry for myself, because even though clothes are looser, and I know it's working, it will take forever to lose this weight.
I muddled along at around 300 for a few years until my doctor put me on Abilify. I gained 50 pounds in 4 months. I am now OFF of the medication but the doctor, of course, won't give me anything to help me lose that weight. I feel--angry about it.
How excited I was to share my piddly little successes and how frustrated and helpless I feel now!
I'm just so tired of feeling guilty every time I eat, or even THINK of eating. I'm tired of hating myself, my obvious lack of control, my clothes, all spotted and stretched, I'm just tired of it all. Makes me not want to go out in public again for a long long time.
I've been hermiting all summer as it is. Not answering the phone, only going to the grocery store. It just really burns me that I gained so much weight on that stupid medication. My husband said 'How can a little pill make you gain weight?' and I wanted to punch him. What he's really saying is 'You are just using that as an excuse for your fatness'.
No worries, troublesome as this evening is/was, I am not going to run into the kitchen to try and make myself feel better. If there is ONE thing I have learned on this weight loss journey that began oh so many years ago, is that eating does not make the pain go away. After I'm done eating, all my problems are still there.
But oh, how I wish I could just be done with it all.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Was a good week. Walked every single day. Monday is the beginning of my running program that I'm cobbling together. I'm very excited! I am going to make a note to remind myself to stretch afterwards. I always forget.
Today is grocery shopping day but I just can't seem to get myself motivated to get in the shower and head out. Or make a list. Just feel super tired. Stayed up late last night watching tv, which I never ever watch tv so it was a different evening. I purposely did NOT look at the clock when I went to bed, didn't want to freak myself out.
Been having indigestion last couple of days.
My eating hasn't been what I want, but I'm not going to stress. I'm very proud of the walking everyday. Things will all come together. I've always been so strict with myself in the past, and if I stepped out of line ONE TIME well that was it, it was over, and I threw it all out the window. Well not now. I mess up, eat more than I wanted, well then okay, we start over right then. I am not going to give up.
Finally starting to feel better. Still a little bit of a cough, and a little congestion, and everyday I have more energy. Since before Christmas, I've had 2 weeks of wellness. Which is not very much. So now I really want to make sure I take care of myself, rest, eat well, to build my immune system back up. I hate getting older. Sickness is so different. Whether it hits hard or slow, it takes for EVER to get better.
Think I'm going to head out and enjoy the sunshine on a walk.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Day started fairly well until my daughter showed up with fresh donuts from the bakery she works at. So I ate 2. And honestly added them to my calorie tracker. Then my husband took me out to dinner. The last time I went out to dinner with my husband was last year, so I cheerfully went to A&W Root Beer with him, and even splurged and had root beer! In an icy mug, no less. Cheeseburger and fries were delish.
I could have not had any donuts at all. If I weren't human. I could have eaten half of my food for dinner but I was literally starving to death. I could be kicking myself all over the place for eating 'bad' foods but I can't do that, put food into categories. It's all good, it's the portion sizes that I struggle with.
I AM NOT ASHAMED.
Had a good walk today, 1 mile the route mapper said, and was easier than yesterday. Soon I'll be back up to 2.5 miles. AND I start running on Monday, I am so very excited about that! My own modified version of C25K.
I guess I should be working on strengthening my core, which is a ton of abdominal exercises. I can do that.
And the next time my daughter brings donuts I am eating ONE.
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
Managed to squeeze a walk in between the rain tapering off and before evening fell. Walked a mile. Weird how hard it is! Here I was so used to walking 2.5 miles daily. I have been sick so long, pretty much since before Christmas. My body is just weak, and draggy. So I went to bed at 8:30 and slept so well!!!
Made cookies yesterday, ate 4!!! Counted each at 100 cal, and I have no idea how accurate that is. I really dislike any time that I don't eat in a controlled manner. It's one thing to sit down with 1 cookie with 1 cup of milk and it's another thing to cram stuff in my mouth like a crazed woman. I hate feeling out of control when it comes to food, hate giving the food the power over me. I have so many people taking lunch every day, I refuse to put store bought junk in their lunches. Cookies may not be what some would say healthy, but they're made by me, with love, and I feel better about that.
I like how even after I ate those cookies, I didn't throw the whole day away, giving myself an excuse to eat like a pig. I just added them to my day, and went on.
Sometimes it's hard figuring out calories for foods I make. Like in stromboli. I use a packaged mix, adding my own cheese and pepperoni, but then there's the sauce too. I generally add up all the calories and divide by 8 but still--!! I just ate 1/2 of a serving, and it was enough. I'm not going to be super hard on myself, because I just got back into actually logging my calories and exercise. I'm not going to be perfect from the get go. The more I do this, the better I'll get.
I just cannot let myself gain weight, be what I was before. Huge. Busting out of all my incredibly large, stretched out clothing. Never able to take the stairs without a lot of trouble. Getting out of breath and having to fan myself big time from going up/down those said stairs. Basically any exertion causing me to get out of breath. Being hot all the time, and never wearing a coat, even in the coldest of winters because 1. I'm always hot and 2. I have no coat to fit me.
This how blogging helps, I believe, keeping the dream alive. Keeping the focus on the day-to-day counting calories and exercising.
See, I lost 92 blogging, counting calories and exercising. And I gained back 30-40 pounds (not sure how much, just estimating) by NOT doing any of that. No no, I didn't even maintain. I didn't eat enough food to keep me at the same weight, I ate MORE. So here I am, my new clothes are starting to be tight on me, rings tight, and I am horrified, simply horrified. And the slide started with me not blogging, because I was actually getting followers, and I was embarrassed at all my slipups. Ashamed to admit before the world that their perfect weight loss example wasn't all she was cracked up to be. I tried to take it in stride, chalking it up to another day and moving on, but secretly, in my heart, I hated myself. Why Why Why can't I be consistent? Perfect in my food? I was for several months, actually, until a day 5 months in when I started having this intense craving for liquid chocolate. And instead of just having it and moving on I let it control me for a week, no, I never had the liquid chocolate, but just the thought that this could happen, that I was still under the power of food, destroyed everything. There was a slow erosion beginning on my self confidence. Every time I weighed and I had lost weight, I was surprised. I didn't deserve to lose weight. And that continued on down the path to where I am now, struggling to get back on plan. I have never actually 'given up', stopping all weight loss efforts. But I wasn't consistent, and recorded nothing.
Well. Now I record everything I put in my mouth. I log my exercise. And I blog. I am not going to blog on my official blog anymore. I felt such pressure, and why I have no idea. Here my blog will pass my relatively unnoticed, being read by at most a few people. There are just so many blogs here!!!
I can keep myself on track and not feel obligated to my adoring public. Har.
So today I look at those cookies with distaste in my heart. But I will have something chocolate with lunch, just probably not a cookie. Probably a square of Ghirardelli 60% cacao chocolate. Yummmm. Man that hits the spot.
Okay I forgive myself for eating stupid cookies yesterday. Actually I forgive myself for eating 3 of them and tasting the dough. One was what I allotted for myself so I'm not sorry for that one. I added them all to my day, who am I trying to deceive with not logging everything? Myself? Stupid.
Making wise choices today. And I will never give up.
Monday, March 07, 2011
Started almost 2 years ago. Then life seemed to grab me, pull me in, and I lost focus. No other way to explain how I could start living the way I used to--those horrid feelings of hopelessness, despair, hatred towards myself and my lack of character. I had thought those days were gone, but here they were again, crowding everything else out. I have never completely given up, but the consistency, never my strong point, was not there.
Finally had to just shake myself HARD. I'm going to be 50 years old on my next birthday. The days for having that beautiful taut body are gone, and I have to ask myself, how do I want the end of my life to be? It is all in my hands, and I have wasted so much time.
So even though the flu lingers on in my body, I chose today as THE DAY. Mapped my walking route, planned my food, and was off! So far today:
Did 3 sets of 3 different kinds of crunches
Walked for 30 minutes--about 1 mile
have eaten around 1000 calories so far, and it's 2 PM
My goal is to eat 500 cal more today.
I do not know how much I weigh. My scale thankfully uses weird batteries and is dead at the moment. I have a feeling I'm around 300 or so. I have decided that I want to be below 200 by my birthday, October 24. I'm not as worried about pounds this time, and not as embarrassed to have myself measured. So measure myself I will.
Decided that I needed the support and encouragement of Spark People, the calorie tracker, the fitness tracker, all of it. How glad I am that there is so much help to be found!
Pretty confident that this blog will pass under everyone's radar, so I can write with freedom.
I'm back, baby, and I'm here to stay!
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