Friday, August 09, 2013
I am just moving slowly....nd I feel so sad and like I am in a bad dream. Walking in ways I don't want to walk but then,, I think I have to do this. There is so much out of my control, I just need to accept this, I know. I need to leave it with God and take the next step. Tracking is a priority; I cannot stop that. I am so sad. I need to rest. I need to exercise more -- I'm feeling this from the inside (when I started SP, I had such resistance to this).
There was a beautiful piece sung at our Wedding.
By George Herbert, to music by Vaughn Williams.
(from Five Mystical Songs)
Come, my Way, my Truth, my Life:
Such a way as gives us breath;
Such a truth as ends all strife,
Such a life as killeth death.
Come, my Light, my Feast, my Strength:
Such a light as shows a feast,
Such a feast as mends in length,
Such a strength as makes his guest.
Come, my Joy, my Love, my Heart:
Such a joy as none can move,
Such a love as none can part,
Such a heart as joys in love.
Becoming so heavy was a product of not really know how to love myself. I need to do that now.
Sunday, August 04, 2013
Until just very recently, in the morning, I would run past the mirror in the bathroom, looking at myself only to the extent I had to do so --and then with disdain. But, lately, I've come to see myself as beautiful. Right. Now. Today. I stop in front of the mirror and pause. I am grateful for my body and, most amazingly, notice its beauty. I have weight to lose -- about 100 pounds -- but here, now, today, I am accepting my whole self and I never thought this was really possible. So, I notice my larger stomach, and its really okay right now. In fact, I find that I love myself. All of this leads to taking better care of myself. For example, I didn't used to bother with putting on body lotion. Now I do - and I am taking time to experience this as sensuous.
Today I ran across a www.ABeautifulBodyProject.com
This is a media project by Jade Beall, where she "praises the unphotoshopped body"; women who are pregnant, post-partum, breastfeeding, all ages, sizes, and with cancer and illness. In her words: A Beautiful Body project is movement of women coming together to tell their stories and celebrate their ever-changing bodies so that future generations of women can live free from self-suffering.
I hope you take a look; her photos are wonderful and she also includes stories, support and perspective. We are all beautiful -- here, now and today. I am grateful for all my SP friends and all I learn on these webpages for guiding me in beginning to love myself again to want to be healthy. To eat healthy food, in target range, because I love my body.
These webpages reflect this acceptance and love and joy.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Notwithstanding everything else going on, I realize I am becoming healthier about food. Listening to my body and giving it what it needs. Tracking will always be important for me, I think, for lots of reasons. But I am really learning to take care of my body and to choose better things to eat. I think about how I feel after eating something and choose wisely. I don't want to eat too much, because then I do not feel very good. And the, back to the beginning -- I want to feel better. Its the tracking, reading, exercising, and support. Wow!
Saturday, July 27, 2013
I am very grateful for this infrastructure provided by Chris Downie and for every single person here on SP, who takes courage to log on to these pages. I tracked my food over the years for periods of time, but I didn't jump in with both feet -- into the community -- until last April. I started the coaching sessions, then, too.
Tracking food, exercise, reading, blogging, interacting -- and, then, all this again the next day - in honesty, is making the difference.
I went over my calories yesterday -- not much, but, over. I was still careful. It was a feast day potluck at my church. Today, I am here. With all these issues in my life. And all of the very wonderful feedback and support from all of you. I am tracking. I will walk or swim today. I am getting a pedicure. I am guarding my heart and soul and I want to act in love. I am planning healthy food.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
I am having a difficult time. My calories have increased -- upper end of range or just over, and I am having trouble in pushing myself to exercise. I am fighting fear, really. I have nothing profound to say about this...but I am having a difficult time accepting all that happening in my marriage. Every day I see some different facet -- like - "oh, this is how it has been" that makes clear how I am where I am at now. No, my husband has not loved me (is this true, I ask myself?). Seems that way. This is what he says now and I feel like I am looking at a zombie -- as he is so very very detached. He has been a man searching for geographical cures for the entire time I have known him. This has, in fact, been the basis of many disagreements. I would have trouble with a scheme and he would be resentful and push for it. I felt like he never would honor my different opinion -- but only comply bitterly at the point I felt safety or security was an issue and take issue as a parent would. I hated that.
He is now in pain again, and is reinventing himself. I am the geography from which he is escaping, along with the house and his status as a married person.
What else? In my bones, I knew there was trouble. I've been keeping his ship afloat for a long time. I don't want to do it anymore. He doesn't want it. I cannot believe he says he doesn't love me -- but at the same time, this is what I have thought, in some way, was the case. It's all just accelerated.
I so know I need to take care of myself. My body. Tracking food, exercising. I am writing this to push it out.
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