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Finding Peace

Friday, November 23, 2012

I wish I could truly convey the feeling of peace that has come over me in the past few days. Both hubby and I are still very sad with the passing of our baby girl but with it has come such wonderful feelings that we know in our hearts is her. She is such an old soul, much older than either hubby or I, and the body of an infant must have felt so confining for her.

We still cry, and very much wish we had physically been able to bring her home from the hospital with us, but she has certainly let us know that she is still here with us and isn't going anywhere any time soon. She has many lessons to teach us and has been providing us with immense healing.

More than anything I wish our families were able to feel what hubby and I feel. We have tried sharing with them how we are feeling and I hope at least some of what we shared was able to stay with them. They are suffering in their own way and I actually find myself wanting to ease their pain.

Her viewing was last night at the funeral home and when I first went in and saw here there wrapped in a blanket and beautifully lying in a bassinet I sat down and cried. By the time it was time to go home I sat with her again and felt so peaceful looking at her. She has such an amazing, powerful presence.

One of the hugest impacts she has had on my life is filling me with an overwhelming need to take care of myself. I have let myself fall into a state of being a typical mom and taking care of everyone else first. I started taking care of everyone else first when my son was born almost three years ago and just tossed my own care aside. She has reminded me that I am very important and I need to tend to my own needs as well.

She has also given me such a new appreciation for life and making me realize how important it is to get out and fully live life. Take part in life and experience as much as possible. I have been making excuses for quite some time as to why I haven't been bothering with doing things. I have been neglecting dreams and instead choosing to continue watching them and dreaming rather than to actually start living them and seeing them happen. I now realize how important it is to live those dreams.

The lives we have our precious gifts that should not be wasted. This is something I have known for many years and it's sad that it took the death of my daughter to make me fully embrace how true this really is.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CATHGREEN8 11/25/2012 1:31PM

    This is a beautiful celebration of life. for God loves the little ones, and it is no small thing when they, who are so fresh from God, love us.

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BUSYBEE37 11/23/2012 3:22PM

    Sorry for your loss. Yes, you should embrace what your daughter has given you.

I can't find the right words, but I know what you're feeling, when that calm, peaceful feeling is there, it's a gift.


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Unnecessary Added Stress

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Considering everything that has happened over the past week I would say that hubby and I are managing to get through as good as anybody can be expected to. There are some tough times but we are still on our feet and still moving forward.

Now if only my mother-in-law could see this as a good thing and not a bad one.

Because we are not expressing our grief the way she believes she would if it were her in our shoes we are not doing it properly. She is overbearing and smothering to such a point that I am about to snap! I love the woman, and I know she means well, but we do need our space from her and I don't really know how to express that to her at this moment.

Not only does she call a few times a day and stop in at least one, sometimes twice, she is wanting to take our son somewhere daily. He has fun when he is with her and since he is so young (almost three) he doesn't understand what is going on so he is benefiting from all her attention, but I really just want him home sometimes, with us. It's so not-normal for him to be away from us so often and it's actually making it harder for me to deal with other things because I am missing that part of my normal life.

Today, for instance, I had wanted today to just be a nice, normal day. The viewing for our daughter is tonight and I wanted to just feel good about the day as much as possible. As I am writing this my mother-in-law has my son and I am feeling like there is a piece missing.

Now sometimes her presence is good. She encouraged me to get out for a 40 minute walk yesterday and that felt really good. I enjoyed walking along the dykes (I live very close to the Acadian deportation site of Grande Pré), breathing fresh air and having some company as I walked. So I can't say that the woman is a complete burden at this time, but she can get overwhelming very fast. Hubby is finding her a bit much to deal with as well, we just aren't sure how to actually get through to the woman and have her actually hear us. A friend has already tried talking with her and letting her know that how we are dealing with things is completely normal and that we do need space but apparently the words weren't actually heard.

She is just adding stress where stress doesn't need to be at the moment.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JILLITA55 11/22/2012 12:25PM

    Bummer! Maybe you should set up a schedule when she can come over. Maybe 3- days a week. You have to tell her that you are building YOUR new family. Don't be rude just explain to her that you have things to do for your family. I hope she isn't alone. That makes it difficult. Let her babysit when you and your hubby want a night out alone. Have a great Turkey day!

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Life Does Go On, Even When It Feels Like It Shouldn't

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Over the past few days I can't even begin to describe the various emotions I have been going through. Things have certainly not been what I would have expected them to be at this point. My life is definitely different, I am changed, and I don't even realize yet how changed. I will probably still be noticing changes 20 years down the road.

Ok...I will backpedal a couple of days to last Wednesday, because in some way that is really when things changed for us.

I was getting bad cramps in my stomach Wednesday night. Kinda felt like contractions. Hubby was even timing them for me. Then, all of a sudden, they eased up and the rest of the night continued normally, which meant going to bed because it was so late at night. All part of the joys of being 37 weeks pregnant.

All day Thursday I was uncomfortable from cramping but I didn't worry too much. I had an ultra sound Friday morning and I would mention it all to my doctor then.

Getting hooked up to a heart monitor Friday morning in the hospital was when everything changed. There was no heartbeat. The nurse tried to remain optimistic for us and said the baby was probably just in a bad position but both hubby and I started going numb because we knew. There had always been a heartbeat; it was always strong and easy to find.

When the doctor came in for the ultra sound there was no life on the screen and instantly everything had changed for me. I had gone from buying baby things and putting a crib up to nothing, at least that is what it had felt like at first.

Saturday I had to go back to the hospital to deliver the baby. I had been really mad at first because a huge part of me just wanted them to take me in on Friday, get the baby out and let me run away to hide in a hole. Now that it has been done I am thankful that I had that one last night to spend with her still being a part of me. It was a very emotional night for both hubby and me.

It was a long day on Saturday, 14 hours of labour, a lot of pain, but I made it. She was born at 12:59 am Sunday morning. Hubby and I had a few minutes to hold her and cry together. At first when I was told I would have that opportunity I didn't think I wanted it but I am really glad now that I took it. I needed that time to be with her, hold her in my arms, and tell her, as much as I didn't want to, that it was ok for her to go. It was so hard but I assured her that mommy and daddy would be ok and she was free to go do whatever it was she needed to do.

Ever since then things have just kind of been happening. We had to make arrangements with a funeral home, which was something that had never occurred to me at all. But she was carried full term and therefore she is a human being. We have been doing our best to keep moving forward and on many levels I think we have been doing so much better than either of us would have ever thought possible.

The hardest part we are facing now is sharing this news with friends. Some of them don't seem to know how to talk with us once we have told them. They respond as if we are made of glass and will break at any second. It's difficult to convince some people that we are still us, still the same us they have known, just sad at the moment. We may randomly break down but they don't have to freak out about it; just give us a hug or a comforting pat and we will come around. Just because we are grieving we can not stop life, we just have to learn to take those breaks when we need them and not push the emotions that need to be felt aside.

There were no answers as to what had happened and we have had to accept that. We do know that one day we do want to try again for another child, but not right now. We do have a beautiful son who is almost three and without him I don't know how we would be dealing. Another thing that is a reality for me is being diabetic. My health is a constant reality and just because I am crying doesn't mean that I can toss everything aside. It won't wait for me to feel better. Hubby and I have actually been talking about getting some issues with our health under control and finding some therapy in that.

Neither hubby or I are trying to run away from anything. We have actually been embracing all of our ever changing emotions, even the ones we don't understand. We have been very open and communicative with each other through this whole process and have been there supporting each other through every up and down. What we have been dealing with is not something I would wish upon anyone under any circumstance but I have learned that there are lessons to be learned from every situation and ignoring those lessons would be dishonouring the memory of my beautiful little girl.

Just because we didn't physically bring her home with us she is still here with us. She is felt everywhere. Her soul is old and she is wise. She has learned many things and has many lessons to teach us yet and honestly, had she been born and come home with us as planned we would not have had ears to hear what she truly had to say to us.

I love her and I wish I could hold her in my arms, but that was merely not meant to be. I will hold on to her forever in my heart and never forget a moment of the time I had with her.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CATHGREEN8 11/23/2012 2:13PM

    I am so sorry for your loss and humbled by your strength and grace. Your daughter is so lucky to have a Mom who will honor her life, even though is was so sadly short. You and your family are in my prayers.

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JENNIFER_67 11/21/2012 5:20PM

    I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through. But, like LEBO401, I also sense your strength, and you seem to be dealing with things as well as can be expected.

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LEB0401 11/21/2012 2:08PM

    I'm so sorry for your loss.

Through all of this, I see your strength shining through. I wish you peace during this difficult time.

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Day 08 - A picture of your favorite colour

Thursday, October 25, 2012



Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Nothing is more treasured in my life than my son!


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