Sunday, May 09, 2010
Today is one of the worse "holidays" for me. Today is Mother's Day. Why is this such a hard day for me? I am not, nor never have been, close to either of my mother's.
Yes, I've had (got) two mother's. I was raised a foster child, and *adopted at age 30 (no that is NOT a typo), *at my request, and yet i don't speak to either of them. Haven't seen nor heard from them in years. My birth mother thinks of me as DEAD! My adopted mom and i don't speak nor do i care to. Long story there!
The pain is horrible of not having a mother. I long so badly for a mom. I have even thought of putting an ad in the paper asking if anyone, preferrably someone without children of her own and may have always wanted them, would want to adopt me. Love me and i would love her in return. I would want nothing from her other than her love. I would want to give to her and spoil her rotten. This is pretty sad actually of wanting to put an ad in the paper but i don't know how else to go about it.
Have i done that? NO! Doesn't really seem feasible, not to mention the cost. Plus who on earth does something like that anyway. There has to be another way to find a mom! I just don't know what that is.
I tell my therapist that she would have it easy really because i'm potty trained, can feed myself, am schooled, early fifties, even married so she'd have a son in law. :) What more could one lucky woman want! (grinning big writing that).
I just have a HUGE hole in my soul, in my heart, that i know only a mother could fill. To think i may die with that hole never filled, sickens me, brings me to tears.
So, this is why (in a nutshell) that Mother's Day is so hard for me and will always be if and when i, too, can find a mother to both love and be loved from. If you are out there in the world somewhere, i pray that someday God will bring us together!
Happy Mother's Day wherever you are!
Friday, April 13, 2007
It has been awhile since i've posted either on my blog or on the message boards. I'm beside myself with discouragement. I continue to eat like their's no tomorrow (and their won't be if i don't stop this nonsense), and my health continues to plummet.
You'd think that'd be enough to get me going but oh no, not me! I am back in therapy and was telling my therapist yesterday that i had an urge so bad to stop somewhere and get a candy bar, not JUST any ol candy bar but had to be a BIG candy bar. Bought a whole package and ate them all, in a parking lot, cuz didn't want to go home where Tim would see me. The urge was so stronge it felt like an "emergency!" Something i HAD to do, and do it RIGHT THEN. My therapist has suggested that i have a small notebook in my purse at all times and write down "feelings" BEFORE i go in to actually buy it. She said right now she doesn't care WHAT i eat nor how MUCH i eat, she is concerned with the feelings behind it, right before i go in to buy whatever it is.
I have severe heartburn, (so bad that feels like i have asthma or having heart problems). Have hip pain badly, rapid heartbeats, (i'm already on meds for that one). But it's gotten worse. I'm crabby, hate myself, and the list goes on. I feel like a basket case.
I'm depressed CUZ i eat, and depressed when i don't. So damned when i do and damned when i don't. I'm afraid to get close to anyone right now (even friends that i dearly care for) for fear of bringing them down. I know if you hang around negative people it tends to bring you down too. I would never want that for anyone. So for fear of this, i try to "stay away" from those i care about. I know i know, this is when i need them the most but...
I just don't know what to do or where to go from here. I'm in therapy, that's a plus. I just see my health going down the tubes in the meantime and i continue to spiral downward, eating myself silly. The only thing, i'm far from laughing.
So this is where i am at the moment and where i've been. Any words of wisdom or encouragement would be appreciated. I don't see how i'm ever going to be able to put my food down.
Monday, February 12, 2007
I don't even know where to begin this blog post. I am so discouraged, discouraged beyond belief actually. I had lost four pds in the first month i had signed on to SP and now i'm sure i've gained it all back and then some. I don't know for sure since i refuse to weigh right now. I'm afraid i'd eat everything in sight if i knew what i truly weigh now. I was doing so good. I don't understand what on earth is happening to me.
I just can't seem to get a handle on food. It rules me intead of the other way around. I live to eat for sure! I love my fast food, chocolate, etc etc. All the while i feel my health crumbling. You'd think that'd be incentive enough but guess not. I am having a hard time breathing, my hip hurts, my legs and feet ache. My back aches. I'm extremely tired day in and day out. I've stopped cleaning my home (and haven't in several months) due to no energy and difficulty breathing.
I pray my weight doesn't kill me first before i do something about it. I get so depressed when i go to do anything different, such as trying to change my lifestyle. I read in a book this weekend some of the reasons why people want to keep their weight on. I remember two of them really well since i about fell off my chair reading it. Some of the reasons he mentioned are: Afraid of possible failure, afraid of change, because if you lost weight you'd have nothing to complain about, and another good one but forget what it is now.
I want to lose this weight so badly, i want to feel better, not to mention look better, but i can't even get started! I don't want to be like this next year at this time for my 50th birthday. I've stopped exercising. I am an "all or nothing" person. So since i go to fast food, eat chocolate, etc, then why exercise?! Why can't i do this? Why can't i be normal?!
I have no answers, only tons of questions. They say the answers lie deep within a person, but NOT for me they don't. IF anyone is reading this, any advice would be welcomed. Please tell it to me like it is, or like you see it, don't worry about making me mad, i need to hear it straight. No more tip toeing around me. I pray i can take whatever you all have to say. I just don't know what else to do at this point so think that saying it to me straight, undiluted, is what i need to hear right now.
And the beat goes on...
Monday, January 29, 2007
I didn't really know what to put as the subject line this time. I guess this pretty much does say how i'm feeling right now. I just can't seem to even get started with the food part of it all. I am exercising (10-20 min almost every day on the treadmill) so that's a big deal since i wasn't even exercising at all for years. I just can't seem to get the food part down. I am eating everything in site and then some. I'm on a "see food diet" Everything i see i eat. I'm frustrated with this, that i'm STILL letting food control me and not me control food. I ask myself daily WHY?! I have no answers. None what so ever! I just plain love to eat. Period!
I need to lose this weight so badly, as of yesterday! It is hurting my health and i feel like crap! I laugh and joke around but i am hurting so much inside of my soul. Someone just said to me not long ago that i seem like a happy person, yes i say, i am on the outside because i'm not one to wear my problems on my sleeve, so to cover up how i'm REEEEEEEEEEEALLY feeling, i laugh. Is the best medicine and at least makes others feel good. I like that!
I have so many things that are bothering me just so hard to open up. Been keeping them all to myself for so long. It may be a trust issue, it may be feeling like i'm "bothering" others. I don't reallly know. I just want to run, run far far away at times. That is what i've always done best when the going gets tough, i run away. Has it helped me, the answer is no. But feels good to run just the same.
So, i'm exercising but NOT losing a pound and afraid i've gained back the three i had lost and then some. I just can't do it! I know i know, people say don't use the word can't. Well, i don't know what other word to use then cuz that's how i feel. Be it right or wrong.
So, i'm spinning in my tracks big time! I'm weight wise where i was over 3 weeks ago but at least exercising where i wasn't then. I am soooooooo miserable right now and my health is suffering so i need to get this weight off for health more than looks. I am having a hard time breathing. Was supposed to go to the pulmonologist on Fri but cancelled due to the bad weather and now can't get in till end of Feb. ugh
This is about all i can think of for today. I'm soooo thankful for all my SP friends that i've made! They are priceless to me!
Monday, January 22, 2007
I am so glad someone suggested for me to start blogging because it does save me from having to post the same thing over and over again on each message board that i'm on. Here i can just say it once.
I have LOST a total of about 3 lbs in a little over 2 weeks. I can't hardly believe it and keep thinking that something must be wrong with my scale. I haven't weighed this amount since i was born. lol Okay, not in a long time then. I kept getting on and off the scale to make sure it was reading the same each time.
It has been a very hard process for me. Food continues to rule my life and not the other way around yet. I guess that will come in time. I am exercising almost every day for about 10-15 minutes on the treadmill.
BUT, the thing that has changed this time for me is...i had heard last week on Oprah, Bob Greene talk about his new book "The Best Life" and i went out and bought the book and so far, i'm so glad i did. I've been reading it and so far it is changing my life like i've never seen before.
Bob has a 3 phase program so you don't feel overwhelmed by everything all at once and give up. That would be me to a tee! I feel overwhelmed at having to exercise, eat less, change WHAT i'm eating, where i'm eating, how i'm eating and so on, that i feel overwhelmed and quit. In phase one of his book he has you first start out exercising for four whole weeks (maybe more if you need it) before you go to the next phase, which then is cutting calories. But in phase one you just worry about exercising, not eating after 7pm, and drinking your water. I am not feeling so overwhelmed as in times past. I actually think i can do this. So far so good. What brings a lot of relief to me right now is that i don't have to change WHAT or how much i eat right now. I ONLY have to worry about one thing (make that two things) exercise and water. That is doable.
I'm learning so much from his book. It is just a fantastic book. I'm so glad i got to hear him on Oprah.
So seeing the scale go down is really lifting my spirits today! I don't feel pressure at all now because i only have to concentrate on two things. TODAY i CAN do these. Tomorrow is another day. (No my name is not Scarlet). lol
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