Monday, November 21, 2011
I have found, at least for myself, that when I get happy that continuing the battle with my weight becomes exponentially difficult. Please tell me I am not alone.
It's happened before, I am trucking along, I am doing great, I am basically kicking a$$ and taking names at the weight loss thing. I am honed, focused. I am an animal, and nothing can take me down. The things in my life improve, I start to feel healthy, and happy. It's usually about this time that I notice that as I am feeling better about myself, the rest of my life starts to improve as well. I make new friends. I meet someone special. I begin to improve socially. And that's when it happens...my focus slips, or maybe that's the wrong way to describe it, it doesn't slip, the beam of focus starts to encompass not just my weight loss journey, but also my social life. And I don't think I am alone when I say, having a social life and losing weight is HARD. Inevitably, I wind up gaining weight. Slipping back into old habits because I am enjoying my happiness. I am letting life be really good to me.
I am back there again. Since February of 2011 I have been gradually and steadily becoming more and more happy with my life. I fell in love. I got married. I added half a dozen amazing friends to my existing friends that I hope I will have for life. I am even happy with my waitressing job, which coming from a tech background, I never thought I would enjoy let alone excel at. I am so happy. I feel like it's shining out of my pores. If you look directly at me you might be blinded. This is even with the waiting for immigration paperwork, and still not having a 40 hour a week career, or medical insurance. I remain, happy, hopeful.
Yet...my weight is suffering. I haven't weighed myself since my honeymoon when my diet officially went off the rails. We stayed in a bed and breakfast where a five course dinner was included every night. We ate, slept and well you know for four days, and since that moment I have been just living. I even had a moment where I thought "I can do whatever I want". And I have been. I've started eating late at night, blaming it on working nights. I've justified eating an entire 1.5L of ice cream in one day, when I never used to do that even before I lost the weight. I know I am gaining because my clothes aren't looking right.
I am happy, but the voice in my brain is starting to whisper I don't look good. I've stopped putting makeup on because I don't see the point in trying to pretty myself up. Even my wedding ring is starting to feel a little snug. I feel like I am drowning inside myself again. I know it's not extreme yet, but the way I've been feeling toward food, and with the holidays coming up...I am scared.
When I get scared like this, I also get defiant...instead of it making me turn toward all the good habits I've created, I get like a sullen teenager. It's like I literally have an angel and a devil on my shoulder and the devil wins. I don't exercise...I eat more than I should...and not a little more, a lot more...I've never been a binger, but dear god...I might be creating one.
I don't know how to be happy...and also be focused on my weight loss. I've never successfully done both. I feel like I am going to kill my happiness if I continue down this path, but I also don't know how to get off this path...
I am going back to what I know...I am counting calories again. Measuring, and planning. I hope it's enough to shock me back into my good habits. I hope I have the strength.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Let's see...it's been a while.
I haven't blogged in such a long time. In fact I think the last time I blogged was the last time I truly felt like I was in charge of this weight-loss situation, and then all these things started happening, one after the other, and I sorta maintained for a while, then I lost my job the last day of March, and things went kind of wonky. Let me start there...
On March 31, I was called into my manager's office and put onto a conference call, where a very nice woman named Jenny from HR politely told me that my position had been eliminated. It wasn't a complete shock, but I was the only one in my department, and it was immediate. Honestly, it felt like being fired more than laid off, but they framed it as a lay off. My manager then escorted me back to my desk where I had to pack in record time, and then he walked me to my car, took my security badge and wished me luck in the future.
I had been with the company for almost 15 years. I started when I was 19 years old, it was all I knew. Don't get me wrong, I hated working there, the politics, the ridiculous things that happened. And over the course of the last two years my company had been outsourcing our jobs to the Philippines, so I had been preparing myself for this mentally for a while. But I wasn't being let go with a large group of people...I was walked out the door alone. I didn't even have time to say good-bye to the people around me because they did it at noon which is when most people are out to lunch. And just like that...I was in the unemployment line.
I've been working since I am 13...I've never really been without a job...maybe for a few weeks, maybe a month or two at most, but when that happened I was in college, so this is the first time in my adult life I am not working. I am collecting unemployment, and I feel like such a slacker. April started out very badly. I felt ashamed. I wasn't gainfully employed, and as it turns out, I make more money collecting unemployment right now than I would if I took a starting position with another company. If there were actually other companies to take a starting position with...which there aren't, because I've been looking. So, I applied for Unemployment, and even have gone so far as to apply for TAA benefits which will pay for a certain amount of schooling. But the impact of having 24 free hours in a day...it just played with my mind. You would think having more time would be a blessing, but it wasn't. My schedule went bye-bye. I wasn't sleeping right, and I wasn't getting enough water, and I stared eating what I wanted, and slowly...weight started to creep up.
Then my boyfriend came to visit. And the first day he got here....he proposed. Which, I will be honest, wasn't a huge shock. We'd been discussing marriage for a few months, but still, I was (and am) so happy. And the 10 days he was here were a whirlwind. Every single day was packed with things...he met every single member of my family, we ate out every single day he was here, we wedding planned. It was a whole lot of craziness. And I didn't deny myself a thing. We celebrated my Birthday while he was here and not only did I eat a gigantic pasta dinner, I also ate dessert, and had a few drinks. It was food madness. He went back home to Canada on May 1....the week following that was more family birthdays and me consoling myself that SO was gone back home. Not to mention I had been messing with my pill to move TOM, and that COMPLETELY messed with my emotional well being. recipe for disaster.
So...skip to now. I bought a wedding dress. It's beautiful. It's not something I thought I would ever do...ask anyone, I was never the marrying type. It's all really bizarre. I am still grappling with not having a job. And I am planning a semi-traditional wedding (SO. Many. Details. Ugh.). A lot of stuff. But I need to own up...I've gained weight. I have no right to the 90lbs lost award. I've taken it off my page for the time being. I've also adjusted my tracker. It's time.
I've been back on point with my food since last Monday...just over a week. Already, I see my weight dropping back down to where it belongs. I started with a running group yesterday, and I took a walk today, running again tomorrow, and on Saturday too. I might also join my Aunt for water Zumba (who knew??) one day a week. I feel like things have fallen back into place. I am trying to make a schedule within all this free time for myself. I work better in a schedule.
I am making a go of this....my wedding is in October, and I want to be at goal by then...I am willing to do the work. Let's do this!
Friday, February 18, 2011
I've been slipping into complacency. I am not gaining weight, but in the two months since I have come back from Christmas vacation I've only lost around 5lbs. I think this is because I have become really comfortable with myself. I am fitting into all of the clothes I have from "before" when I lost weight. I know I am starting to look good, and I am getting happy with myself. I am letting myself slip a little more often in the nutrition department. I've felt the back sliding ever since I came back from Christmas vacation, and it's scaring me.
I've stopped tracking daily. First, it was just the weekends I would skip, and that seemed to be working just fine, but on Valentine's Day, I made a recipe that I just didn't feel like adding to the recipe calculator, and I knew I would be eating it for the rest of the week, so I just didn't track at all this week. And without that keeping me in line...well, I stepped out of line. I used stupid excuses (I was sick with a headcold, I deserve this extra piece of chocolate. Or, it's my friend's Birthday I should let myself celebrate with her) to eat what I wanted instead of keeping myself in check. I knew last night after I indulged myself in not only a meal of pasta, but appetizers, drinks, AND dessert that the madness has to stop. I need to get myself back in check. I am less than 20lbs away from my goal. I've come too far.
So, I started by creating some accountability. I told my SO that I feel like I've lost my focus. I talked with him about how I feel like I am loosing control of myself, and that the lessons I thought I had learned just didn't stick in the face of my past behaviors. He was wonderful, and helped me make a plan. And now, here I am back at Spark, hanging my head asking you to help me be accountable.
My 14 day plan....
Go back to tracking every single thing that goes into my mouth. If I eat it, I track it. For the next fourteen days. This also means, get away from processed foods again, back to 5 freggies a day, and enjoying my food so I don't need to bust out by going to a restaurant and eating a ton of food.
Get back to exercising. I am going to start small it's the only way it works for me. Just 15 minutes on the treadmill every day for seven days, then after the first week bump it to 30 minutes a day for the second week. Track it. I want to get back to at least 5 hours a week like I was doing at the peak of my exercise.
That's just two things. The eating will be fine, but the exercise...yeah, I've been failzor with that, so it's going to take some effort. I need to focus again.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
It's been freezing in my area for the last couple of days. Negative numbers, wind blowing, skin instantly in pain as soon as you go outside, freezing. I am sure everyone has heard about the record low numbers on the east coast, and I am sure more than a few of us actually live in the east, so I know I am not alone.
As the weather gets colder I start to crave things that I really shouldn't be eating or drinking all the time. My winter brain wants Cafe Lattes and Hot Chocolate, hot tea with real milk and real sugar. And I don't want them in small quantities, oh no, I want them in gargantuan sizes like perhaps the new Starbucks size of Trenti! I also crave things like grilled cheese with tomato soup, and pot roast with all the trimmings. I want creamy soups and all things that equal warmth and comfort. I want my servings to be huge. I want to take comfort in my food and drink.
It's scary that after nearly a year of clean and healthy living that I still have to fight all these thoughts. I still have to remind myself to make the better choice. I so badly want it to be easy, and am again struck by the realization, that for me at least, it will never be easy.
I am always going to have to fight my natural impulses. I can hope that they will weaken a bit overtime, and it may get easier, but it will never be easy. Doing the healthy thing has become habit, but I am always going to be tempted, and fighting the temptation. This is my life. This is who I am...forever. And it takes my breath away. And sometimes...I just want to quit.
Then I catch site of myself in the mirror. And I remember....oh right. I am happy with myself. I am worth fighting the fight.
Friday, January 21, 2011
I have officially recovered from my Christmas weight loss. It took a little over a week to get rid of the extra weight, and this week I actually managed to move my ticker down a pound. It feels like such a long time since I got to do that.
I feel like I am drifting through Spark since I got back from vacation. I don't read as many blogs, or comment on as many pages. I just feel like I am floating. I think it's because I have a lot of exciting things that are about to start here in my "real life". I found a part-time weekend job, and other exciting things I am not ready to share yet. But life is moving, and I have to move with it.
So, I guess if it seems like I am not around much, that's probably why. I am a bit ghosty, and floaty right now, but I still check in and I still weigh, and track and measure. And hopefully, I will get back to being around more soon.
Get An Email Alert Each Time WYND10 Posts