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Happy Mother's Day! Well, NOT really!

Sunday, May 09, 2010

Today is one of the worse "holidays" for me. Today is Mother's Day. Why is this such a hard day for me? I am not, nor never have been, close to either of my mother's.

Yes, I've had (got) two mother's. I was raised a foster child, and *adopted at age 30 (no that is NOT a typo), *at my request, and yet i don't speak to either of them. Haven't seen nor heard from them in years. My birth mother thinks of me as DEAD! My adopted mom and i don't speak nor do i care to. Long story there!

The pain is horrible of not having a mother. I long so badly for a mom. I have even thought of putting an ad in the paper asking if anyone, preferrably someone without children of her own and may have always wanted them, would want to adopt me. Love me and i would love her in return. I would want nothing from her other than her love. I would want to give to her and spoil her rotten. This is pretty sad actually of wanting to put an ad in the paper but i don't know how else to go about it.

Have i done that? NO! Doesn't really seem feasible, not to mention the cost. Plus who on earth does something like that anyway. There has to be another way to find a mom! I just don't know what that is.

I tell my therapist that she would have it easy really because i'm potty trained, can feed myself, am schooled, early fifties, even married so she'd have a son in law. :) What more could one lucky woman want! (grinning big writing that).

I just have a HUGE hole in my soul, in my heart, that i know only a mother could fill. To think i may die with that hole never filled, sickens me, brings me to tears.

So, this is why (in a nutshell) that Mother's Day is so hard for me and will always be if and when i, too, can find a mother to both love and be loved from. If you are out there in the world somewhere, i pray that someday God will bring us together!

Happy Mother's Day wherever you are!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CHEVY63 5/9/2010 12:15PM

    I am so sorry that you are dealing with this pain. I hope this day goes well for you. emoticon

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YORKIESRUS 5/9/2010 12:13PM

    Polyanasunshine: Thanks so much for your kind words! They do mean a lot to me.

Curvycc: I'm so sorry to hear of your mom's death in November. You are so right about the love of God! I couldn't agree more on that one.

Nbjaggal: Sorry to hear about your mom's death too.

Hugs to you all!

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JDYJMM2000 5/9/2010 12:09PM

  I know the feeling. I found mine through my church. I have friends that are wonderful. I know it is hard but surrender it to God and He does provide.

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    Sorry to hear all that. But you do have a huge spark family that loves you. emoticon

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CURVYCC 5/9/2010 11:58AM

    The void you are trying to fill can only be filled with and by the love of God. You must love yourself. My mother died in November 2009. This is my first time celebrating Mother's Day without my mother, and I choose to rejoice not be burdened with sadness. I pray, "Father, come into my sister's life, show her the greatest love. Amen."

emoticon emoticon

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YORKIESRUS 5/9/2010 11:39AM

    Lucky? I don't feel lucky. Sorry to hear about your childhood though. Hugs to you too!

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FURBALLDTH 5/9/2010 11:28AM

    consider yourself lucky. Mine destroyed my childhood so bad I have PTSS. emoticon

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NBJAGGAL 5/9/2010 11:26AM

    Mothers Day is hard for me too.......lost my mom 14 yrs ago and still feel the hole.

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Beyond Discouraged!!

Friday, April 13, 2007

It has been awhile since i've posted either on my blog or on the message boards. I'm beside myself with discouragement. I continue to eat like their's no tomorrow (and their won't be if i don't stop this nonsense), and my health continues to plummet.

You'd think that'd be enough to get me going but oh no, not me! I am back in therapy and was telling my therapist yesterday that i had an urge so bad to stop somewhere and get a candy bar, not JUST any ol candy bar but had to be a BIG candy bar. Bought a whole package and ate them all, in a parking lot, cuz didn't want to go home where Tim would see me. The urge was so stronge it felt like an "emergency!" Something i HAD to do, and do it RIGHT THEN. My therapist has suggested that i have a small notebook in my purse at all times and write down "feelings" BEFORE i go in to actually buy it. She said right now she doesn't care WHAT i eat nor how MUCH i eat, she is concerned with the feelings behind it, right before i go in to buy whatever it is.

I have severe heartburn, (so bad that feels like i have asthma or having heart problems). Have hip pain badly, rapid heartbeats, (i'm already on meds for that one). But it's gotten worse. I'm crabby, hate myself, and the list goes on. I feel like a basket case.

I'm depressed CUZ i eat, and depressed when i don't. So damned when i do and damned when i don't. I'm afraid to get close to anyone right now (even friends that i dearly care for) for fear of bringing them down. I know if you hang around negative people it tends to bring you down too. I would never want that for anyone. So for fear of this, i try to "stay away" from those i care about. I know i know, this is when i need them the most but...

I just don't know what to do or where to go from here. I'm in therapy, that's a plus. I just see my health going down the tubes in the meantime and i continue to spiral downward, eating myself silly. The only thing, i'm far from laughing.

So this is where i am at the moment and where i've been. Any words of wisdom or encouragement would be appreciated. I don't see how i'm ever going to be able to put my food down.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MARGARETMM 4/16/2007 10:49PM

    Cindy, like a couple of your friends already pointed out...God cares. You may not feel like dragging down your friends (who I'm sure love you enough to give you a shoulder!), and I can appreciate that feeling myself. There is someone that ALWAYS wants you to talk to Him, and ALWAYS wants you to draw close to Him, and ALWAYS wants you to throw your burdens on Him. Whenever I feel alone, I remind myself that I'm really NOT ever alone. The more you learn to rely on God, the more He'll give you the strength to do what's necessary to make you feel better inside (as well as outside). Talking about your feelings is necessary in healing whatever is bothering you. Don't forget to look around and notice all the BEAUTY God has created for our enjoyment, and Thank Him for it all! We've been BLESSED with sight, hearing, smell, touch, and taste. There are so many people suffering these days, and they are not able to enjoy ANY of those blessings. Imagine being in a third world country and giving birth to a child, just to watch it starve to death, or die of a disease! Thats the "therapy" I use on myself whenever I'm so depressed that I feel like I'm hurting the people around me.
Cindy you have so much to be grateful for...your kids, Tim, and all the daily comforts that you and I take for granted. It took Cancer to scare me into appreciating everything that I could, see, hear, smell, touch, and taste. I thank God everyday for listening to my prayers, giving me comfort, and healing my Cancer. I also Thank Him by trying not to lose the appreciation that I LEARNED.
I still have bad days thanks to the world we live in, but I SAVOUR the good stuff in my life too!
Who loves ya baby?! I do! I do! MargaretMM

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BONNIJEAN 4/14/2007 11:06PM


You can do it. Maybe your therapist should be treating your cravings as an addiction. Keep reading. Keep posting. You can turn this around.

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LANACAT 4/14/2007 2:58PM

    I can feel your pain. I wish I could help. All I can do here is pray for your healing. I am going to lay down with my Bible & read some then pray that God will keep you close. Remember that Jesus loves us all & died on the cross that we might have eternal life. The devil comes in to get us on his side. I know I should not offer advice because I do not always take it myself, but find a few good Boble verses, put them on cards, maybe even laminate them. Put them in obvious places..pocketbook, car, kitchen, desk at work,etc. Then when these feelings come, pull out a card & read it over & over & pray.
"I, Cindy. can do all things(including stopping overeating) through God who strengthens me." Your sister in Christ, Sandy

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REDIS279 4/13/2007 3:28PM

    Cindy, I'm so sorry you are feeling so desparately! I'm going to call you on my lunch hour because you are right...this is the time you NEED those who care about you. To love you when you cannot love yourself, to pray for you when you cannot pray, and to speak the truth of who you are when you cannot see it yourself. I'm glad you are in counseling. It can be so freeing to unload to an objective compassionate person. Sometimes God sends us people to be His arms and voice. And you are stronger than you realize because, look!, you posted your blog. You reached out. Part of you knows that the darkness you are fighting is not the truth. My friend, you are in my prayers. God loves you and so do I.

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lost momentum

Monday, February 12, 2007

I don't even know where to begin this blog post. I am so discouraged, discouraged beyond belief actually. I had lost four pds in the first month i had signed on to SP and now i'm sure i've gained it all back and then some. I don't know for sure since i refuse to weigh right now. I'm afraid i'd eat everything in sight if i knew what i truly weigh now. I was doing so good. I don't understand what on earth is happening to me.

I just can't seem to get a handle on food. It rules me intead of the other way around. I live to eat for sure! I love my fast food, chocolate, etc etc. All the while i feel my health crumbling. You'd think that'd be incentive enough but guess not. I am having a hard time breathing, my hip hurts, my legs and feet ache. My back aches. I'm extremely tired day in and day out. I've stopped cleaning my home (and haven't in several months) due to no energy and difficulty breathing.

I pray my weight doesn't kill me first before i do something about it. I get so depressed when i go to do anything different, such as trying to change my lifestyle. I read in a book this weekend some of the reasons why people want to keep their weight on. I remember two of them really well since i about fell off my chair reading it. Some of the reasons he mentioned are: Afraid of possible failure, afraid of change, because if you lost weight you'd have nothing to complain about, and another good one but forget what it is now.

I want to lose this weight so badly, i want to feel better, not to mention look better, but i can't even get started! I don't want to be like this next year at this time for my 50th birthday. I've stopped exercising. I am an "all or nothing" person. So since i go to fast food, eat chocolate, etc, then why exercise?! Why can't i do this? Why can't i be normal?!

I have no answers, only tons of questions. They say the answers lie deep within a person, but NOT for me they don't. IF anyone is reading this, any advice would be welcomed. Please tell it to me like it is, or like you see it, don't worry about making me mad, i need to hear it straight. No more tip toeing around me. I pray i can take whatever you all have to say. I just don't know what else to do at this point so think that saying it to me straight, undiluted, is what i need to hear right now.

And the beat goes on...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MRGGPG 2/12/2007 9:59PM

    You remind me so much of myself. I have been really screwing up the last week. I crave food and if it is there I eat. I especially have been craving chocolate. The excuses also hit home. Have you thought about seeing a psychologist? It might help to sort things out especially since you are getting so depressed. My psychologist asks about the progress of my diet every time I see him. He knows the right questions to ask when sorting out why I screwed up. You can do this. I know how hard it is. I keep trying to fall back into my old patterns but keep stopping my self.
Your friend, Michele

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BONNIJEAN 2/12/2007 5:43PM


If hunger isn't the problem, food isn't the solution.

Find some other things that you enjoy. I've been getting manicures, hair treatments, etc. at the local cosmetology school. If I'm being pampered, I'm not eating. Give yourself one non-calorie treat every week. You'll look forward to it.

You have lapses? Almost everybody does. I still have lapses, but one bad day is not a life sentence. A while back I decided that I'm going to acknowlege the slip and change my behavior. I can't beat myself up over every slip up. Every day is a new day. Sometimes it's every hour is a new hour. I can start over anytime.

Finally, back to my regular thing I always say. Drink your water. It really does make a difference.

Keep blogging. Typing burns calories and it's hard to eat and type at the same time. So you get 2 benefits.

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Spinning In My Tracks

Monday, January 29, 2007

I didn't really know what to put as the subject line this time. I guess this pretty much does say how i'm feeling right now. I just can't seem to even get started with the food part of it all. I am exercising (10-20 min almost every day on the treadmill) so that's a big deal since i wasn't even exercising at all for years. I just can't seem to get the food part down. I am eating everything in site and then some. I'm on a "see food diet" Everything i see i eat. I'm frustrated with this, that i'm STILL letting food control me and not me control food. I ask myself daily WHY?! I have no answers. None what so ever! I just plain love to eat. Period!

I need to lose this weight so badly, as of yesterday! It is hurting my health and i feel like crap! I laugh and joke around but i am hurting so much inside of my soul. Someone just said to me not long ago that i seem like a happy person, yes i say, i am on the outside because i'm not one to wear my problems on my sleeve, so to cover up how i'm REEEEEEEEEEEALLY feeling, i laugh. Is the best medicine and at least makes others feel good. I like that!

I have so many things that are bothering me just so hard to open up. Been keeping them all to myself for so long. It may be a trust issue, it may be feeling like i'm "bothering" others. I don't reallly know. I just want to run, run far far away at times. That is what i've always done best when the going gets tough, i run away. Has it helped me, the answer is no. But feels good to run just the same.

So, i'm exercising but NOT losing a pound and afraid i've gained back the three i had lost and then some. I just can't do it! I know i know, people say don't use the word can't. Well, i don't know what other word to use then cuz that's how i feel. Be it right or wrong.

So, i'm spinning in my tracks big time! I'm weight wise where i was over 3 weeks ago but at least exercising where i wasn't then. I am soooooooo miserable right now and my health is suffering so i need to get this weight off for health more than looks. I am having a hard time breathing. Was supposed to go to the pulmonologist on Fri but cancelled due to the bad weather and now can't get in till end of Feb. ugh

This is about all i can think of for today. I'm soooo thankful for all my SP friends that i've made! They are priceless to me!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KIRSTEN 2/6/2007 12:27AM

    It is great that you are blogging...it really helps me. Even if you feel that you aren't doing as well as you would like, at least you are getting your feelings out and not stuffing them down.
The most important thing to remember is "DON'T EVER GIVE UP!!"
I know you can do it!

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BONNIJEAN 1/31/2007 9:46PM


You are on the right track. Keep exercising. Once you have victory in that area, you can start tackling the other areas.

How are you doing on your water intake. I know I mention that a lot, but it really makes a difference.

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INSTAGATORGRL 1/31/2007 12:13PM

  Cindy, I know how you feel cause everytime I get frustrated, mad or even upset, the refrigerator is where I go , just like last night, my daughter and I got into an argument, I sent after me some fish at captain D's i am so mad at myself and ashlee I could spit good thing is I didnt go over 2000 calories but over my limit i did. and on another note, I am here for you Cindy, like my mother always said to me shelia you are your own person if people dont like you for who you are then piss on them , just as long as you like yourself. I think you are the sweetest and most wonderful person I have met or should I say talked to and I cherish you as my friend!

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MARGARETMM 1/29/2007 7:24PM

    Ditto on what REDIS279 said! Keep your head up chicky, keep riding that darned uncomfortable bike. MUSCLE weighs more than FAT, so don't give up on the exersizing. Try drinking LOTS more, LOTS & LOTS of water, lemon water, decaf teas, whatever. I find when I haven't been guzzling the drinks I HOOVER food! We all love ya around here girlie, so stop beating yourself up. Big bear Hugs, MargaretMM

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FEVANS 1/29/2007 7:20PM

    Hi Cindy,
I wanted to say i am here for you and i will pray for you.i wanted to say i have the same problem and what has helped me out a little it changeing some of my foods for better choices like for chocolate instead of a candy bar i eat a hershey 100 calories candy bar ,or 60 calories chocolate stick.i eat candian bacon and oscar mayer microave bacon you get 3 slices for 70 calories. i eat sare lee honey wheat bread and sare lee white wheat it is also low in calories.i cook only in olive oil or the spray and i eat egg susbuite,i look up low calories and low fat recipies and try different things. i know how hard this is i am such i picky eater i dont really like veggies or fruit but i try .well if you need anything at all and i mean anything you know were i am.Love YA!!!!! felicia

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REDIS279 1/29/2007 2:15PM

    Cindy, my heart goes out to you. Reading your blog was like reading my diary. I have 2 coping behaviors: stuff the feelings down with food and run away (disappear). Like you said, they don't help but till now they were all I knew. And I haven't said no to myself regarding food in MANY years.

Keep working at the food issues...what feelings are you trying to stuff down? I knew that I stuffed fear, sadness, and lonliness, but I didn't know I stuffed anger as well until recently. Why do we punish ourselves for our feelings?

It is so great that you are exercising! That is my biggest battle. I'm so proud of you that you are not letting your struggle with food sabotage this step.

Laughter is a great spiritual gift. Lifting the spirits of others is so wonderful! You may use it to protect yourself, but there will come a day when you won't need to.

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My Turnaround

Monday, January 22, 2007

I am so glad someone suggested for me to start blogging because it does save me from having to post the same thing over and over again on each message board that i'm on. Here i can just say it once.

I have LOST a total of about 3 lbs in a little over 2 weeks. I can't hardly believe it and keep thinking that something must be wrong with my scale. I haven't weighed this amount since i was born. lol Okay, not in a long time then. I kept getting on and off the scale to make sure it was reading the same each time.

It has been a very hard process for me. Food continues to rule my life and not the other way around yet. I guess that will come in time. I am exercising almost every day for about 10-15 minutes on the treadmill.

BUT, the thing that has changed this time for me is...i had heard last week on Oprah, Bob Greene talk about his new book "The Best Life" and i went out and bought the book and so far, i'm so glad i did. I've been reading it and so far it is changing my life like i've never seen before.

Bob has a 3 phase program so you don't feel overwhelmed by everything all at once and give up. That would be me to a tee! I feel overwhelmed at having to exercise, eat less, change WHAT i'm eating, where i'm eating, how i'm eating and so on, that i feel overwhelmed and quit. In phase one of his book he has you first start out exercising for four whole weeks (maybe more if you need it) before you go to the next phase, which then is cutting calories. But in phase one you just worry about exercising, not eating after 7pm, and drinking your water. I am not feeling so overwhelmed as in times past. I actually think i can do this. So far so good. What brings a lot of relief to me right now is that i don't have to change WHAT or how much i eat right now. I ONLY have to worry about one thing (make that two things) exercise and water. That is doable.

I'm learning so much from his book. It is just a fantastic book. I'm so glad i got to hear him on Oprah.

So seeing the scale go down is really lifting my spirits today! I don't feel pressure at all now because i only have to concentrate on two things. TODAY i CAN do these. Tomorrow is another day. (No my name is not Scarlet). lol


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MINNIEMOUSE01 1/22/2007 2:21PM

    WAY TO GO!! I'm so happy for you! By the way, Sparkpeople's Phase 1 is pretty much the same thing. You pick your 3 goals (which you did), and just concentrate on that! I've seen Bob Greene on Oprah, and also thought he was great. (I don't remember any specifics though - isn't he really big on lots of exercise?) Anyway, I'm really going now!
Have a Great Day!

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