Wednesday, January 21, 2009
With friends like that who needs enemies!!! Who needs friends that verbally abuse you in front of others? NO ONE! (referring to BL gray team)
It is easy to judge when you are not in someone else's shoes. You can say this is a once in a lifetime opportunity and it is but if you were there do you think you can be any better than Joelle? Let’s be honest with ourselves!!! It is one thing watching BL on TV and giving our opinions but if we were there with Jillian and Bob doing what all these contestants are doing do you think we got what it takes? Do you think you can survive it without any obstacles and hesitation???
The truth is although it would be nice to be in the BL we are not, but we can still work our booties off like BL contestants do. How many of us workout as intense and as long as BL contestants??? Probably none of us. So we really cannot say we would be better than those at the ranch because we probably barely manage one hour a day (if that) and probably at comfortable intensity. How about getting uncomfortable and leaving our comfort zone and push ourselves as if we were at that ranch. Let's see how much we can take it and how long we can take it.
We all say "Hey if I was in the BL show I would rock and kick butt" but I am sure that's what all these contestants said too. It is not the same to observe from the outside as it is to actually get your hands dirty. For that we do not need to be on the show. We can be our own Jillian and Bob.
I am sure a lot of us are more like Joelle than we are willing to admit, otherwise we would be skinny. We are afraid to push ourselves beyond the unknown, afraid of change, afraid of amazing ourselves, afraid of aches, pains and sweat. Sometimes we are just lazy!!! We make all kinds of excuses to justify not investing 30 mins a day in our health. When the truth is we can do 30 minutes a day. We choose to lie to ourselves to make ourselves feel better about not doing what we know we should be doing; EXERCISING, EATING BETTER.
What is my point? Well……..We all have reasons why we became overweight/obese. Maybe it was due to illnesses, maybe depression, emotional eating, carelessness, laziness, etc… If you look at your self and judge yourself you may find out that there’s a bit of Joelle inside all of us Whatever mental block issues Joelle is having that is preventing her from breaking through is the same things that are holding all of us back. We need to figure out what that is in us. It doesn’t make sense for one overweight/obese person (us) to be judging another one (Joelle) on what they are doing wrong or whether they are strong or weak, etc… when we ourselves are not an example to follow. If we had the answers we would all be skinny and healthier by now. Let’s humble ourselves and quit being so judgmental on Joelle because unless we are spending 6 hours a day working our booties off and doing something out of our comfort zone like she is we really cannot be certain we would handle it better than her. And if any of us thinks we can be better than any of these contestants on the show, why aren’t we working our behinds off now? Why aren’t we being consistent with our program? Why aren’t we being real with ourselves?
The truth is we don’t need a personal trainer to tell us what to do or how long to do it. We don’t need someone cursing at us nor putting us down to do it. We have ourselves and that is all we need, the will comes from within us. At the end it is our hard work, efforts, commitment, perseverance, discipline, attitude, thinking and willingness that will get us there. We are the ones investing the time and energy. It is what we do or choose not to do that will either make us or break us.
And if you still feel as you are not enough and you don’t have what it takes to push yourself beyond the comfort zone and onto success road than you can always (for motivation) record Bob’s little message (2nd episode) in your head (“JUST SHUT THE F*** UP AND DO IT”) and press play when ever you want to quit or stop.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Some days I feel so irritated and frustrated. I feel this body is a trap holding me hostage. A maze I cannot find my way out of. I feel trapped in a glass mirror. It is horrifying imagining I can stay trapped and lost forever. Staying focused on one day at a time and one pound at a time is harder than it seems; especially when your journey is about 100 pounds long. You want to see the pounds magically disappear from your body. You want to look in that mirror and start seeing that trapped girl in it, starting to merge. You want to see those pounds melt away and the real you finally be free.
With so many people here in SP and in the world losing 100’s of pounds you think why can’t that be me? If they did it I can do it. It cannot be that hard. What I forget is that everyone is different. We all function to our own capacity and will and at our own speed. Unfortunately for me, it is a slow process. While the right ideas and intentions are there so is the hesitation, fear and impatience.
It is hard staying focused day after day when you dislike who you see in that mirror and what you see in that mirror. It is hard to treat your body and self with love and continuing to do what you have to do daily for that person in the mirror, when you hate what you see. It’s a love/hate relationship. It is so unhealthy and draining.
When I learn to see past the image in the mirror maybe then…….I can love myself enough to stay focused.
I love me, I love me, I love….. I am worth it, I am worth it……….. Yes I can, Yes I can, Yes I can……………………………..
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
I am so crushed, brokenhearted, and disappointed. Tonight’s outcome in Biggest Loser was devastating to watch. Two of the nicest people and the two that needed it the most fell below the yellow line; the oldest person Jerry and the heaviest person ever Daniel. Some times the twists in the show make the outcomes unfair. While some undeserving contestant gets the “Get out of Jail Free Card” getting another chance to redeem herself, (Joelle you should have taken the $25k and ran) the one that should have stayed was sacrificed. It tore me to pieces to see his face when he saw his weight lost. It crushed me to see him crushed and so down. So Fragile in that scale I wanted to reach out and hug him. Would I had a say so in the voting I would have chosen for Daniel to go but I am glad he stayed because he does need the support system and the boot camp or he will not make it at home. Jerry understood this and was so gracious about it and he did so well at home. Can I be your granddaughter?
Tonight’s episode left me thinking about what am I doing to myself? Left me thinking about my daily struggles and compulsiveness. I do well all day and in a matter of minutes before I know it here I go back into the vicious cycle of junk food, comfort food eating. If I am not giving in to the sweet tooth, than I am eating more than I should (no portion control). If I am not feeling hungry but am not chewing something here I go looking for a snack. I think it is my nerves that make me have to always be eating something. I just have not figured out why.
Like tonight while watching the BL, I was eating my dinner a big bowl of corn with butter, mayo and parmesan cheese (it taste good) but I ate a big bowl that was probably about 3 servings. I ate about 6 to 8 cookies. Not to mention I ate this after 6:00 p.m. I was not really feeling hungry. I just wanted something comforting to eat. What the hell is wrong with me??? What is it going to take for me to stop sabotaging all my hard work I put in all day? I am never going to progress if I do not get it together and get serious about this.
My heart hurts it hurts a lot for so many damn reasons built up inside of me. The outside reflects what I feel inside. I do not want to feel pain. I do not want to feel hurt. I do not want to feel fear. I do not want to feel disappointment. I JUST DO NOT WANT TO FEEL!!! Does food numb the pain?
I have been hanging on hoping to figure out what is wrong with me, how did I get to this point. Why haven’t I been able to break free from this body I am trapped in? This is not me. I do not even know who me really is.
Seeing Jerry’s face tonight on that scale crushed every bit inside of me. I was so mad at Joelle for her lack of interest and still being saved by luck but even more I was furious at myself. Because while Jerry, old and sick is fighting with everything he has and does not have, to keep moving and stay alive, here I am taking for granted my youth, power, gifts, and potential. Here I am eating a big bowl of corn and cookies. Even when today was my rest day that does not mean be careless and overeat. Instead of indulging or giving myself my daily dose of anesthetics (food), I should have been doing something more constructive. Reading my bible, taking a nap, went to church, a pedicure (homemade), etc…. Anything but eating!
I screwed up today and will see if there are consequences in the morning when I weigh-in. I figured just like I have decided to reward myself when I accomplish something I will have to give myself penalties when I screw up on purpose. I need to have consequences for my actions, maybe this way I will finally learn self control. To the best of my knowledge there is not a medical physical reason for my obesity, it is all emotional. I need to fight through those emotions and break free from this body that does not belong to me. I do not have a physical impediment holding me hostage I have an emotional one. I want to be free!!!
I do not need to be in the biggest loser show to win this battle. Many people like Daniel do and I am so happy they have come to this show and I hope it changes them forever. I am not one of those people. Yes I am obese and I need to lose about 100 lbs. but, I can do this my self; I just have chosen to accept defeat instead.
I screwed up today and today is almost over. Tomorrow better be a day of change and discipline. I need to find my way, I need to find me!!!
Monday, January 05, 2009
Every day is such a struggle, and like Forrest Gump used to say “life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.” That is the story of my life. Every day I never know what to expect. What kind of mood I am going to be in. Am I going to get up every morning confidant and determined, get my exercise done? Am I going to eat healthy, drink my water. Am I going to give-in to temptations and emotional eating? Am I going to once again allow fears, doubts and insecurities push me into despair and take over my peace of mind; Therefore all my progress and efforts falling out the window.
The truth is I never know what tomorrow is going to be like, not that anyone does. In a way I am terrified of the unknown. Not knowing what next week or next year is going to be like, etc…I have been trying to figure out why I haven’t been able to overcome obesity. Mentally I seem to keep hitting a plateau. The only thing standing in between me and my weight loss success is my own self. I am the obstacle blocking the way. Probably the fear of staying like this forever is holding me back.
I know we all have our battles to conquer for this and that. Most things are out of our hands and that is scary to me. I am still trying to discover the secret to happiness, security and peace of mind.
This journey is one I struggle with every single day. Trying to stay focused on my goal, by eating better, not give-in to comfort foods, and getting my exercise done even when I just want to crawl in bed. Most days I do great but on some days I lose the battle before I even get out of bed. Wondering what is the point of this or anything. Am I really going to be happier if I was thinner? Am I really going to discover who I really am? Will life be easier because I am thinner? So many questions I have no answers for.
Like I said, Is tomorrow going to be caramel-filled, cream-filled, fruit-filled or nut-filled? Unfortunately, I have no idea. All I can do is deal with it as it hits me. I am hopeful I will eventually find my peace of mind and that happy place.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
It is back to square one and time to start over again in this journey we call life. A fresh start and new opportunity to finish what I have started for a year now. Becoming healthier, happier, and thinner all while at the same time discovering who I really am. A task so difficult to accomplish that involves changing your eating habits, developing new habits (exercise), fighting emotional battles (emotional eating, stress, doubts, fears) and learning self-control, not giving in to temptations and feelings. Keeping your word to set out to do something and doing it no matter what you think and feel (laziness, etc…). NO EXCUSES!!!
It is so much easier said than done. Fighting internal thoughts in my head telling me why not to do what I need to do for myself and controlling me. Too many battles to fight and only me to fight them, it is overwhelming.
I am so tired of this emotional roller coaster and of not having control of my emotions, decisions and actions. I need to get it together. I need to fight myself every second to start moving forward for my health and my sanity.
So here I go again this New Year 2009 to finish what I started in 2008. 2008 was a hard year for me, so stressful… and I can only imagine what 2009 will be like but I cannot let that freak me out. I have to do the best I can today and worry about tomorrow… tomorrow!
I pray God gives me the strength to push and pull myself through this journey. To not let me give up on myself, to not let myself doubt my capabilities. To stay committed 100% and see changes not only physically but emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I cannot do this alone. I need his strength to pull me through.
So I will try to do everything I can think off to keep myself motivated, committed and determined to not give up no matter what. If I fall 100 times I’ll get up a 101 time. I need this. I have to do this. It’s my health, my life. It is what I need. Now all I need is the confidence and discipline to see it through (that’s the tricky part).
It’s a long journey ahead of me but I can only take it ONE DAY AT A TIME.
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