Sunday, April 14, 2013
I'm back again. I never really left, but I did appear to go for long enough to forget my password. That can't be a great sign...
Just getting reacquainted with my Sparkpage. Updating my goals, revisiting my history of weight loss. And something suddenly occurred to me - the last time I reached one of my 10lb goals was around 2 years ago!
Since then I've had some time with Weight Watchers... I've also just left Slimming World after around 9 months of membership. I lost a bit, I gained a bit... but actually, I ended up in the same boat that I was in when I began using 'diet clubs'... In 2 years, the overall results has been... ZERO.
Unless you count the £5 per week that I've spent. Plus the weekly support from other members. Plus, to be fair... at some times during my membership(s), my state of mind was such that without the weekly monitoring I might have gone off the deep end... and put on everything I've lost so far.
Okay, so I've spent £520 on weekly diet club dues... and the result after 2 years has been maintenance. Not a horrible result, but not a great one either.
In all honesty, the only time I have managed to successfully lose a significant amount of weight (everything I've lost so far in fact), has been using SparkPeople, on my own.
Sometimes I get too busy to fill in my food diary. Those days are tough. Sometimes I forget that there is a ton of support here... all you have to do is get online and you'll find inspirational blogs, recipe ideas, community discussions and videos.
I don't have to wait for my 'weekly weigh-in' to get support. And I can dip in and out of any number of groups and discussions here.
All I need to do is make the decision... that THIS is the club I want to belong to.
For me, Sparks has been the only 'group' or 'club' that has worked so far. I'm still 54lbs lighter than when I started.
And it doesn't cost a penny!
I think that I might put £5 in a jar, every week that I experience a weight loss. And when I get to goal, I will take that jar and cash it in for a nice holiday in the sun.
Okay... that does it! I've decided that I am back... I might not be perfect, because life isn't perfect... but I'm going to do my best to track my meals (I'll probably do that around 85-90% of the time). And I will weigh in every Saturday morning. Just like I would at one of the diet clubs.
And I'll get my support here at Spark People... because I know from experience that the support here is unlimited.
All you have to do is log on and everything you need to succeed is here.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
I am an optimistic person by nature. You may not believe me because right now I'm feeling blue. But I swear I am very positive about life. Even the really tough stuff.
The problem is that life seems to really pile it on sometimes. I sometimes wonder how I cope with the number of life-issues I have to juggle at once.
There are people out there who manage to successfully shift their worries onto someone else. Or they have elaborate networks of supportive family and friends. On the occasions that I've tried to lean on others, they have generally let me down. So over the years I have learned to take care of my own business, which has made me a very strong person, but also doesn't give me any rest.
Sometimes, there is only one, or possibly two things to deal with in life. That's not so bad. But at other times there are so many things that I have no idea what to deal with first. I feel heavy with burden, like I weigh 10 thousand pounds. And what do exceptionally heavy people do? They eat.
I have great periods, months at a time, where I am able to separate the rest of my life from my eating habits. During those periods I tend to eat well, get plenty of exercise, and lose a substantial amount of weight.
There are other times however, when I feel as though food is the only friend I have. I know all about relaxing in a hot bath, or talking a short walk, or pampering myself with a manicure etc. I know that there are other ways to nurture myself, rather than eat. But those things don't work. They aren't my friend. Food is my friend.
Sometimes I want to murder my friend, food.
So, the question I ask myself is... how can I commit the perfect crime and get away with it? How can I murder the one friend who has gotten me through 10 thousand pounds of burden, time and time again?
Surely, without my friend, I will be crushed by the undue weight of my life-issues.
A hot bath is not going to fix some of things I need to deal with. Neither will a long walk. What fixes things is 'being resilient', 'fighting back', 'persevering'. All of which are exhausting. Something about food replenishes me so that I'm not exhausted anymore. It's the friend who lifts the burden and gives me the strength and resilience to carry on further.
What to do, when there is no-one to fall back on, and the only thing that seems to provide respite is food? How does one do away with the crutch of food?
How should I endeavour to murder my toxic friend, food, and get away with it?
Monday, June 25, 2012
I am determined to say YES IT IS!
At least, so far so good....
A bit peckish this morning, probably because my stomach is all stretched from eating too much in previous days. So I'm having a little lunch at 11am. I didn't want to eat too much because 11am is a very early lunch. I will probably be hungry again by 1pm...
And pretty much everything in my fridge is leftover BBQ food. Last night I froze any left over BBQ'd burgers, sausages and chicken etc. I was tempted to throw it away to avoid temptation, but actually I'm not sure if that might be a little over the top or panicked.
So instead I froze everything and thought to myself that I could always chop a single burger patty into a veggie based pasta sauce, or do other inspired things with the other leftovers.
There's also a combination of fatty supermarket salads and healthy home made salads in the fridge. So I'm combining them on my plate so that I'm getting a little taste of everything.
For lunch I rummaged up a small portion of shop made couscous (Moroccan), with a big dollop of the home made coleslaw I created with an oil/vinegar dressing.
Everybody who came to the BBQ brought burger buns and rolls! I have so much bread in my house it's crazy. And bread is one of my trigger foods because I often add fattening toppings like butter, cheese and sauces. I already had a bread roll for breakfast today so I've frozen all the long-dated bread, and the less fresh bread has been thrown into the garden for the birds.
Later tonight I think I might try mixing some of the left over (tomato-based) pasta salad in with a chopped up burger patty. Coupled with some of the left over lettuce, cucumber and tomatoes that I'd cut up for the BBQ. Actually, that sounds great. I hope it tastes as good as it sounds.
I have just finished my little 11am lunch, and funnily enough, I still feel hungry. I know it's just because I am accustomed to eating much too much... so instead of going back for seconds just yet, I might go do something physical to take my mind off it. After a few days my body will get used to eating more healthily... it always does!
Now... if I could just think of something healthy to do with all that left over icecream!
Monday, June 25, 2012
So I've had my BBQ yesterday... it was really lovely. About 22 of the expected 45 showed up (a combination of the European Football Quarter Finals and the uncertain weather kept other away). In a way I'm glad my garden was only half full... I really don't think I could have coped with more people!
Interestingly, I didn't eat or drink as much as I thought I would. As hostess I spent most of my time running around making sure everyone was happy, or making sure everyone mingled nicely.
I think everyone had a great time, and I certainly did. So that's the important thing.
Today marks my return to a determined healthy routine. As soon as I opened my eyes this morning the determination was already in mind. My first course of action was to pop into the bathroom to weigh myself. So that I can properly adjust my calorie count and weight loss tracker.
But what I encounted was that my scales were not working! Not sure if they are broken or possibly in need of batteries. But it does mean I have no idea what I weigh. Not to worry, I will pop into the doctor's surgery today and quickly weigh myself on their scales (which are located just near the waiting room). Not going to let a little thing like drained batteries stop me from getting it right this time.
So... now I'm off to plan my food diary for the day. I'm really looking forward to my new healthy eating. Now that I'm 46 (which happened on Friday)... I' determined to make this work for me. Sick and tired of feeling stiff and sore when I wake up in the mornings... because I've been lugging my overweight body around all day. Going to make sure I'm active every day, and that I put my health above everything.
Will keep you posted on what happens next!
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
On 22nd June 2007 (my 41st birthday) I was walking my dog when some young people spotted me and began making offensive and hurtful remarks about my weight. It made me so mad that I began a diet the very next day. Within 6 months I had lost 63 pounds!
But then my anger finally subsided and I stabilised for another 6 months.
Then my mother came to visit and the same old childhood insecurities and family 'head-issues' began to resurface - the ones that made me fat in the first place! I struggled as I felt my head switching back to how it has always been. Over the next 2 years I put on around 21 of the pounds I had lost.
Knowing I had to do something before I put all the weight back on I joined Weight Watchers with a friend who was having similar issues with her weight. We were going strong together for about a month, but then my friend began to falter. She began making excuses, and missing meetings, and criticising the meeting leader. I was able to see that everything she did was just her way of cushioning herself because she was expecting a fall very soon. And she did fall... she fell right out of the WW group and went back to her old ways.
It didn't stop me though. I kept right on going. And by early 2011 I had once again lost all the weight I had originally lost. Whew!
But then I moved house away from my usual Weight Watchers meeting. I discovered that I didn't really enjoy my new meetings like I'd enjoyed the old one. The leaders seemed to be talking to themselves... nobody was listening to them... and it was very difficult to feel inspired. So I quit.
It's been around 1 year since my last Weight Watchers meeting. I'm not entirely sure how much weight I've put on since then. I'm guessing it's around 12-14 pounds. Maybe slightly more. I will find out soon...
Friday is the 5 year anniversary of my birthday. I think of it this way because I'm recalling the horrible things those little so-and-so's said to me in the street. Those good for nothing young people who will probably all end up having vices of their own by the time they are my age.
Some may turn out to be fat too. Others might rely on drink and drugs. Then there are the ones who will beat their partners or end up in jail.
It drives me crazy how people so easily judge and criticse someone with a weight problem. Those same people more likely than not have issues of their own, but we can't immediately see their issues so it's easy to pretend they don't exist.
A lot of overweight people feel inferior just because we have a visible flaw, rather than an invisible one. But the fact is that everyone has something, in particular the people who try to 'big themselves up' by putting others down.
As I said, Friday 22nd is my birthday. I'll be 46 and I'll despite all my efforts over the years I will still be fat. But I'm not as fat as I once was, and I'm hanging on to that fact.
I have a BBQ at my house on Sunday. To celebrate 'the 25th anniversary of my 21st birthday, and 10 years of living in Britain'. The following day is Monday and I'll be here at Sparkpeople, starting again. Five years since I started the first time.
I can't decide whether I will rejoin Weight Watchers, or diet on my own as I did quite successfully the first time. But on Monday morning I will register my current weight, organise my food plan and get back on the blog and message circuit.
Life is a journey. Every now and then it seems that I like to get off the train and lounge around for a while. But I always get back on. And I reckon that means that one day I will get to my destination.
It might end up a long journey. With a few bumps and scrapes along the way.
But I'll get there.
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