Thursday, April 17, 2014
Yesterday I mentioned in my blog about my two year Sparkversary that I'm less self-conscious than before. It's somewhat true, but sometimes I almost feel like I'd feel better ignoring my body image altogether than giving it so much thought.
When my weight hit 205 pounds I rarely thought about it. I didn't get on the scale very often anyway, and I didn't realize what I was doing to myself. I didn't even avoid pictures like people tend to do when they're obese. I just... didn't really see myself as I really was in them. I never realized how I was jeopardizing my health and my well-being for junk food and laziness.
Yesterday after my yoga and playing a bit of Wii tennis, I tracked my minutes, then took a look at the amount of minutes I'd tracked since Sunday. They didn't even come up to 200, when my weekly goal is 400 for April (so I can make it to 1500 in a month). I haven't hit the 1000 minutes mark yet, and it's April 17th.
I must admit I panicked a little, realized maybe I wouldn't reach my goal, and then started crazily thinking about all the possible ways I could add more minutes to my week.
The problem is this:
Today I'm spending the evening with a friend, I'm going there right after work and eating with her (bringing a packed lunch! No restaurant!). I'll be back home around 9 or 9:30. I won't have time to work out.
Friday I'm working - I've got too much job to take Friday and Monday off (and I think everyone is working in my office Friday anyway). Maybe I won't do 7 hours, but still. Then at night we're having supper at my sister's place with all my family (her boyfriend, my brother, my boyfriend, and both my parents). MAYBE I can hit the gym between work and that, but it'll depend. I have a vet apointment for my cat at 3 PM.
Saturday afternoon my parents are coming to my apartment to visit and I'll probably spend the rest of the day with them. I haven't seen them since the Holidays (aka three months and a half ago).
Sunday we're going for brunch, and the gym is closed for Easter.
Monday I'm working.
One of my colleagues is leaving on May 2nd, and I'm taking two of her customers (she was only working part-time so she hasn't got a LOT to transfer, but I was still loaded with work and that's something else I gotta learn fast). Work has been intense nonstop since January (thanks to tax seasons, and a lot of clients having their year's end at the beginning of the year). I got a cold this season and it's getting worse (I woke up with a really sore throat and full nose this morning; right now I'm really cold and shivering even though I'm fully dressed). So, what can I do?
Of course health and fitness should be a priority. But I shouldn't have to push everything aside just because I won't meet my 400 weekly minutes for THIS week. I reached it last week, I even went further. So why am I stressing so much about this?
It didn't take me too long yesterday to calm down, and I went to bed to read a little before sleep.
This morning I read an article here about negative self-talk. It's the kind of thing I thought only others did. I always think things like "I love my body, I'm not doing that to myself!" but then I remembered something that happened yesterday night.
I got home around 4:30, and asked my boyfriend if he could cook supper while I did my yoga on the Wii Fit (got up too late to do it in the morning). Before doing yoga though I always do the little test on the balance board where it weighs you and then you do two minigames to measure your balance. Since I'd reached my Wii Fit goal (I always set very low goals because I don't like using it to track, so I usually reach them very quickly XD) the Board character on screen asked me to choose a new weightloss goal, and suggested I try to get to a healthy BMI.
It then told me that my healthy BMI weight would be 138 pounds (or 137? I can't remember).
I jokingly asked my boyfriend if he wanted me to lose 25 more pounds to be healthy.
He said "if you get to 138 pounds, you'll be too skinny."
Then began a weird argument. All he could say is that maybe my cheeks would be too hollow and that it would look weird. All I could say is that I still have plenty of fat to lose and it probably represents 25 pounds.
"No way your fat is 25 pounds, honey. Is your goal to just be thinner and thinner or to be healthy?!"
Since it was getting heated I stopped it there, and did my yoga. As usual I felt uncomfortable in the candle position because all my belly fat was sticking out and made me feel like I was 200 pounds again.
Then we ate supper, and didn't talk about it anymore. But I kept thinking.
I don't know how to measure my healthy weight. My goal right now is 160 pounds because that is what I was able to reach in 2012, the lowest I've ever been. But after that? I know I don't want to stay there - I know there's some toning up I need to do. But when will it stop?
I don't think I'm ugly or fat. I like my body. But I don't LOVE it. Sometimes when I see myself in the mirror I'll still think things like I've got fat to lose - in my belly, my thighs, my arms. I'll still think my bum is too big, or my face could be thinner.
But my boyfriend telling me I'd be unhealthy and ugly at 138 pounds really got to me. How can he know? Does he really know what's good for me, or is he just scared of what I could do to get there?
I've never been really intense with my weight loss. I always keep health in mind. But should I stop at some point just because others tell me it's enough? Or should I push myself to something even better? How do I know if I CAN do it? How do I know that the goal I will choose once I hit 160 pounds is realistic?
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Last year I missed it by two days, this year by one. XD I always kinda remember it's mid-April but why can't I remember April 15th?!
Anyway, yesterday was my two year Sparkversary and I figured I should mention it, celebrate it, and think about how my life is better now.
In 2012 I joined a gym and it went pretty well for the first month. Then I hit a plateau and I didn't like the fact that I felt so alone in all of this. I had a friend who attended the same gym (I actually joined it because I knew somebody who was already going, otherwise I'm not sure I'd ever have made that big step) but we didn't have the same goals or motivation.
I'd known Sparkpeople for a while from an old friend of mine (user MissVoluptuous) but I never joined because I didn't see the point in it. But as I struggled with the plateau and started to become less and less motivated, I checked it out, and thought "hey, let's give it a try". This has been one of the best moves in my life so far.
At first I was shy, and didn't do a lot here. I really loved the food tracker (the fact that it was easy to use and FREE) and I remember really loving seeing the fitness minutes pile up.
Two years ago I had the same "basic" goals - lose weight, be healthier - but I think now I have better reasons to achieve those goals. Two years ago, it was too easy for me to become overly motivated, do too much in a couple of weeks, and then pass out from exhaustion. Over the course of those two years I learned to take my time, to stop giving so much credit to the measurable results (scale number mostly) and to notice every single little difference in my life.
Of course, I now weigh less, all my clothes are medium-sized - this size is sometimes too large even - and I generally think I look better. But other things have changed, too.
I'm way more self-confident. I don't mind running outside anymore, or working out at the gym. I don't think of sweat as being gross, but as a trophy. My sweat and my red face are proof that I'm really working out and putting efforts into this.
I'm less strict with my food. I don't track it because it just makes me obsessed with calories. That I can't help. So I learned to trust myself. Of course I'd probably do better if I tracked and checked closely my calories in vs calories out. But I don't want to, and I've come to accept that.
I'm not so self-conscious anymore. When I bought my first bikini in the Summer of 2012, I felt so shy wearing it. Now I don't even think about it anymore. It's my only bathing suit (excluding that horrible onepiece I'm keeping for no reason) and so I have no choice to wear it, and I feel good in it.
In two years I've learned so much. So much about myself, so much about food, exercising, fitness, and health. I've learned a lot about others too. And I have to give credit to this website for helping me so much.
But the thing I will always be grateful for is the people I met here.
A lot of them are gone now, and I haven't heard from them for a long time. Some profiles were deactivated and deleted, others are just waiting there for their owners to come back someday. Some people I've known since the beginning, others only recently, but every single person I've met here has played a role in my journey.
I didn't know that a kind word on my blog, or a goodie on my page, would give me so much motivation to work towards my goals - and inspire others.
Until recently I firmly believed I wasn't an inspiration to anybody. I'm not perfect, and I feel like I'm either very negative in my blogs, or bragging all the time. But some people have started telling me I inspire them, and even though at first I just shrugged it off, now I feel like it may be true.
It's been two very full (and fulfilling) years. To many, many more to come.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
We're all busy. I don't think I haven't heard anyone I know say that at some point. It's one thing we seem to love saying when we're swamped with work, chores, or tasks. It seems our to-do list never comes to an end. There's always something to do.
I have a naturally very critical mind. And like most people who do, I'm very, intensely critical with myself, way more than I am with anyone else. So when I surprised myself complaining about being busy, a lot, every day, I decided to analyse why I always felt so busy and rushed. I don't have kids, I live in a 3-rooms apartment that's not a hell to take care of, I live somewhat close to my job (a drive there or back is around 15 or 20 minutes depending on traffic) and I very rarely oversleep (I'm good with 7-8 hours a night). So what was it?
Well, as I've talked about before, procrastination never helped me, but even though I did a good job of almost never procrastinating (everyone's got flaws!), I still felt busy.
Like I mentioned in my blog yesterday, I'm cleaning up my whole life a little, day after day. Sunday I deleted my Facebook account after warning everyone there Saturday morning, and taking a back-up copy of my page (yes, you can do that, apparently) so I wouldn't lose the pictures. It was Sunday evening that I did it so I didn't really feel any change that day, but yesterday was the real deal.
At work I used to visit Facebook about once every hour just for two minutes, just to see what was new on my newsfeed. I've never been one to have lots of FB friends (always between 50-60) and I hid a lot of stuff from my newsfeed because it was annoying me. Yet I found that in the last weeks, Facebook had become some kind of bad addiction to me. I was always checking it, just for a minute, in the morning and before going to bed, and maybe 10 times throughout the day. And that didn't help me feeling any less busy; I had to put aside the task I was doing at work, open internet, read a couple of useless informations, status or memes, then close it and come back to my task. What a total waste of energy.
Last weekend I realized how much time and energy I was losing on Facebook and that is why I just left. I've received a lot of comments - "let's see how long it will last" and "I don't understand why you just don't delete it but visit it less". Well people are entitled to have opinions but I don't have to explain my every decision to anyone, and I'm letting them gossip while I enjoy my free time.
Yesterday at job I got a little panicky because I got there somewhat late (9 AM, when I usually get there around 8 or 8:30) and that meant I couldn't leave before 4 PM (which is a totally normal hour, right? Haha I'm so used to leaving before that). But my boyfriend was on his day off and we had to do grocery shopping. For some reason my brain always thinks of grocery shopping as a task that is going to take up my whole evening. So I felt like I was going to be rushed all afternoon and evening-long.
Well I got home at 4:30 after chatting with a colleague, and then we went to the grocery store. At 5:15 we were back; while supper was cooking I read a little; then we ate, washed the dishes, and we were able to play a game of Scrabbles (for a little over an hour), read more, visit some forums on SP, put away my clean laundry, prepare my lunch for today and then read again in bed before going to sleep. All that because I avoided my computer and only used it for 10 minutes for SP, instead of spending 1+ hour on it wasting my time.
I never thought I was the kind of person that spent a lot of time on their computer, all because I was never really doing precise tasks on here, just browsing around. But getting rid of my "routine" (Facebook, daily webcomics to read) really freed my mind. Now all I do is read my emails three times a day (and unsuscribing from all those newsletters I didn't even bother opening really helped) and check SP twice a day (in the morning (right now!) and in the evening).
Again I know this has nothing to do with fitness but I felt like sharing because I feel so much better now that I "have time". Time that I had before, obviously, but didn't use well. I'm not saying I'll never procrastinate, never waste some time online and never feel busy again. But I'll try to not make a habit of it anymore, which is the huge difference.
Monday, April 14, 2014
I mentioned recently doing my yearly Spring cleanup, aka decluttering my home.
It's something I do every year and I always feel some kind of relief after. I'm not a big hoarder, but sometimes I cling to objects that I have never used in years, and that aren't of any use to me anymore.
Recently at Costco (consumerism paradise) I bought a book called Zero Waste. It's about a French woman called Bea Johnson who now lives in the US with her husband and two children, and they produce 1 kg of waste per year, using the principle of the 5 R's: refuse, reduce, reuse, recycle and rot (in that order, very important).
At first I was skeptical (I guess like anyone who'd read that book) but last Saturday I was home and felt like reading so I finished it. I'd been reading it on and off for a couple of weeks but for some reason last Saturday I couldn't keep myself from finishing it.
When I was done with it I felt really motivated.
Not only by the zero waste movement - which really called to me - but also by the decluttering she speaks of throughout the book.
This woman lived the typical American dream. Huge house, two cars, an ATV and a dog, two kids, lots of friends and activities, lots of money. But no time. They were spending a whole day every week to clean their huge house and take care of their lawn; they spent hours and hours shopping for more "home" stuff just to fill out the empty corners.
Then they moved into a house half the size of what they had and they decluttered.
Like I said I always do it yearly around Springtime, but reading the book motivated me to go even further. To stop saying "what if" when I find something that I haven't used in a while, or that I know I won't use anymore. To stop giving so much importance to objects, belongings and... stuff.
And so I decluttered again.
I got rid of all the extra blankets just sitting around in my living; two of them I gave away, one I put on my bed to replace my old one, that I didn't like anymore. I got rid of all the throw pillows that were so annoying and were taking so much space. I got rid of most of my decoration objects that I had to dust every weekend and that my cat kept throwing on the floor when they were in his reach. I cleaned up my wardrobe (did we really need the third set of head pillows?) and the living. Everything I wanted to give away, I brought to Value Village.
The rest I'm going to sell: Wii games, books, DVDs, CDs and computer games. Either online, or to friends or family, or with a yard sale. I'm also selling my guitar, which I've had for three years but never learned to play. It stands there in its case, in a corner of the living room, stressing me out because I HAVE to learn. But you know what? I have no time nor motivation to learn guitar.
Okay, I know this has nothing to do with exercising or fitness, but it's got something to do with health. Ever since I moved all this stuff out of my apartment, I already feel better. I feel like it breathes better. It's hard to explain. I used to cling so much to this stuff... saying things like I'd never get rid of a book in my entire life. But most books I don't read anymore, don't plan on reading again, and they're just there on my shelf collecting dust and wasting space. I'll get a library card instead, and only keep the few books I keep reading over and over (maybe 5?). Same thing for DVDs, I don't watch them anymore. I don't even understand the goal of owning movies. I can rent them. I watch maybe one movie a month. So why own so many??? All the money I spent on these is making me cringe, but at least now I realize that it's enough.
My boyfriend had a hard time understanding all of that, but after a lot of explaining I think he got it. The question he kept asking though was "but since you bought it and it's here, why get rid of it now?" It was hard to answer this but the only way I could was that if I kept my DVDs, I would want to buy more to add to the collection. And why keep something that collects dust and that stressed me out by its mere presence. Useless.
When decluttering is mostly done, I'll focus on my zero waste project. I think the biggest benefits for me will be the financial savings (YESSS PLEASE) and the better foods. I mean when you try to produce the least possible waste in your kitchen, you don't buy packaged items anymore - which means only fresh food in bulk. How awesome is that? I'm already very close to that goal actually, the only thing I'll have trouble getting rid of is buying canned food - but then again outside of beans, I rarely buy it because I prefer the taste of freshness.
I feel good today. I went shopping yesterday after decluttering and I only bought two tops at Value Village (and now I've got enough clothes for the Spring-Summer) and a t-shirt for an upcoming concert in May. I couldn't find any sports bra in my size at the mall (one store only had A and B cups, wow) but I'll keep searching. I resisted an ice cream snack at the mall, but finished in a Tim Horton with a donut. XD ah well, what can I say. I don't regret it at all. It was delicious. (And I very rarely crave donuts, so that's not happening again for 6 months, I guess.)
I went to the gym this morning, everything went fine. I can't wait to get on the scale Thursday :)
Saturday, April 12, 2014
Thursday I updated my blog in the morning before heading to work. Then I went straight to my customer's office, where I spent all morning, like all Thursdays.
While I was there my colleague texted me and asked me to call back another one of my customers because apparently it was urgent. So I did (with my cellphone, since I don't have a phone there, but it's my personal phone that I hate using for work since I pay for it) and it wasn't urgent at all, it could have waited in the afternoon, easily. Then he texted me to tell me there's been some mistake with this customer again, about the insurances, that it was my fault, and that we had to meet the client next Thursday AM.
1- he explained the problem and it wasn't my fault since I did exactly what he told me to do while on the phone when I fixed it the first time;
2- he scheduled me on a Thursday morning, without asking me first, when I'm not available (like I said I spend all Thursday mornings at a customer's office, and it's been like that for a month);
3- I absolutely hate being told that I've made a "huge mistake" VIA TEXT MESSAGE.
I was infuriated, and as he kept texting me (ordering me to calm down when I started giving him a piece of my mind) I told him to just shut up and let me talk to our boss when I'd be back.
I spent the next couple of hours absolutely furious, and not able to calm down. At lunch time I went back to the office, my boss was there but having lunch, so I had mine in front of my computer as usual, and kept on working. From noon to 3 PM I was nervous, my shoulders were tight, my neck was stiff, and I tried everything to calm down, but I couldn't.
Office stress. I don't get it often, but when I do, it's a real killer.
At 3 I went in my boss' office and I talked to him about the problem. I also burst into tears - when I'm stressed or angry, I always cry, and I hate that - but finally I was able to explain why it infuriates me that my colleague has to inform me of a mistake I supposedly did, via text message, and that this customer is not his customer anymore, it's mine. I'm 100% in charge of this client - hell it's the first client they gave me when I first started working there!!! And even though my colleague helped me at first since I was new, now I'm not new anymore, obviously, and I'm completely capable of taking care of everything without having him breathing on my neck.
I asked my boss the permission to tell all the employees and the boss there to call ME and email ME when there's something and to stop talking to him about everything since *I* am now the one in charge. My colleague doesn't know how to talk to people, he always makes every bump seem like a mountain, and I generally don't approve of his working methods.
Of course my boss agreed, and I'll be doing that next Tuesday when I see them.
While I was crying my a* off in his office my boss also told me he'd wanted to meet me because I was doing incredibly great and he wanted to give me a raise. But I already had one in January - which means he reaaaaaaaally appreciates me!!!! :D that made me pretty happy. He also told me he's given me clients he never dared give to anyone. I've only been working there for 6 months and I'm already over the top. I'm proud :)
After work I went to the gym but got nauseous after running so I went back home to shower. I had a friend over for the evening, and after eating we went for a walk and I ran errands at the drugstore. So even though I only ran 30 minutes at the gym, I still got a 40 minutes walk in, which is good.
Yesterday my shoulders and neck felt really stiff all day long, even though I didn't really feel stressed out anymore. I had a lot of work, but I was able to do most of everything before lunch time, and then I spent the whole afternoon at a client's place for the month's end - and I didn't leave until 5:50!!! I worked 10 hours straight! I was exhausted hahaha so when I left I went straight home, waited for my boyfriend (who was also working overtime) and we ate out since it was so late. I had some money left on a gift card for a burger restaurant so we went there. We had onion rings for an entree but then with my burger I had a salad instead, and I remembered to order vinaigrette on the side ;) it was delicious. I also had a beer which was maybe a little too much because I left feeling very, very full. But I really enjoyed it, hadn't been to the restaurant in a while, and won't be returning in a while. Yay!
Then we went quickly shopping since I realized I only have a couple of short-sleeved tops left. AAAHHH! Yesterday morning I took a look at my wardrobe and realized that. There's only two tops in my "Summer" box, and it's only things I wear over my bikini. Can't wear that to work! And outside of them I only have a couple plain t-shirts and a couple tops I could wear to the office. I got a little panicky, but was able to calm down and not go on a shopping spree XD so I went to a store I really like that's near our apartment and I ended up buying pants for my boyfriend, a pair of sunglasses, and three tops, all for 40 bucks. Good.
I'm also going to Value Village today. It's Saturday, my boyfriend is working, both my siblings are out of town and all my friends are busy; I've got a solo day ahead of me. I want to clean the apartment (it's my turn), maybe go to the gym, and do a little shopping. I've still got those three bags of clothing to bring to Value Village, so I'll shop there a little when I do. It's pretty cloudy outside, somewhat cold, and it's supposed to rain, so I doubt I'll want to take a walk. And I have absolutely no plan for tonight. But tomorrow I'm shopping again XD with my boyfriend since there's places he needed to go. This time I'll be shopping for underwear, running gear, and sports bras. Hope I can find something not too pricey for that...
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