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Friday, December 05, 2014

My "Kitchen Safe" arrived at my door yesterday when I came back from buying a small refrigerator from a girl in Hollywood for $40.00. I had already bought two padlocks at the 99 Cents Store as well as four canvas tool holders. The tool holders were a contrivance which had the feature of a half circle of metal attached to a square of canvas 3" x 4". The canvas folded over so that it was easy to thread rope through it to form a belt around the refrigerator. I locked the padlocks and put the keys into the Kitchen Safe and set it for two hours.

I decided to try the Kitchen Lock due to the extreme difficulty I have had in losing the weight I have lost. I realize I am a much harder case than normal and I want to give myself every chance to succeed. I will enjoy gloating when I remove the temptation from my hungry toddler and sit in Weight Watchers whom I believe will be gnashing their teeth as I win my struggle. For ten years they have been accusing me of cheating and failing to think positively as I have painstakingly knitted together a 75 pound weight loss at great difficulty. Recently my hunger has been out of control and I realized I would gain all of my weight back if I did not do something.

While the Kitchen Safe lock was locked I thought I might go to the grocery store. As long as I got back from the store after the lock released I would be able to fix dinner but, as it happened, I did not accomplish this. I got involved in PalTalk instead.

When the lock released I opened the refrigerator and fixed a meal. I made a pizza and a batch of meringue. I moved the eggs from the big refrigerator to the small one so that I would be able to fix meringue for myself if I got hungry while the lock was engaged.

The idea is that if I cannot get to the food my hungry toddler will give up, like a dog does. So far it is working. I immediately noticed a cessation of the torment I live with of wanting to eat and knowing I should not. When the temptation is removed, my theory is that I will frree myself of the torment.

This morning I woke up just minutes before the lock released at 4:00 a.m. I opened the large refrigerator freezer and ate the meringue and reset the lock for 6:00 a.m. this morning. Now I am deciding whether I should go to the gym or not. If I do, the lock will be released when I get back and I can make breakfast.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

1HAPPYSPIRIT 12/5/2014 8:16AM

    By all means, go to the gym! Decision made! emoticon

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APROMISE4ME 12/5/2014 7:52AM

    I have never heard of a kitchen safe before , how very interesting. Take care of yourself , and best of everything with your weight loss !


emoticon emoticon

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JAROL7 12/5/2014 7:50AM

    Pretty drastic action. Work your plan. I have to document EVERY BITE I eat in the SP tracker if I want to lose weight ... AND ... I lower my intake to 1200 calories per day. It works. I am at goal weight.
SO ... work your plan.

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Sunday, November 09, 2014

Last night my turtle Mandy woke me up with a terrible nightmare. I dreamed that my dog, Freddie, had chewed half of Mandy's body away. I was horrified and I went to Mandy's home in the closet and got took her to bed with me. She was so happy. I had been neglecting her since I got my new Dandee Dinmont Terrier and she was feeling like the dog was eating her alive because he was getting all my love. Mandy has sent me dreams before when she was feeling neglected but this one was the worst.

11/11/14 Update. I am giving Mandy a lot more attention now and she is back to her old ornery self.

11/26/14 Update. Mandy has a weakness for lean ground beef. When I first got her 25 years ago she killed a moth and ate it. She has been a meat eater ever since. I need to give her some vitamin A because she never eats her fruits and vegetables.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ELRIDDICK 11/9/2014 10:02AM

  Thanks for sharing

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Thursday, November 06, 2014

Last week I had trouble keeping my calories down. I was STARVING. The reason is that I was getting emotionally involved in my girl friend's eviction. I research her landlord and discovered a huge fraud. I was eager to expose the fraud and figured out how to use his court complaint against her as a way to discover the mysterious parties behind the state wide fraud. I could not control my eating. I continued to fight. I drove down to the County Recorder's office and I found more evidence of fraud. I was thrilled with myself. I called my girl friend and told her the good news. She didn't agree with me that the evidence was important and she was too tired to talk to me.

I saw what was happening to me. My inner child was acting the hero, looking for love and adulation. My girl friend has a history of batting down my inner child, whenever she appears. My inner child appears when I get excited about accomplishing something. I nurture my inner child by working on home repairs. I buy the tools and materials and the inner child goes to work and has a splendid time. But so far, I am the only person in the world who really likes this part of myself.

Everywhere I have gone, every one I have met, hates my enthusiasm when I get to work on a project. That's why I do so much work on home repair by myself.

And, when my inner child is batted down she eats food to comfort herself. Someday I will be able to be abused without eating over it but that is advanced dieting. I am not there yet. So what I did about my friend's eviction is that I withdrew completely from the problem. I will not rescue her. She does want to be rescued. She has 15 excellent reasons for wanting to get evicted and these reasons are the 15 illegally owned cats she keeps in her tiny one room apartment. Finally she will be free.

I need to free myself from rescuing crazy people and this is a case where I was able to see the truth before I got sucked into the black hole of my own design. Without telling her that I had spent 20 hours on the investigation I simply stopped being enthusiastic and she drifted away from me. I stopped eating and I started losing weight again. emoticon




Thursday, April 17, 2014

No more will I accept the humiliations of being the backup girl to a Don Juan. I am not a victim of family abuse because I have freed myself of my family. I am no longer fat because I have lost 75 pounds in the last ten years. I go to the gym every day and am building up my paper thin muscles. As my muscles wake up, so do I. I have told him I resent the role he puts me in and he tries to convince me I am crazy. Hahaha. He's crazy if he thinks he can intimidate me by calling me crazy.

Watch out for this sick game. You get used as a buffer between your "friend" and the one he truly loves. Without you his tottering romance would crumble but as long as you allow him to use you as emotional toilet paper he stays in good odor with his true love. Withdraw yourself and watch her reject him cruelly as he loses his starch without you to buttress him up.

This is a game I was forced to play in my family. I was the buffer between my sick brother and sister. As long as I let them, they bonded with each other by humiliating me. When I realized what was going on I withdrew and they were forced to face each other and they recoiled from each other immediately. That was the end of their relationship. Now I find myself in the same position with new people. Fortunately I understand the game and can get out before I turn into a butter ball.


11/6/14 update. Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming up. I promised myself last year that he would never get another chance to make a date with me and then break it when his real love realizes she has a rival and agrees t let him come over to her house. Not this time. He has done this to me three years in a row. Not this year. Last year I decided to go to a ski resort so that he could not expect me to go out with me. I have to figure this out. Maybe I can just say "No." Sorry, but I will not do this to myself again. Should I go away? Is it enough just to say "no?" What excuse would I have?

Should I tell him the truth? That he has disappointed me three years in a row and I do not want to be disappointed again? That sounds pretty good, doesn't it?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BARB4HEALTH 4/17/2014 4:35PM

    I enabled something from Google and it quit those adds that track me and then try to sell me something on each page I load. A bunch of adds are gone now.

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Tuesday, September 10, 2013

I am convinced that eating crow puts on pounds. Here is an animated cartoon of what I turned into (in my own mind) when I saw myself accepting abuse from a new group. I am working hard now to keep my promise to myself not to get involved with these people and I use this video to remind myself of where I could end up if I keep eating crow.
I am naturally attracted to the high emotion, high frustration, low satisfaction excitement I had in my childhood. When invited to this kind of situation I get so eager that I hyperventilate, get stomach aches and the strength drains from my legs. I have come to view these symptoms as predictors of disappointment and so I try to avoid the situations that elicit these reactions.

Crow is like delicious pastry. The fat doesn't show up until after you have enjoyed the treat. The treat is feeling virtuous: kind, generous, forgiving, intelligent, a problem solver. I have had to restrain myself from furthering the cause of this exciting group with favors of information that could really help them: (1) an obscure bus I found that could bring the visitors in and out of the isolated area, (2) a source of cheap blankets and porta-potties that would really help (3) a bidding system that would help bring in the best price for the real estate (4) my great expertise at negotiating with neighbors for good relations with the group. I could do all of this and more. I am gifted like my mother was. And, like my mother, I am well on the road to giving my gifts away for fun and for free which will be responded to with total rejection.

Mom was fat: short, stocky, strong, thin hair, less than chisled features (like the song says, "less than Greek.") But she was bright, and she was a problem solver and she solved everyone's problems which cost only a little bit of money which she contributed. That is what I am turning into.

No no no. I will not allow that to be my mother's legacy. She is worth more than that. I will not contribute to this group now that they have slapped me in the face. This is not the first time they have treated me this way, either. This is the normal way that people treat people who let them get away with it. You have to stand up for yourself.

I am firmly convinced that eating crow is one of the main factors that has made me fat. No crow for me, thank you very much. A hot fudge sunday with nuts would be less fattening.

UPDATE: The blackguards have been dealt with.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SWEET-SUE 2/4/2014 2:01PM

    Yes! Eating crow is for the birds!! Pass the humble pie, please. haha

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STR458 9/12/2013 6:59AM

    sounds humiliating and what does one do in response that is not eating... oh well lesson learned... but humiliation has to be one of the hardest emotions to counter-balance. I hope you could feel back in control of your time and money now that a few days passed, that's when I have to be careful to not tilt the balancing act of rewarding myself (overdoing it)

emoticon Have a great Thursday!

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