Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Notwithstanding everything else going on, I realize I am becoming healthier about food. Listening to my body and giving it what it needs. Tracking will always be important for me, I think, for lots of reasons. But I am really learning to take care of my body and to choose better things to eat. I think about how I feel after eating something and choose wisely. I don't want to eat too much, because then I do not feel very good. And the, back to the beginning -- I want to feel better. Its the tracking, reading, exercising, and support. Wow!
Saturday, July 27, 2013
I am very grateful for this infrastructure provided by Chris Downie and for every single person here on SP, who takes courage to log on to these pages. I tracked my food over the years for periods of time, but I didn't jump in with both feet -- into the community -- until last April. I started the coaching sessions, then, too.
Tracking food, exercise, reading, blogging, interacting -- and, then, all this again the next day - in honesty, is making the difference.
I went over my calories yesterday -- not much, but, over. I was still careful. It was a feast day potluck at my church. Today, I am here. With all these issues in my life. And all of the very wonderful feedback and support from all of you. I am tracking. I will walk or swim today. I am getting a pedicure. I am guarding my heart and soul and I want to act in love. I am planning healthy food.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
I am having a difficult time. My calories have increased -- upper end of range or just over, and I am having trouble in pushing myself to exercise. I am fighting fear, really. I have nothing profound to say about this...but I am having a difficult time accepting all that happening in my marriage. Every day I see some different facet -- like - "oh, this is how it has been" that makes clear how I am where I am at now. No, my husband has not loved me (is this true, I ask myself?). Seems that way. This is what he says now and I feel like I am looking at a zombie -- as he is so very very detached. He has been a man searching for geographical cures for the entire time I have known him. This has, in fact, been the basis of many disagreements. I would have trouble with a scheme and he would be resentful and push for it. I felt like he never would honor my different opinion -- but only comply bitterly at the point I felt safety or security was an issue and take issue as a parent would. I hated that.
He is now in pain again, and is reinventing himself. I am the geography from which he is escaping, along with the house and his status as a married person.
What else? In my bones, I knew there was trouble. I've been keeping his ship afloat for a long time. I don't want to do it anymore. He doesn't want it. I cannot believe he says he doesn't love me -- but at the same time, this is what I have thought, in some way, was the case. It's all just accelerated.
I so know I need to take care of myself. My body. Tracking food, exercising. I am writing this to push it out.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Canticle 11 The Third Song of Isaiah Isaiah 60:1-3, 11a, 14c, 18-19
Arise, shine, for your light has come, *
and the glory of the Lord has dawned upon you.
For behold, darkness covers the land; *
deep gloom enshrouds the peoples.
But over you the Lord will rise, *
and his glory will appear upon you.
Nations will stream to your light, *
and kings to the brightness of your dawning.
Your gates will always be open; *
by day or night they will never be shut.
They will call you, The City of the Lord, *
The Zion of the Holy One of Israel.
Violence will no more be heard in your land, *
ruin or destruction within your borders.
You will call your walls, Salvation, *
and all your portals, Praise.
The sun will no more be your light by day; *
by night you will not need the brightness of the moon.
The Lord will be your everlasting light, *
and your God will be your glory.
Glory to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit
as it was in the beginning, is now, and will be for ever. Amen.
Friday, July 12, 2013
It is good to be anonymous here.
I am almost 61 and I married my husband when we were 33 and we had two wonderful sons -- now 25 and 23. They are wonderful.
I have always loved him and I do, now, in fact. But we have had difficulties for some years. We have been recovering.....individually. I guess it doesn't always translate into marital recovery. Both parties need to have a common goal of healing in the marriage. My husband does not.
I feel like I am a surreal movie and I realize I need so much to keep taking care of myself here-- tracking food and exercise, coaching, moving, drinking water, being involved in this community.
I won't grovel or beg. I won't do that. And I acknowledge the small bit of relief I feel. I have no time or space for resentment and I am praying to keep that at bay. I am afraid ---------I didn't bank on this and I don't want it. I need to love and take care of myself. I hurt.
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