Saturday, March 12, 2011
Was a good week. Walked every single day. Monday is the beginning of my running program that I'm cobbling together. I'm very excited! I am going to make a note to remind myself to stretch afterwards. I always forget.
Today is grocery shopping day but I just can't seem to get myself motivated to get in the shower and head out. Or make a list. Just feel super tired. Stayed up late last night watching tv, which I never ever watch tv so it was a different evening. I purposely did NOT look at the clock when I went to bed, didn't want to freak myself out.
Been having indigestion last couple of days.
My eating hasn't been what I want, but I'm not going to stress. I'm very proud of the walking everyday. Things will all come together. I've always been so strict with myself in the past, and if I stepped out of line ONE TIME well that was it, it was over, and I threw it all out the window. Well not now. I mess up, eat more than I wanted, well then okay, we start over right then. I am not going to give up.
Finally starting to feel better. Still a little bit of a cough, and a little congestion, and everyday I have more energy. Since before Christmas, I've had 2 weeks of wellness. Which is not very much. So now I really want to make sure I take care of myself, rest, eat well, to build my immune system back up. I hate getting older. Sickness is so different. Whether it hits hard or slow, it takes for EVER to get better.
Think I'm going to head out and enjoy the sunshine on a walk.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Day started fairly well until my daughter showed up with fresh donuts from the bakery she works at. So I ate 2. And honestly added them to my calorie tracker. Then my husband took me out to dinner. The last time I went out to dinner with my husband was last year, so I cheerfully went to A&W Root Beer with him, and even splurged and had root beer! In an icy mug, no less. Cheeseburger and fries were delish.
I could have not had any donuts at all. If I weren't human. I could have eaten half of my food for dinner but I was literally starving to death. I could be kicking myself all over the place for eating 'bad' foods but I can't do that, put food into categories. It's all good, it's the portion sizes that I struggle with.
I AM NOT ASHAMED.
Had a good walk today, 1 mile the route mapper said, and was easier than yesterday. Soon I'll be back up to 2.5 miles. AND I start running on Monday, I am so very excited about that! My own modified version of C25K.
I guess I should be working on strengthening my core, which is a ton of abdominal exercises. I can do that.
And the next time my daughter brings donuts I am eating ONE.
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
Managed to squeeze a walk in between the rain tapering off and before evening fell. Walked a mile. Weird how hard it is! Here I was so used to walking 2.5 miles daily. I have been sick so long, pretty much since before Christmas. My body is just weak, and draggy. So I went to bed at 8:30 and slept so well!!!
Made cookies yesterday, ate 4!!! Counted each at 100 cal, and I have no idea how accurate that is. I really dislike any time that I don't eat in a controlled manner. It's one thing to sit down with 1 cookie with 1 cup of milk and it's another thing to cram stuff in my mouth like a crazed woman. I hate feeling out of control when it comes to food, hate giving the food the power over me. I have so many people taking lunch every day, I refuse to put store bought junk in their lunches. Cookies may not be what some would say healthy, but they're made by me, with love, and I feel better about that.
I like how even after I ate those cookies, I didn't throw the whole day away, giving myself an excuse to eat like a pig. I just added them to my day, and went on.
Sometimes it's hard figuring out calories for foods I make. Like in stromboli. I use a packaged mix, adding my own cheese and pepperoni, but then there's the sauce too. I generally add up all the calories and divide by 8 but still--!! I just ate 1/2 of a serving, and it was enough. I'm not going to be super hard on myself, because I just got back into actually logging my calories and exercise. I'm not going to be perfect from the get go. The more I do this, the better I'll get.
I just cannot let myself gain weight, be what I was before. Huge. Busting out of all my incredibly large, stretched out clothing. Never able to take the stairs without a lot of trouble. Getting out of breath and having to fan myself big time from going up/down those said stairs. Basically any exertion causing me to get out of breath. Being hot all the time, and never wearing a coat, even in the coldest of winters because 1. I'm always hot and 2. I have no coat to fit me.
This how blogging helps, I believe, keeping the dream alive. Keeping the focus on the day-to-day counting calories and exercising.
See, I lost 92 blogging, counting calories and exercising. And I gained back 30-40 pounds (not sure how much, just estimating) by NOT doing any of that. No no, I didn't even maintain. I didn't eat enough food to keep me at the same weight, I ate MORE. So here I am, my new clothes are starting to be tight on me, rings tight, and I am horrified, simply horrified. And the slide started with me not blogging, because I was actually getting followers, and I was embarrassed at all my slipups. Ashamed to admit before the world that their perfect weight loss example wasn't all she was cracked up to be. I tried to take it in stride, chalking it up to another day and moving on, but secretly, in my heart, I hated myself. Why Why Why can't I be consistent? Perfect in my food? I was for several months, actually, until a day 5 months in when I started having this intense craving for liquid chocolate. And instead of just having it and moving on I let it control me for a week, no, I never had the liquid chocolate, but just the thought that this could happen, that I was still under the power of food, destroyed everything. There was a slow erosion beginning on my self confidence. Every time I weighed and I had lost weight, I was surprised. I didn't deserve to lose weight. And that continued on down the path to where I am now, struggling to get back on plan. I have never actually 'given up', stopping all weight loss efforts. But I wasn't consistent, and recorded nothing.
Well. Now I record everything I put in my mouth. I log my exercise. And I blog. I am not going to blog on my official blog anymore. I felt such pressure, and why I have no idea. Here my blog will pass my relatively unnoticed, being read by at most a few people. There are just so many blogs here!!!
I can keep myself on track and not feel obligated to my adoring public. Har.
So today I look at those cookies with distaste in my heart. But I will have something chocolate with lunch, just probably not a cookie. Probably a square of Ghirardelli 60% cacao chocolate. Yummmm. Man that hits the spot.
Okay I forgive myself for eating stupid cookies yesterday. Actually I forgive myself for eating 3 of them and tasting the dough. One was what I allotted for myself so I'm not sorry for that one. I added them all to my day, who am I trying to deceive with not logging everything? Myself? Stupid.
Making wise choices today. And I will never give up.
Monday, March 07, 2011
Started almost 2 years ago. Then life seemed to grab me, pull me in, and I lost focus. No other way to explain how I could start living the way I used to--those horrid feelings of hopelessness, despair, hatred towards myself and my lack of character. I had thought those days were gone, but here they were again, crowding everything else out. I have never completely given up, but the consistency, never my strong point, was not there.
Finally had to just shake myself HARD. I'm going to be 50 years old on my next birthday. The days for having that beautiful taut body are gone, and I have to ask myself, how do I want the end of my life to be? It is all in my hands, and I have wasted so much time.
So even though the flu lingers on in my body, I chose today as THE DAY. Mapped my walking route, planned my food, and was off! So far today:
Did 3 sets of 3 different kinds of crunches
Walked for 30 minutes--about 1 mile
have eaten around 1000 calories so far, and it's 2 PM
My goal is to eat 500 cal more today.
I do not know how much I weigh. My scale thankfully uses weird batteries and is dead at the moment. I have a feeling I'm around 300 or so. I have decided that I want to be below 200 by my birthday, October 24. I'm not as worried about pounds this time, and not as embarrassed to have myself measured. So measure myself I will.
Decided that I needed the support and encouragement of Spark People, the calorie tracker, the fitness tracker, all of it. How glad I am that there is so much help to be found!
Pretty confident that this blog will pass under everyone's radar, so I can write with freedom.
I'm back, baby, and I'm here to stay!
Friday, August 21, 2009
**This is a copy of what I posted today on my official blog. To all those who have been emailing me, wondering where I am, I am still floating around cyber space! I am still persevering, just don't come to spark anymore. Come visit my blog at www.zaaisshrinking.blogspot.com You'll be glad you did!**
Friday, August 21, 2009
Day 95--Weigh Day and I Completely Missed my 3 month anniversary and coming out of the closet
Walked my daughter to school, then headed up to the clinic to weigh. I have lost 5 more pounds bringing my total to 41 pounds lost! I didn't have my blood pressure taken, they were overflowing with patients.
And how in the world did I forget that Wednesday, August 19th, was my 3 month anniversary for completely overhauling my life? May 19th was my 'click' day. My decision to lost 200 pounds was the best thing I ever did. Ever. At the time, it seemed almost impossible, but look, only 3 months in and I'm down 41 pounds! Suddenly the world is such a perfect place. Some words from when I was a baby: Day 10:
Exciting, yes? Everyone says this is what you are supposed to do, journal while you lose weight, so I am succumbing to peer pressure and adding my own ramblings to the plethora of weightloss blogs out in the cosmos.
Tonight I walked with my buddy down the street. Had to pause 3 times to catch our breath! So glad she is willing to go with me, I'd hate to have to go alone.
I really have no way to judge how many calories I am eating right now. I guess I'll have to figure that out soon, right? So far I am attempting to eat when I am truly hungry and limit my portions. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. There are just days when nothing satisfies, you know?
I know this: I never ever want to go back to the depression and discouragement that was my life before now. I had just basically given up. I know I needed to lose weight; I'm 47, and it is only going to get worse, but the sense of failure was so strong. I have tried off and on through the years but when I would mess up ONE TIME well, that was it, I was a failure, I knew I could never lose weight, and it was all over.
So my first two big goals are thus: to walk everyday, and to not give up. NEVER GIVE UP NEVER SURRENDER!
When I go back and read those first posts, it's like reading someone else's story. I have come a long way since then. Where will I end up? My life changes daily. You know what I did yesterday?
* walked my daughter to school, then did my 2.5 miles. Walking in the morning is so lovely
* walked and picked her up
* walked 2.5 miles in the evening as usual.
I WALKED FIVE (5) MILES YESTERDAY. Absolutely mind boggling. Me! Walking 5 miles! And I enjoyed it. I really did. Which is just as mind boggling! Who would have figured that I would even be physically capable of this!
You know what I would have done if I hadn't changed my life?
* Had my older kids walk with my daughter to and from school
* gone out to eat to celebrate the first day of school
* sat at the computer and ate whatever whenever I felt like it
* completely and totally hated myself for being so fat and getting fatter everyday
I will take my new life over my old life HANDS DOWN.
So you found my blog? And you are reading it and enjoying it? Well let me tell you this: the hope of being thin and lovely is there for you too. You are not stuck, doomed, a prisoner in your body. You CAN lose weight. You can walk. You can count calories. Because if I can do this, you can too. I have not been under 200 pounds in 20 years, 300 in 10 years. I have gotten bigger and slower and sadder and more depressed as the years went by, and now. Now I am reversing it all by eating 1500 calories a day and walking. This is so doable! I know a lot of people eat super healthy foods and I am very happy for them but I eat exactly what I want. It's just portion controlled. And you can too! I just had to type all that.
Tonight I'm making tacos. There's a big Jamboree tonight at the football stadium. Three games in a row. Some of my kids are going, others aren't.
I did something today I haven't done in a long time. After I got home this morning I WENT BACK TO BED. Yes. I slept all day. Shhh don't tell my husband! I was just so tired you know? Last night when I walked I was just so mad at everyone, for various reasons. I walked by myself and thought about how much I hated everyone (not really but that was just how I felt) and how angry I was with them all for stupid things. And you know what? When I was done I wasn't angry anymore. Okay this has never happened to me. I knew exercise helped your mood but this was the first time. And now that I am physically capable of exercise I have something to turn to when I want to strangle each and every one of my kids and husband. Please don't think I would really do that because I wouldn't. It's just a saying so don't report Zaa to the division of family services.
My oldest son wanted to know my blog address and I was a bit freaked to give him the address because I am so freaking embarrassed about my weight! None of my family knows how much my starting weight was or how much it is now or anything about my blog. Until today. I have come out of the closet. So to all who come read my blog /wave and don't judge me.
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