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I failed today

Thursday, December 20, 2012

I don't even know where to start with this blog. I am so disappointed in myself, and so ashamed. Today I ate almost 3000 calories of cookies. Yes, 3000. 32 chocolate cookies. The last couple days have been great in terms of eating and exercise. This morning, I woke up with the plan to make cookies (and to eat 1). I was going to bring them for my office, my advisor, and the kids I babysit. However, blizzard-esque snow conditions stranded me home, alone, with the cookie dough. I made three trays, and ate them ALL. I hate myself a little bit right now, but I am also just really sad. What have I done to my body? Over the course of 12 hours, I filled it with crap, and I barely feel it. It is almost like my body has desensitized itself to the junk (except for the weight I will gain). Why didn't I react to the sugar? Or the massive amount of calories? Shouldn't I be sick?

Ever since I completed the 8km race a month ago, all I've done is lay around. I've watched hundreds of hours of tv, and ate countless bags of chips. And now this. I feel like I can't change my life right now. Plus, its so hard being away from America for the holidays. My friends and I did Thanksgiving, a Hannukah celebration, and we will have a Christmas party, but its just not the same.

I know that part of this is the wintertime blues. I TRIED to be proactive in August. I bought a SAD lamp in America and used half of my suitcase space bringing it back to Turkey. It broke after a week, and no one could fix it. I thought I was going to beat this winter slump, but it has taken over.

I ate 3,000 calories of cookies today. I wasn't even hungry.

I'm sorry that my first blog is a while is so depressing, but I needed to get it out.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IYA_EKUNDAYO 12/31/2012 8:02PM

    Don't be so hard on yourself. We have all been where you are right now, and more than likely, it will not be a 1 time only visit, for us.
Look at it as a last "good-bye" to low
frequency vibes of 2012 and get up, brush yourself off
and start new for the New Year!
emoticon



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RYDERB 12/31/2012 7:49PM

    emoticon
Have you seen Hungry for Change? If you haven't you should. I watched it last week and everything made sense. They compared the affect sugar has on our bodies to opium or heroin. I can't remember but who knew? emoticon


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DAWNWATERWOMAN 12/23/2012 7:41PM

    Glad that you took the time to "GET IT OUT" as you put it. I believe that most of us have had such an episode. I KNOW that I have. The best that you can do is "let it go" and try not to repeat it. Of course, there will be another time... it's the nature of compulsive overeaters.... but as long as you are aware and working on yourself, you'll do better each time. I'm proud of you for getting it out. I'm sorry about your lamp. I'm sorry that you're lonely. I hope pray that you'll feel better soon. Sending love your way..... emoticon

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SKINNIESOMEDAY 12/22/2012 9:41AM

    emoticon AWWWWW we hav all done this and it sounds like you are really going through a rough time and its just so darn easy to reward or comfort yourself with the food !! I do it with sadness and with stress a lot !! Don't beat yourself up over it... at least you know it.... you recognize it and you are trying to figure out how to stop it,.... and for the most part you have... just a slip or two... you must remember this is YEARS of bad habits and its very HARD to UNLEARN !!
Start back on your plan as soon as possible and the damage will be minimal !!

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JUST_BE1 12/22/2012 7:40AM

  We all have days like these. Take it as a learning experience. Have you been exercising? I find that it helps tremendously to help with SAD.

I like these to quotes:
"Not until we are lost do we begin to find ourselves"
"Take a deep breath, Pick yourself up, Dust yourself off and start all over again"

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ERW001 12/21/2012 9:47AM

    I'm right there with you! Healthy eating is so hard this time of year, especially if you are away from home. Don't dwell on it but learn from it. Today is a new day! emoticon

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SARASMILING 12/21/2012 6:00AM

    I don't know why we do these things!!! I can't stand it! I'm right there with you! WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS! We have to fight. We have to keep moving forward. We can do this!! emoticon

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JPGSMOM 12/20/2012 9:06PM

    I understand what you are feeling right now. I remember a day that I put down an entire large pizza all by myself. And I didn't even feel stuffed! I felt horrible about it. But after awhile I realized that it was a stumbling point that I had to make in order to move forward. If nothing else, it was a very clear reminder of my addiction to food, and ultimately that understanding alone is what ended up making my resolve stronger afterwards. Life happens... COOKIES happen! Self loathing does nothing good for us. I know it is hard right now, but try not to beat yourself up about this too much. Maybe try to see this as proof that you are human just like the rest of us. This is a hard journey filled with things to stumble on, but one worth making. Take care, and have a VERY happy holiday!
emoticon

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BECKYANNE1 12/20/2012 8:22PM

    You over indulged! Put it in the past and move on. We all do it at some point. I'm sure
if you were to get up and start exercising again, or SAD would get a little better. I went thru an infection last year and then a diagnosis of Cancer. I walked. Alot! They more I felt depressed,, the more I walked. Little by little I started feeling better.

Good Luck! Hang in there! emoticon

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MS_PERCEPTION 12/20/2012 7:35PM

    I know how it feels to do that to yourself. You have made some good choices recently, so you know you CAN. Please don't stop believing in yourself and what you're capable of!
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JCARDINAL 12/20/2012 5:36PM

    Tomorrow will be a new day a new start! emoticon

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MANDYVANHOOK 12/20/2012 2:59PM

    Aww, the cookie monster in us comes out once in awhile, sometimes we just have to realize what is done is done and move on. Next time you feel him creeping up on you again, come back and read this blog! Hang in there!

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PAULABEANS 12/20/2012 2:42PM

    It's ok, we all struggle. Pick yourself up, & brush yourself off. Today is a new day. It's time for a blank canvas to work from.


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SASS Week 8

Friday, April 27, 2012

This will just be a quick blog entry....I have to leave for the airport in 10 minutes (it is 4:24 am right now emoticon) I was pretty good eating/exercising this week, but I had one day with a MAJOR binge (about 2500 calories total for the day) and I guess that hurt my weight loss a bit, because I only broke even.

On better news, I am going to be on a vacation/class trip to the south-east of Turkey, where I will see lots of ancient cities and archaeological sites. I will be walking all day for the next four days, so I am pretty hopeful that there will be a loss next week! Have a great weekend and see you all on Tuesday emoticon

SASS Tracker:
SUMMARY STATS
Sparkpeople Username: Yismet
Real Name: Lauren
Challenge Starting Weight (Your weight on 03.03.2012): about 180ish
Long-Term Goal Weight (in pounds): 130
Challenge Goal Weight (in pounds): 159


WEIGH INS:

Week 6 - 04.15.2012: 172 pounds
Week 7 - 04.22.2012: 172 pounds
Week 8 - 04.29.2012:
Week 9 - 05.06.2012:
Week 10- 05.13.2012:
Week 11- 05.20.2012:
Week 12- 05.27.2012:
Week 13- 06.03.2012:
Week 14- 06.10.2012:
Week 15- 06.17.2012:
Week 16- 06.24.2012:
Week 17- 07.01.2012:


CHALLENGE POINTS:

Week 7 - 04.22.2012: 60 points (cardio and nutrition)
Week 8 - 04.29.2012: 40 points (cardio only)
Week 9 - 05.06.2012:
Week 10- 05.13.2012:
Week 11- 05.20.2012:
Week 12- 05.27.2012:
Week 13- 06.03.2012:
Week 14- 06.10.2012:
Week 15- 06.17.2012:
Week 16- 06.24.2012:
Week 17- 07.01.2012:


Will do measurements when I get back from the trip!
Week 8 (04.29.2012): Total Inches: ___
Bust :___ Hips:___ Waist: ___
Right Arm:___ Right Thigh:___ Right Calf:___

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RYDERB 4/29/2012 8:14AM

    Have a great trip! Take lots of pictures!

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AFTERMYKIDS 4/28/2012 4:37PM

    Have fun!!

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SARASMILING 4/28/2012 6:59AM

    So jealous, I wanna come with you! I hope you have a great trip!!

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A Bad Weigh In and SASS

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Since I wasn't around for the start of SASS, I've decided to jump in on the challenge anyways and just keep a tracker in my blog! emoticon Go Bahama Mamas! emoticon

I moved to a new apartment in February, which means I lost access to my old roommate's scale, and the gym here doesn't provide scales in the bathroom. However, I was informed that there was a scale in the trainers' offices, and you need to ask them to use it, which was just very strange for me. Even in a gym locker room, weighing myself is a very private experience. Here is Turkey however, it seems much more culturally acceptable to discuss weight and to weigh yourself publicly (there are people on the streets who keep a scale and you pay them 50 cents to weigh yourself)

It took me three days to even convince myself to walk into the trainer's office. I felt like I was going to be judged for me overweight, and, unfortunately, I was kind of right. It turns out it wasn't just a scale, it was one of those intense body fat measuring machines. The trainer stands there and the scale sends all of this data to his computer. I know it will be a nice comparison as I continue this getting-healthy journey, but it took a ton of courage for me to even ask the trainer to use the scale. I was NOT mentally prepared for seeing how much fat each of my arms and legs had, and I was really not prepared for him to see. Moreover, once it was done, the trainer said "bad," first in Turkish, then in English, and was intensely studying this highlighted computerized body scan the machine produced muttering comments about my weight in Turkish (which I could understand). It made me feel absolutely awful about myself. I was clearly in the gym, working out, it took a lot of courage for me to even ask to use the scale, and then to receive negative commentary just REALLY angered me. I grabbed the measurement and basically fled the gym, trying not to cry. First thing on my to-do list is scale shopping. I did lose weight from the last time I weighed myself in February, which IS great, but I just couldn't really enjoy the victory....

Anways, on to the SASS tracker and the results from my body fat scan:

Coincidentally, I was already trying to get back into a vitamin-mode when this challenge came up. I take a multi-vitamin every day, and I also take these vegan algae pills to get omega-3s. If the thought of fish oil disgusts any of you, check on vegan alternatives (I use the Deva brand)

BMI: 31.8 (obese)
BMR: 1466 kcal
Fat Percent: 40.9% (ideal 21 - 33)

SASS Tracker:
SUMMARY STATS
Sparkpeople Username: Yismet
Real Name: Lauren
Challenge Starting Weight (Your weight on 03.03.2012): about 180ish
Long-Term Goal Weight (in pounds): 130
Challenge Goal Weight (in pounds): 159


WEIGH INS:

Week 6 - 04.15.2012: 172 pounds
Week 7 - 04.22.2012:
Week 8 - 04.29.2012:
Week 9 - 05.06.2012:
Week 10- 05.13.2012:
Week 11- 05.20.2012:
Week 12- 05.27.2012:
Week 13- 06.03.2012:
Week 14- 06.10.2012:
Week 15- 06.17.2012:
Week 16- 06.24.2012:
Week 17- 07.01.2012:


CHALLENGE POINTS:

Week 7 - 04.22.2012: 60 points (cardio and nutrition)
Week 8 - 04.29.2012:
Week 9 - 05.06.2012:
Week 10- 05.13.2012:
Week 11- 05.20.2012:
Week 12- 05.27.2012:
Week 13- 06.03.2012:
Week 14- 06.10.2012:
Week 15- 06.17.2012:
Week 16- 06.24.2012:
Week 17- 07.01.2012:



Week 8 (04.29.2012): Total Inches: ___
Bust :___ Hips:___ Waist: ___
Right Arm:___ Right Thigh:___ Right Calf:___

Week 17 (07.01.2012): Total Inches: ___
Bust :___ Hips:___ Waist: ___
Right Arm:___ Right Thigh:___ Right Calf:___

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SKIPSIDE 4/22/2012 7:29PM

    Scale shopping sounds like a great stress reduction plan.
You've made great progress so far this year. Keep up the good work...
then go back leaner and meaner in six months and blow his little computer's brain out. Ah, sweet revenge emoticon

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JCARDINAL 4/22/2012 3:49PM

    What a jerk!! I'm glad you didn't let him derail your goals. Great job Lauren!!

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LOSINGITNOW11 4/22/2012 12:33PM

    I hate that you had such a bad experience and am with KROLES55. I would let management know how rudely he treated you. Even if weight is more freely spoken about in Turkey, it doesn't mean you have to be negative and put someone down about it.
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Congratulations on your weigh in for SASS. Keep up the good work, and know the Mamas are here for you!!
emoticon

Comment edited on: 4/22/2012 12:33:54 PM

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KROLES55 4/22/2012 7:36AM

    I am so sorry that you had a bad experience. I would definitely be doing some scale shopping. If it was me I would either write a letter or advised management of the personal trainer poor interpersonal & customer service skills.

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SARASMILING 4/22/2012 6:27AM

    I am SO sorry you had to deal with that!! I hate that. I want to punch him for you.
I'm going to have to look into those algae pills. Thanks for the tip!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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EGYPTFREAK 4/21/2012 8:56PM

    Wow. I would have fled too. great job though keeping your head high and moving forward. I am right where you are now so I'd love to follow and meet the same goals alongside with you :)

emoticon : Spark buddy to do all this with!

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RYDERB 4/21/2012 6:24PM

    Way to go Lauren! Congratulations on facing your scale fear! I'm so sorry that trainer was so rude to you. We have a link on our Bahama Mama team page to a website that will help you figure out body fat by using some Body measurements. I know it's not completely accurate but neither is the method he used because how hydrated you are or aren't changes the results. Great job this week! emoticon

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Things For My Health

Saturday, April 14, 2012

As some of you know, it has been a rocky journey coming back to Spark. Life interferred and I stopped sparking, gained back the weight I lost, and realized that SP is essential to my health and well-being. After a couple failed attempts, I have quietly been tracking my food and logging exercises but not really participating in the community aspect. But I have proven to myself that I can stay with SP even when life gets in the way, so I'm coming back to the blogging and messag boards (and hopefully challenges, soon!)

I've been thinking a lot lately about all the good things that I have done for my health in the past week, and all the bad things. I think making a list will help motivate me to keep going, and put things in perspective.

Good Things:
emoticon Started the C25K program
emoticon Spent a day acting like a tourist in Istanbul, which forced me to stay active all day
emoticon Didn't go over my calories range for an entire week
emoticon Cut processed sugar out, in the forms of soda and desserts
emoticon Made homemade applesauce and pumpkin puree and froze them to have on hand to put in baked goods as a partial fat-substitute
emoticon Went 2 days without eating any cheese products
emoticon Made a concerted effort to increase my protein intake, especially via beans
emoticon Ate at least one serving of fruits/veggies with every meal
emoticon Allowed myself one desserty-type snack,spread out through the week (These yummy things! (and www.neverhomemaker.com/2010/06/froze
n-banana-bites.html
)
emoticon Went for walks in the really hilly section
emoticon Spent time hanging out with my friends AND playing with dogs and kittens
emoticon Started reading a good fiction and a good non-fiction book
emoticon Spent time outside enjoying spring and the flowers
emoticon Found the courage to sing at karaoke (with a partner!) (Sweet Caroline is an awesome song, isn't it?)
emoticon Didn't watch any tv or movies for 3 whole days (I think I am a little addicted, so this is good)
emoticon Wrote this blog


(The Annual Istanbul Tulip Festival - it stretches for miles)


Bad Things I Did For My Health
emoticon I went under calories one day, only hitting 1000
emoticon One day, 1/3 of my calorie consumption was beer
emoticon Didn't exercise for 3 days
emoticon Didn't do as much homework as I should have, and now I need to rush/stress
emoticon Came close, but never met my daily protein goal
emoticonSpent too much time on food blogs and obsessively thought about making and eating a bowl of frosting for an entire day emoticon (but I didn't)
emoticon Didn't do any strength training

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EGYPTFREAK 4/15/2012 9:08PM

    Sweet Caroline! I love the Glee version :D

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RYDERB 4/15/2012 12:38PM

    Lauren, I'm so glad you're back! Look at how much longer your list of good things was compared to your bad. emoticon emoticon emoticon Whenever you're ready, make yourself a SASS tracker, and jump in "unofficially" and compete WITH us. That way you won't be alone making these changes again. We're all in this together. There's strength in numbers!
emoticon emoticon emoticon

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SARASMILING 4/15/2012 5:45AM

    So glad you're back! Frosting is definitely the devil in disguise. It will haunt you for days! lol! You are doing so good though! Welcome back!!
emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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JCARDINAL 4/14/2012 7:21PM

    Glad you're back!! The good things out weighed the bad!!

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ZURDTA- 4/14/2012 9:36AM

    Lovely emoticon

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BIGDOG18 4/14/2012 4:29AM

  emoticon

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My biggest motivation

Friday, November 25, 2011

I feel like I need some reminders of what motivates me. I have been in and out of SP so much lately, I really need to focus.

My biggest motivator:

Most importantly, I motivate myself and I am the reason I want to get healthy. There are times in my life when I have been strong. Sleek. Comfortable in my own body. Confident. There was a time when I had a unwavering belief in my abilities and intelligence. I never questioned that if I wanted something, I would achieve it. I remember that girl well enough to know that she is inside me, trying to motivate me to get me off the couch. It works most of the time. I know i deserve to be happy and healthy, I just need to let myself believe that it is attainable. I have been in shape, I have eaten well, I have been healthy. And I will get to those places again.

More than anything, I want to be comfortable and confident in myself. I so often feel awkward and do things like compare the size of my thighs with the person next to me, which never feels good. I am on SP and in challenges and eating healthy not so that my thighs will be the smallest in the room, but so that my thighs are a healthy size AND so that I stop even trying to compare them to anyone else's.

Happy Black Friday everyone!



  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRACYZABELLE 12/12/2011 6:40AM

    You are capable of anything as long as you believe~

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SUSUSUZZZIE 11/26/2011 12:12AM

    I really can relate to this and I wish you much luck reaching your goals! Please let me know if you want to continue with the BL Team for the winter challenge! We'd love to have you on the team again!

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5KPRINCESS 11/26/2011 12:10AM

    I am right there with you! I remember those days of confidence, poise, higher self-esteem, no doubts. I am slowly getting back to that person, but I think the emphasis is (unfortunately) on the word "slowly" rather than the positives. Somehow, someway we shall get there! Until then, just know that we are here for each other :) *HUGS* ~Susie

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JUGE300000 11/25/2011 8:08PM

    emoticon

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RYDERB 11/25/2011 6:56PM

    Healthy is the new Sexy! emoticon
We will all help each other stay motivated, and support each other while we work toward our goals!
Go Mamas! We've got this!
emoticon
Marki

Comment edited on: 11/25/2011 6:56:52 PM

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JCARDINAL 11/25/2011 6:21PM

    We can do this together! Motivation is my biggest problem. I'm great at starting and not so good in the last stretch. Please visit us on the Bahama Mama page chat thread. We can keep each other motivated and on track!

Jean

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RTSUGAR 11/25/2011 5:52PM

  Thanks for sharing this blog. I, too can remember a time when I believed that anything I wanted to do, I knew I could achieve. I remember a time when I was confident, sure of myself and focused on my health and life goals. And, when I did get off course, I was so grounded in my beliefs that I always found my way back. Over the past few years, I've moved further and further away from my inner self and don't really know how. And with this comes a struggle of motivation. And, at this point in my life, I must do it for myself and only me. I have a family and I love them but this has to be for me. I took some small steps today. I reset my goals, I tracked my food/water intake for today and MOST of all I decided today that I am important enough to me to make me a priority. Thanks for the reminders!

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