Friday, September 30, 2011
This is hilarious! Before you start sending me historical corrections, just go with the flow and read to the end. Also, this is my no means endorsement of the nutritional value or horros of grits. (I'm getting so good at disclaimers, aren't I? lol) As an aside, being from New Orleans and not from the country, I've never had red eye gravy or even seen it, so I'm clueless about that but I don't think I like the sound of it. Still... I love being from the deep south! LOL
What Are Grits?
Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them. Many people think grits are made from ground up bits of white corn. These are lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as a Grits can be made from corn. Research suggests that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits. Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits without these key ingredients.
How Grits are Formed:
Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in Georgia , and are guarded day and night by armed guards and attack dogs. Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast--not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question.
Yankees have attempted to create a synthetic Grits. They call them Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell, the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded Styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea, and can leave you unable to have children.
As mentioned earlier, the first known mention of the Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert . After that, Grits were not heard from for another 1000 years. Grits were used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and were kept from the public. The next mention of Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary discovered in the seat of an old sedan. The woman's name was Herculania Jemimana, who was known as Aunt Jemima to her friends.
The Ten Commandments of Grits:
I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits
II.Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife
III.Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy
IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Grits
V.Thou shalt use only Salt, Butter, and red eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits
VI. Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits
VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits
VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.
IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch.
X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.
How to Cook Grits:
For one serving of Grits: Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter. Add 5 Tbsp of Grits. Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water. When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, they are done. That's all there is to cooking grits.
How to make red eye gravy: Fry salt cured country ham in cast-iron pan. Remove the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes. Great on grits and biscuits.
How to Eat Grits:
Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy. Do NOT use low-fat butter.
The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter. In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits. Use biscuits made from scratch. Never, ever substitute canned or store-bought biscuits for the real thing because they can cause cancer, tooth decay and impotence.
Next, add salt. The correct ratio of Grit to Salt is 10:1 Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt. Now begin eating your grits. Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork. The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee. DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk. Your grits should rarely be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think its Cream of Wheat.
Ways to Eat Leftover Grits:
Leftover grits are extremely rare and may only be a rumor. Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish, Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight. The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass. Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2' of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown. Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way. This is, of course, unacceptable but delicious.
BLESSING BEFORE EATING GRITS
May the Lord bless these grits,
May Yankees never get the recipe,
May I eat grits each day while living,
And may I die while eating grits.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
This story is old. When I first discovered the Internet, some 15, 16 years ago, this was one of the first e-mails I ever got. It is still one of the funniest things I've ever read. All these years later, I still literally laugh out loud every single time I read it. I hope you enjoy it!
Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to "Milk Duds," your sense of humor is seriously broken.
Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have. John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...
Move to Guam.
Change your name.
Fake your own death!
Whatever you do
Do Not Go!!!
The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.
Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.
Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting ..." Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a liftoff"
Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.
"Bananas," he said.
"For the potassium?" I asked.
"No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down."
The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot .. But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a
chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.
A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.
Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.
Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.
We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.
And I egressed the bananas.
And I egressed the pizza from the night before.
And the lunch before that.
I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.
I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that never thought would be egressed.
I went through not one airsick bag, but two.
Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.
I used to know 'cool'. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know 'cool'. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in
a home stand.
A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.
What is it? I asked.
Friday, September 23, 2011
I know I already posted a blog today but I could not resist this one. As most of you know, PepperLeah and her husband have moved here from Florida and are staying with us, which is one of the biggest blessings of our lives. In response to the blog I posted on the 20th, Leah got creative, herself, and started playing with our own food! lol She is SO adorable!!
Friday, September 23, 2011
I share a lot of fun stuff here. Sometimes I share the stuff of life that we're experiencing. More often than not, when I have a message that's spiritual in nature, I post it on my team threads instead of in a blog. On rare occasion, I choose to blog it because I think the message is so very necessary and I don't want those who need it to miss it. Even now I pray that everyone who needs this message will be drawn to it, enriched and empowered by it.
Because some of you, my dear SparkFriends, do not share my belief system, I will post this blog with a caveat: It is based on biblical principles that I believe are in perfect alignment with SparkPeople philosophy. I love, respect, and value you regardless of what you do or do not believe, and I will be in no way offended if you choose to exit this blog right now. I hope you won't, because this is such vitally important stuff for those of us who struggle, trying to win this thing physically, without incorporating the soul and spirit of us, as well. Another warning: It's long!! So you may wanna grab a bottle of water and an apple. lol
Zechariah 4:6 "This is GOD's Message to Zerubbabel: 'You can't force these things. They only come about through my Spirit,' says GOD-of-the-Angel-Armies.
Zechariah 4:10a Does anyone dare despise this day of small beginnings? They'll change their tune when they see Zerubbabel setting the last stone in place!"
The children of Israel had been in exile for 70 years, having been captured and carted off to Babylon. When the exiles began to return to Jerusalem, the city of God, they found it utterly destroyed, a pile of rubble, all of her former strength and power, her splendor and grace gone. Some of us (probably many of us) have experienced the same thing. Overeating, poor dietary choices, sedentary lifestyles, and lazy leisure lives wrought devastation in our lives, crumbling our strong joints and sapping our energy supplies. We'd fallen to formidable enemies such as diabetes, high blood pressure, injured joints, shattered self esteem, depression and far, far worse things as these enemies of health and comfort continued to invade and, ultimately, carry us off, to imprisoned us in isolated cells of despair and hopelessness.
Zerubbabel was a realist. He saw that the task of rebuilding, of restoring the city and the temple were outrageously ambitious, seemingly impossible to the human eye. The enemy very much wanted Zerubbabel to have enough faith to believe in his inabilities and limitations. The enemy devised a clever plan by not only taking the Hebrew people prisoner but by also destroying their homeland so that going back to recapture what was rightfully theirs would seem like such a daunting impossibility that none of them would be able to muster up the courage to attempt it. Some of us, like me, have so very much weight to lose that it seems beyond reach, simply unattainable. Regaining our health and mobility, our energy and vitality are far, far beyond our grasp. The chasm is just too wide and the abyss too deep. It can't be done. Or so it seems. The enemy who robs, kills, and destroys wants it to end there, without us even trying.
The first message of God to Zerubbabel is His message to us: You can't force these things. They only come about through my Spirit. I co-lead two teams, one is Can't Do This On My Own and the other is I Can Do All Things Through Christ (and I thank you, GlitterGirl69 and IUHRYTR for the opportunity to serve these wonderful faith-based teams). The team titles say it all. We absolutely cannot tackle life-long patterns of unhealthy living without supernatural, divine help. I believe part of the success of AA and similar types of programs is the acknowledgement that the problem is bigger than we are and that we need help of some kind. I choose to call upon the name of the Most High God for that help and He has never once failed me. Also, we cannot force ourselves into a size six jeans overnight. Ain't gonna happen. We can't force decades of learned habits to dissolve all at once. There is a process. Restoration takes time. Rebuilding takes resources and laborers, and lots of both.
We must seek the Holy Spirit's guidance. He's promised to lead us and guide us into all truth, to teach us, to convict us, to convince us. Do a word study in your bible of all that the Holy Spirit is commissioned to do in our lives and you will quickly realize that He energizes us to our task. We're told that ONLY the Spirit of God knows the spirit of man, that our own hearts are deceitful. We truly cannot know our own hearts, what drives us, what compels us without the revelation power of the Holy Spirit. Armed with that knowledge, we are able to make the lasting change needed to turn the wreckage of obesity into the useful and glorious vessel God intended for us. Seek that wisdom and you WILL find it by the Holy Spirit's help.
Zerubbabel was criticized. So are we. I know I'm not the only one who has been told by a well meaning relative or friend: Oh, we love you just like you are! You don't have to change! Or, even worse: You've been fat all your life, you aren't ever going to change! Or, the worst: Why try? You can't do this! *groan* Just typing them out hurts. People approached our pal Zeru and told him that he was nuts. They told him it couldn't be done. This city will never be the powerhouse of magnificent beauty it once was. There's no use. You'll never have enough resources to pull this off. AND! If you DO? Someone will just come along and tear it all down again. Sheesh!!! The clincher for Zeru, though, was that he had heard from God. GOD! The very Creator of the universe had told Zeru it COULD be done and that it WOULD be done... by the Spirit of God. Period. You see, the enemies didn't know a secret that Zerubbabel was wise to remember. GOD made that city, just as He made our bodies. He bought us with a terrible and precious price, took us out of bondage and dark hopelessness, into His glorious light of hope and promise. HE holds the deed, NOT the enemy, and HE has the resources needed to accomplish every single task required for total restoration.
Knowing all of that, Zerubbabel was okay with a small start. We should be, too. Pick a spot. Start tossing out the debris of doubt and shame and fear of failure. Get a wheelbarrow and throw in the rubble of shattered hopes, regrets, excuses, rationalizations and justifications and tote them to the shores of the Sea of Forgetfulness and dump 'em in, to be remembered NO MORE. Sweep up the dirt of negativity and approval seeking, the dust of apathy and the blame-game and discard them forever. Then begin to BUILD... one brick at a time. Do what you CAN do instead of wasting precious time and energy whining, complaining, defending what you CAN'T do. Start small but START. Today. Right now. This minute. The Spirit of the Living God will help you if you but ask.
Thank you so much for making it this far. Because you have, I pray that God will bring forth the increase of His message within your life (and I hope you will pray the same for me). I pray that you will not fight against the bricks in your own strength, grow weary, even give up. I pray that you will come to know that the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but spiritual in nature, that the mind of Christ will rise up within you and fill you with hope, quickening your mortal bodies. Above all, I pray that you will prosper and be in health, even as your soul prospers. I love you, dear friends.
P.S. When you are about to birth something in the spirit, you come under attack. A week ago I had a temporary crown put on a molar. After a round of initial pain and then difficulties with the pain pill I took, I thought it was over. (As an aside, can you even imagine why people would pay money, risk going to jail, ruin relationsips and busineses to feel the horrible way that stuff makes a person feel? It's beyond comprehension for me.) A few days ago the jaw pain kicked back in and shot all the way up to my head. I am so blessed with health that I am a total weeniebaby when it comes to pain. I could hardly focus my eyes for the pain and suffered least when in a darkened and quiet room. I will be SO glad when the permanent crown is in and this is over.
I know that the enemy of our souls delights in distracting us from what we should be doing and I allowed myself to miss going to the pool this morning. Not only did I miss it for myself, but my dear, sweet PepperLeah stayed home, as well, opting, instead, to watch over me and care for me, praying over me, serving me in every way imaginable. (We could learn SO much about serving as Jesus served from this precious, special child of God. So help me, she should give loving lessons because she's SO good at it.) Thank you, Leah! I love you and I love your heart!!
Having missed the physical goodness for today, I was determined not to miss the spiritual goodness for today. Headache or none, I began to read my bible, with as little light possible. I'm so glad I was not deterred from doing so. I believe the gems that opened up before me were not only to give me instruction and hope but to were also meant to be shared with you, my precious SparkFamily. Normally I use the NIV when studying, but my daily reading for this year comes from The Message Version, so these verses are MSG.
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