Monday, February 27, 2012
I don't recommend it for everyone, but it's sure helped jumpstart my weight loss again!! After over a year of being stuck fluctuating between 193 and 197 (up from a low of 166), I was depressed and having a hard time controlling my cravings, and woe and behold, if I ate ONE of my triggers, I could NOT STOP until either they were finished, or I was sick (fairly easy, as "dumping" is a side-effect of Gastric Bypass surgery). But that weight just crept on while I was sidelined and unable to exercise for what I call "The Year of Surgeries and Major Injuries". I spoke to the PA in my WLS surgeon's office, and like my PCP, she was concerned that I was suffering from an episode of clinical depression.... and at this point in time, I had to agree that might be true. So, I researched the anti-depressants that were least likely to be linked to Diabetes Type II and also to weight gain, and there was actually one which met both of those criteria IN ADDITION to being frequently prescribed to help people reduce cravings and control addictive behaviors.... both of which I can fall prey to. I began taking it almost a month ago, and I can't believe how helpful it's been in doing just that. I can now walk by they candy bowls, and although I might have a fleeting thought that it would be nice to have just one piece, I also recognize that "just one piece" is not an option for me - I have to think a little like an AA member - you can never have "just one drink"....
So, in one month, I'm down nearly 12 pounds, and it hasn't been really hard. Of course, I'm on a strictly controlled program as well.... I get either a protein snack or bar in the morning and in the evening, two protein shakes during the day, and a regular lunch with non-starchy vegetables. It works for me. I have some tasty protein snack choices from Bariatric Advantage's KetogenX program, and also "Better Balance Protein Snacks" from Max Muscle, in addition to the Atkins protein bars, and my own surgeon's FullBites snacks. My calorie intake right now hovers right around 850 or so, and I'm back at the gym exercising regularly. So, the weight is coming off. I guess 12 pounds in a month isn't bad, but I'd like to see at least 5 pounds a week....
But, my body will do what my body will do. One thing though.... and it's a non-scale victory.... months and months ago, I bought a pair of Gloria Vanderbilt "blingy" jeans in a size 12, and it must be a SMALL size 12.... because all my other 12's are getting too big, but these were still soo tight that I couldn't even get them close to being zipped. This morning - THEY ZIPPED!!! I'm so jazzed!
Blessed be my surgeon and his support staff! I love them and give all honor to them for giving me a second chance at life - at the age of 55. And now, at 58, I not getting older, I'm getting waaaay better!
Love to all,
Saturday, February 04, 2012
I caught this on Facebook this morning.... and it just gripped me and slapped me upside the head.... look at this little guy! What an inspiration!! What a little hero! I complain because it's TOO HARD, and look at what he's doing!!
I will never complain again without thinking of this little guy. If he can do it, I can do it.... whatever IT is!
Blessed be, little one. May your life be one success after another, and may no one ever tell you "you can't".
Friday, February 03, 2012
I don't know.... it seems like I do nothing BUT hard work. I work an extended day at my regular job so that I may have every other Friday off. When I come home, my partner immediately wants to eat. Then, I have maybe an hour to "clean out" my email and do other stuff that *I* need to do (including washing my dinner dishes) before my partner wants me to come and watch TV with her, or it's time for me to go to the gym, which has been mandated by my bariatric surgeon. When I get to the gym, I'm not one of these people who can do 30 minutes and leave.... I put in a whole 30 minutes on the treadmill, plus cool down, and 30 more minutes on the stationary bike, plus cool down. Then, I try to do some strength training like leg presses, and triceps kick backs, and resistance band stuff, lat pulldowns, etc. I should also be "swimming" or water jogging, but sometimes there just isn't enough time to do that, too. HARD WORK. I get home about 9:30 - 10:00 pm, just in time to fall into bed and get up at 4:45 in the morning to go to my job again. On weekends, up until recently, it seemed that we would spend ALL Saturday shopping. We'd hit WalMart for the bulk of the stuff because it's so much cheaper, then King Soopers for things WalMart doesn't carry, like CarbMaster Yogurt and Polanner Sugar-Free Preserves with Fiber and higher quality fruits and vegetables, and then Safeway for Lucerne low fat and fat free cottage cheese. That left Sunday for doing something Debe needed to do so she doesn't feel so house bound. So, virtually no time for me to do what I need to do. In the past few weeks that has changed as Debe has taken to doing the shopping by herself on the way home from her medical Qi Gong appointment on Sundays, which is really helpful and gives me a couple of hours to do what I want to do, but usually that's trying to clear out my email, which doesn't get me my new rosaries made.... :-\ I am suffering from quite a bit of frustration, and not a little bit of self-pity, combined with a little bit of depression (from being peri-menopausal, I think).... and that, along with an addictive personality (if I put just ONE chocolate or piece of taffy or tablespoon of sunflower kernals in my mouth, I will keep going back until they are gone), is giving me trouble in coping with staying on "the path". It is TRULY hard work staying on the path. But, I have options. I have support groups, registered dieticians I can work with, stuff like that. AND, I am down 5 pounds since my visit with my surgeon the day before Thanksgiving. That helps a little bit.... but 5 pounds in 2 months just isn't good enough for me. It should be 8 pounds or more in 2 months.... and so I stuggle.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Nine years ago, I was in the depths of a depression so profound that I couldn’t see an end to it. I went from being an active, involved, dedicated priestess to someone so desolate that I could not connect with the Goddess in any way. No matter how hard I tried, no matter what kind of ritual I devised, no matter how many candles I lit or meditations I did, I could not feel Her presence, and that void added to the devastation.
At 49 years of age, I was dreading the approach of my 50th birthday, and alternately experienced anger, fear and denial. I didn’t know why these feelings bombarded me. There was no one thing I could pin them on. I just knew that I didn’t want a celebration, didn’t want gifts, didn’t want recognition of any kind for this major milestone in my life. As my birthday neared, I got progressively more angry. I even began having thoughts of suicide. Oh, I never would have actually gone through with ending my life because I had a daughter who was pregnant and needed her mother, but the depression and anger were so overwhelming that I actually began to envision how I would “do it” if only I could. I sought out professional help. Medication took the edge off, but I still could not connect with the Goddess – the guiding principle of my life – the source of my serenity and strength.
Finally, and in a move that was unusual for me, I reached out to an acquaintance – another Goddess-woman well-known in our community and well into her Cronehood. Although we were not close friends, we had connected on a deeper-than-normal level, and during the few times we’d met, she had picked up on some significant information about me – information that when voiced in the form of two questions, would rip the black cloud from over my head, and allow the sunlight to illuminate those dark corners of my psyche. Sue asked me – “What does “fifty” look like to you?” Immediately, I replied – “My grandmother!” And her next question was like a bucket of cold water being thrown on me – “And didn’t you tell me that you pretty much can’t STAND your grandmother??”
Oh my Goddess!!! Suddenly, it was crystal clear. I truly loathed my grandmother, and had since I was a young child. She was what I call a “plastic” Christian….constantly plugged in to a transistor radio, listening to religious talk shows and music all day long. She was the most judgmental person I’d ever met, and no matter what he did, my beloved Grandfather could not make her happy. Her oldest son (my father) ran away from home and joined the service at the age of 15, and ended up married 4 times, and none of his wives could stomach her. Her daughter had a baby out of wedlock, and ended up marrying a man my grandmother absolutely hated. Her youngest son, always sickly, suffered from depression so disabling that he was the first person in the United States to have cryo-surgery on his brain to “kill” areas suspected to be the seat of the emotions. Eventually, at the age of 42, he gently but permanently ended his own pain. As a matter of fact, my grandmother is, single-handedly, the reason I left the church and never looked back when I was 34 years old.
My angst about turning 50 was all about my fear of suddenly becoming my grandmother! She was 50 years old the first time I remember ever seeing her and experiencing the instant and intuitive dislike and distrust of a child! Facing that demon, and bringing it out into the light, was incredibly liberating. Within minutes, the anger had dissipated, the fear evaporated, and the denial became acceptance. I felt lighter than air, and all of a sudden, I could FEEL the Goddess smiling at me. I’d been willing to open that door, I just needed help to find it, and the Goddess sent me that help in the person of Sue Ware, the wise Crone.
Now, I prepare joyfully, but also a little ruefully, to embrace the Crone emerging in myself. In less than a month, I will begin to experience my second Saturn return….the receiving of wisdom. Actually, it will be more like the acknowledging of wisdom gained over years of experience walking the paths of the Goddess in her many guises. I have been practicing being Crone by accepting that I am a POWERFUL woman, that I do indeed have the wisdom and knowledge necessary to teach and counsel others. I have truly become WITCH – Woman In Total Control of Herself. I fear nothing and no one. I know that I have within me the means to survive anything that might happen. I know that I have the power to CREATE my own reality. I can and will HEX as well as HEAL. I have learned to listen for and HEAR the voice of the Goddess when she is speaking.
I am also learning to walk and dance comfortably in and out of the shadows, because contrary to generally accepted ideology, the darkness is a place of rest, gestation, birth and rebirth. As Ruth Barrett says, I am deepening into myself, venturing more often into the place between the worlds, where the past, present, and future exist simultaneously. I walk my inner labyrinth, spiraling towards the center where I pause, listening for the voices of those who have gone before me, and to the voices of those yet to come. And when I have absorbed the gifts and messages they impart, I spiral back out again, bringing with me a greater appreciation for the process of endings, and new beginnings. For truly, there is no dawn without the dusk, no summer without the winter, no joy without pain, no planting without harvesting. So speaks the Crone!
"Maiden - Mother - Crone" Rosary
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Well, today is the 4th day this week that I've been to the gym. I'm really committed right now, to getting this 30 pounds off. I mean, dammit, I was down to 166, which was 4 pounds BELOW my surgeon's goal for me, and then what with the back surgery, the broken kneecap and wrist, and the shoulder surgery, I was sidelined for over a year and couldn't exercise. So that, along with a couple of co-workers who keep bowls of my favorite candy on their desks (just 4 steps from MINE), and my total lack of willpower, have contributed to the creeping back on of 30 pounds and I WILL NOT HAVE IT!!!
I'm going to exercise and burn off all the excess calories, and tone up the flab that has re-appeared during the last 14 months.... and I'm gonna get BACK into that size 8 pair of designer jeans my daughter gave me, and I'm going to feel better for doing it!!! Yes, my abs are sore from the crunches that they haven't done in almost 18 months, and my hamstrings are sore from all the walking and bike riding and swimming, and my arms are sore from all the band and dumbell work.... but ahhhhh...... it hurts so good! I know that this soreness is my body coming back to life, and my muscles waking up again, and I know that the effort to do this is going to pay off in more energy, less stress, better tone, and faster weight loss.
I'm ready. Don't get in my way, world.... I'm doing this for me!! I'm loving myself, and this is how I'm showing it!
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