Monday, September 30, 2013
I just returned from the attorney's office where I signed my divorce petition. I am overwhelmed with sadness. I did not seek this divorce. But at this point I need this divorce for my own well being and protection.
These last two weekends my husband has been here over the weekend and he and I and our two adult sons (24 and 26)have tackled the storage room in the basement -- all the artifacts of our 28 years of family life together. Sorting boxes of books for the library sale, donations for the local family service agency, all the family pictures, camping equipment, etc., etc.
I decided I cannot have another weekend like this for while. I need next weekend off and I'm in class the weekend after that. My older son leaves for the army at the end of this month and that will be an adjustment indeed -- as he had boomeranged back home for the last year.
I am grieving the loss of my marriage. But when I am honest, I feel like I am grieving what I now realize I never had. My husband would comply with any task I asked him to do -- and he is all about "duty and obligation" as he sees it. But this isn't love or partnership, or intimacy. This process was not really overt -- it was insidious and complicated. I loved him. I think I might still love him. He has been psychologically abusive, though, and he has always had to have the attention focused on him. Easily frustrated. Easily bored. In charge, and yet dependent. "His majesty, the baby." Not truthful or forthcoming. Always had to be his way and now I see he often lied and was deceitful. It took many years to realize that he never felt he was wrong or apologized for anything.
I was always trying to figure out what was wrong with him and fix it. I was misguided. I always felt like I had three children. Two of them grew up.
My food is better than when I joined SP but not where I want it. I'm up in calories and not planning well. I'm tracking, though, and I feel good about that. I started to walk the dogs this last week. I have no energy to do this tonight.
I have such a long way to go to take care of myself more consistently and better. Its also true that I have made much progress here.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
It's time. I just spoke with a health coach associated with health incentive plan through work. I talked about my involvement with SparkPeople since April and my weight loss since then. I identified my need to start moving. Starting today, my new goal is to walk a mile 5 days a week. Starting today. My dogs will love it and I will. too. For reasons I don't really fully understand, I just haven't wanted to do this. I haven't wanted to keep these dates with myself. Maybe I haven't regarded myself enough (I'm sure that's the case). And, then, too, I have believed that I don't have time.
I DO HAVE TIME.
THE TIME TO START IS NOW.
ONE MILE FIVE DAYS A WEEK.
KEEPING THIS DATE WITH MYSELF.
CHECKING IN WITH THIS COACH NEXT MONDAY AGAIN.
I am also changing my goal around water from 8 glasses a day to 12 glasses a day.
Friday, September 20, 2013
That's *almost* a stick of butter.
Ever forward. I don't have alot of punch, but it is my priority to track and stay in calorie range.
Saturday, September 07, 2013
I lost 4/10 of a pound in the last week and I am going to call that alright. I have not lost a great deal since starting. *But* I am consistently losing, and I haven't missed a day in tracking, and I am blogging and interacting.
I looked back over time, when I have variably checked in with SP since October 2009. I weighed 270 then. I got down to 252 and then stopped. Over the next two years I gained 36 lbs, climbing up to 288 -- my highest. That was in April 2012. So, finally, when I started *this* time, almost 5 months ago, I weighed 280. Today, I weigh 262.4.
I have learned to count more than numbers. This is for the long haul. I am getting divorced and I am on an emotional roller coaster. I have a new job. I am a student in a degree program. And I have very little contact with my family or origin. I feel alone in my real life. But I am so very happy that I am tracking and losing slowly. Previously, I would be "out there" not taking care of myself.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
I just have to say thank you to everyone who responded to my last blog and also for everyone who shares their story on these pages. I received such great feedback on my last blog and I did begin to take note to measure and weigh -- rather than guess. And to drink more water. And also to step up to more exercise -- although I still have a lot more to do here. I was also encouraged to stay on the path - which I did WITH THIS SUPPORT.
The scale is moving. I am losing again.
This is not an easy time in my life, but I taking care of myself and losing this weight. Thanks, everyone.
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